I don't often post about stuff that I haven't personally witnessed, in fact this may well be the first time I have, but I think it's worth pausing for a moment to appreciate the real "ick" factor of these two people.
Doug Hutchison and Courtney Stodden....
I mean what the ever living hell...?! I just cannot fathom these two, or even work out how to adequately voice the horror I feel whenever I see anything with their names crosses my computer screen.
If you haven't experienced the delight that is this train wreck couple, he's a fifty odd year old actor best known for his role in The Green Mile and she is (apparently) seventeen and an aspiring... well, just aspiring! Her parents had to grant their blessing for the wedding due to her age, but she looks a hell of a lot older, and not in a good way!
Around Halloween they got thrown off a pumpkin patch for their "overly sexual" PDAs... Then just the other week they were photographed going for a walk and she was wearing, of course, a tiny red bikini, hooker heels and a fur coat, that's it.
And now their latest, which is what has tipped me over the edge to true "omfg'edness" is their Christmas pictures. She in a tiny red shorts style bikini and him dressed as Santa. Basically it looks like Santa getting a frickin' lapdance while Mrs Claus is out the way for the day. It's truly truly terrifying in it's grossness. Check it out, words cannot adequately describe it...!!!
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
Observational Fail
I do try and give most people the benefit of the doubt, I really do, but sometimes I just get to the point where I can't.
A little while ago my husband, a friend and I had dropped into the pub for a quick drink, nothing major but just a nice relaxing half hour or hour. All three of us smoke, to differing degrees, but we decided to all go outside and have a cigarette so we left our drinks on the table plus put my handbag where I could see it from outside the front door.
I tend to smoke a little faster, especially now the weather is getting colder, so I was the first one back inside and at the table, where there was my glass of wine, and the boy's two pint glasses. As I sat there alone a guy walked over and said "Excuse me, is anyone else sitting here?"
Okay, he was polite, BIG saving grace in my book, and the only reason he didn't get the comment "No, I'm just really thirsty and didn't know what I fancied...!". Instead I very simply told him that my husband and friend were sitting there so sorry there wasn't space for him, and then I turned back to my phone.
I looked up again about thirty seconds later and he's still stood there staring confusedly at the two pint glasses and seats. Oh. My. God! The overwhelming temptation to tell him to stop staring because it's rude and it's not their fault they're imaginary people and thereby invisible to everyone but me....
Mate I was trying, really trying to not assume you're a moron, but seriously WORK WITH ME PEOPLE!!
Bless.
A little while ago my husband, a friend and I had dropped into the pub for a quick drink, nothing major but just a nice relaxing half hour or hour. All three of us smoke, to differing degrees, but we decided to all go outside and have a cigarette so we left our drinks on the table plus put my handbag where I could see it from outside the front door.
I tend to smoke a little faster, especially now the weather is getting colder, so I was the first one back inside and at the table, where there was my glass of wine, and the boy's two pint glasses. As I sat there alone a guy walked over and said "Excuse me, is anyone else sitting here?"
Okay, he was polite, BIG saving grace in my book, and the only reason he didn't get the comment "No, I'm just really thirsty and didn't know what I fancied...!". Instead I very simply told him that my husband and friend were sitting there so sorry there wasn't space for him, and then I turned back to my phone.
I looked up again about thirty seconds later and he's still stood there staring confusedly at the two pint glasses and seats. Oh. My. God! The overwhelming temptation to tell him to stop staring because it's rude and it's not their fault they're imaginary people and thereby invisible to everyone but me....
Mate I was trying, really trying to not assume you're a moron, but seriously WORK WITH ME PEOPLE!!
Bless.
The Obligatory Christmas Message
Apparently, according to several of my readers, I am obligated to get all festive and write a Christmas blog. Hmmmm, well I have to admit I’m not entirely convinced about the whole “forced festivity” bit but who am I to disappoint? So here you go, my Christmas message.
I don’t really “get” Christmas, or rather the entire hype over it. As far as I can see it’s basically an excuse for us to buy gifts for each other that we most often can’t afford and eat far more junk food than we ever should... Yes I can understand it for children completely, it’s great fun. So for my Christmas message I think I’ll focus on the kiddy aspects!
I loved Christmas as a kid, it was just the coolest time ever, might have had something to do with my mum and dad spoiling us rotten! But of course, they did it for themselves rather than us kids! I’m sure it was just my parent’s favourite time of the year when they had to stay up half the night waiting for me to finally go to sleep so they could creep round the house pretending to be a fat dude with a sack of presents..!
Santa however, scared me. I remember once when I was about five or so my grandfather offered to play Santa at my school. I knew Santa was alright, I knew it was my grandfather dressed up as Santa, but could they get me within five feet of him without me screaming the place down? Could they hell! Second we left, no problem, but no one was getting me to go and sit on Santa’s knee. I seriously don’t know what my issue was though!
My parents did make a couple of concessions away from the norm. In our house Santa didn’t want milk and cookies, he damn well wanted two glasses of sherry and some mince pies and that’s exactly what he got every year! And he reached a point where he was going to deliver my presents into my parent’s room because I was making him late by refusing point blank to go to sleep! I still actually have no idea what they used to use on the carrots to make them look like they’d been “reindeer nibbled” and nine times out of ten they forgot to empty the bowl of water I wanted to leave out for Rudolph. What the hell I thought the other reindeers would be drinking I have no idea; I think callous youth overrode my concern! No way were either of my parents going to go around making reindeer tracks around the fireplace, after all they would have to clear it up again afterwards and that would put me off I think!
Tell you what though, I’m learning a new appreciation for my parents. How galling is it to invest a huge amount of time and effort, not to mention the money, on all these mountains of presents only to have the credit taken by a mythological reverse burglar who breaks in every year?!
I do wish you all a very merry Christmas. Personally I will spend the morning being rudely awoken by a hyperactive short person tearing through the flat with the speed and bounciness to make Hurricane Katrina look like a summer breeze. Then I will be going around to my mother’s to make us Christmas dinner and, to put it mildly, get thoroughly sloshed! I know that many people seem to find it completely unfathomable that my husband and I may not be having Christmas lunch together, but I think we’ll just about cope with being separated for a whole couple of hours...
So enjoy the over indulgence, enjoy the family and friends and enjoy the whole thing. But the closest I’ll be getting to a Christmas spirit is the vodka in my freezer... Bah humbug, Christmas can remain the kid’s domain that I think it should be!
Friday, 25 November 2011
My Top Five Favourite Blogs/Websites
My favourite stop offs in internetland for funnies, giggles and good reads!
5. Random Acts of Reality
The blog that inspired the writing of Blood, Sweat and Tea and More Blood, Sweat and Tea, by Brian Kellett, better known as Tom Reynolds.
This is a running commentary of things he saw and experienced whilst working for the London Ambulance Service. It’s often funny, always truthful and at times heart wrenchingly sad but truly fascinating. Also very worthwhile reading both his books, I couldn’t put them down! Sadly since leaving the LAS he has closed this blog but continues to write and amuse me with his insights at his new site.
I also recommend as very worthwhile checking this one out.
4. Failblog
Photo based website, with everything from dumb construction, to Failbook, to the worst tattoos ever seen by man. This is definitely worth checking out and regularly updated with new pics on all of the connected blogs. Plus you can also submit your own which gives it another side to amuse you! You’ll suddenly notice how critical you can become of your friend’s stupid Facebook statuses and the like...!
3. The Darwin Awards
The tagline to this website is “The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honouring those who accidentally remove themselves from it...”
Stories of some truly stupid ways in which people have managed to kill themselves, plus a great archive of “urban legends” in a similar vein. The Bricklayer, although an urban legend, is quite possibly one of the funniest things I have ever read and I couldn’t finish reading it out loud at first because I was crying with laughter!
2. Sleep Talkin’ Man
Man talks in sleep, says really bizarre things, wife spends half her nights unable to sleep giggling at what he’s saying. Solution, buys voice activated recorder and posts the transcript and recording onto a blog to share with the world.
Sometimes rude, often irreverent and always seriously funny!
1. Hyperbole and a Half
Largely stories from the author’s childhood, absolutely hilarious and punctuated with the best bad drawings I’ve ever seen. Always has me in stitches and she’s working on a book at the moment which I cannot wait to read!
One suggestion, start with either “The Party” or “God of Cake”, both of which can reduce me to hiccupping, giggling tears of laughter every single time I read either of them!
Thursday, 17 November 2011
True Friendship
If you're lucky there are people in your life to which time is irrelevant. You can be apart for months or years at a time and yet when you see each other it's like no time has passed at all, you just pick up where you left off without so much as missing a beat.
I am one of the lucky ones that I am blessed to have such friends in my life, something for which I will be eternally grateful.
When I got married last year I had three bridesmaids to stand with me and my maid of honour. All who mean a huge amount to me. One of which I hadn't seen or spoken to in years, and yet she still stood tall on the most important day of my life like she had never been anywhere else. She is, and always will be, a true friend. We've not seen each other since and I still know when I see her next no time will have passed in our friendship.
And then in September this year I was honoured to stand by a friend and promise to always be there for her daughter, as her godmother. It'd been almost four years since I saw her and her husband and son last as they now live in the US, and my first reaction upon seeing her was to drop everything I was carrying to run across the room and hug her tightly. That day we laughed, cried and talked together and it will always remain in my memory as a testament to our friendship that time nor distance can change us.
Then there was tonight. I've been out tonight with a friend who lives in South Africa, who I've not seen in the best part of two years, and who's first reaction to me wasn't awkward or strange but simply a hug and the acknowledgement of affection regardless of time or space. We've spent the evening catching up on the good, the bad, and the ugly and I left to go home with the sense of gratitude that he is here for one more week and I will see him at least once more before he flies off again.
If you're as lucky as me to have these sorts of people in your life, hold them tight. They're worth so much and they should know it.
I am one of the lucky ones that I am blessed to have such friends in my life, something for which I will be eternally grateful.
When I got married last year I had three bridesmaids to stand with me and my maid of honour. All who mean a huge amount to me. One of which I hadn't seen or spoken to in years, and yet she still stood tall on the most important day of my life like she had never been anywhere else. She is, and always will be, a true friend. We've not seen each other since and I still know when I see her next no time will have passed in our friendship.
And then in September this year I was honoured to stand by a friend and promise to always be there for her daughter, as her godmother. It'd been almost four years since I saw her and her husband and son last as they now live in the US, and my first reaction upon seeing her was to drop everything I was carrying to run across the room and hug her tightly. That day we laughed, cried and talked together and it will always remain in my memory as a testament to our friendship that time nor distance can change us.
Then there was tonight. I've been out tonight with a friend who lives in South Africa, who I've not seen in the best part of two years, and who's first reaction to me wasn't awkward or strange but simply a hug and the acknowledgement of affection regardless of time or space. We've spent the evening catching up on the good, the bad, and the ugly and I left to go home with the sense of gratitude that he is here for one more week and I will see him at least once more before he flies off again.
If you're as lucky as me to have these sorts of people in your life, hold them tight. They're worth so much and they should know it.
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
Growing Old, But Not Convinced About The Graceful Bit...
Since entering the painful era of my life, also known as my thirties, I seem to notice more things that just make me feel old.
The tune that comes on the radio that elicits the comment that "the original was so much better" is a great example. And to be fair nothing makes you feel old quite like the horrified look on a kid's face that their latest favourite track is a cover of one I listened to as a kid, I mean I'm just like soooo old duuuude!
Okay, the fact that saying "duuuuude" still makes me think of Ninja Turtles and Bill and Ted is NOT doing wonders for my "young" quota..! Still makes me grin though!
Situations like the one I'm currently in are just as bad. As I write this I'm sat on the Underground listening to a spotty ginger teen trying to impress a girl by boasting about his drinking escapades over the weekend. "I did like so many Jaeggerbombs that I can't even tell you what the hangover was like, and I can't remember what time we stopped!"
Ugh kid, seriously?! For starters you shouldn't even be getting hangovers at your age, you're like twelve! Us old feckers are the ones bemoaning how much worse hangovers get with age because we remember how we used to bounce straight back!
Also, if you have EVER got within so much as a sniff of a Jaeggerbomb I'll be truly amazed. No way would you get served at a bar, and your continuing proclamations of how you "don't even need ID" lead me to the masterful conclusion that you are underage. I mean Sherlock Holmes would've struggled with that and yet my deductions are sound I believe...!
When did we grow out of these dumbass boasts of alcoholic prowess? Oh that's right, we didn't... Maybe we're not getting that old after all!
Still the reality is there that time marches on and keeps it in it's unbreakable grip. Though I did stumble across one great logic that helps. People in their eighties now still love and listen to the same music they did in their youth. Which means that one day when I'm eighty the same logic will apply. I'll be the happy house and trance granny, with a side order of G 'n R! Rock on grandma!!
The tune that comes on the radio that elicits the comment that "the original was so much better" is a great example. And to be fair nothing makes you feel old quite like the horrified look on a kid's face that their latest favourite track is a cover of one I listened to as a kid, I mean I'm just like soooo old duuuude!
Okay, the fact that saying "duuuuude" still makes me think of Ninja Turtles and Bill and Ted is NOT doing wonders for my "young" quota..! Still makes me grin though!
Situations like the one I'm currently in are just as bad. As I write this I'm sat on the Underground listening to a spotty ginger teen trying to impress a girl by boasting about his drinking escapades over the weekend. "I did like so many Jaeggerbombs that I can't even tell you what the hangover was like, and I can't remember what time we stopped!"
Ugh kid, seriously?! For starters you shouldn't even be getting hangovers at your age, you're like twelve! Us old feckers are the ones bemoaning how much worse hangovers get with age because we remember how we used to bounce straight back!
Also, if you have EVER got within so much as a sniff of a Jaeggerbomb I'll be truly amazed. No way would you get served at a bar, and your continuing proclamations of how you "don't even need ID" lead me to the masterful conclusion that you are underage. I mean Sherlock Holmes would've struggled with that and yet my deductions are sound I believe...!
When did we grow out of these dumbass boasts of alcoholic prowess? Oh that's right, we didn't... Maybe we're not getting that old after all!
Still the reality is there that time marches on and keeps it in it's unbreakable grip. Though I did stumble across one great logic that helps. People in their eighties now still love and listen to the same music they did in their youth. Which means that one day when I'm eighty the same logic will apply. I'll be the happy house and trance granny, with a side order of G 'n R! Rock on grandma!!
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
Everything Must (n't) Go?
Everyone likes a sale right? And one of the stores in my town that I regularly see running a sale is Dreams, the bed place.
One evening recently whilst walking home I saw this sign in the window of said shop.
Well that's handy thinks I, it's half six in the evening and I'm not the only one who comes back from town at this time by any stretch of the imagination, so it's great they're thinking of that.
Looking closer I found that the shop seemed remarkably empty for the last night of a sale, even if it's not the biggest town. With my curiosity piqued I investigated further and found this sign attached to the door itself.
Ummmm, what?! So let me get this straight. You have a sale that you're massively promoting that finishes today at eight, and you're open until six...? FAIL!!!
They may be good with beds, but their logic? Not so hot there...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)