Pub Politeness

This is really simple people, show a little consideration to the bar staff when you walk in a pub okay?

In the last five minutes in the pub I've seen one guy walk in and literally shout into the kitchen for service, when the woman serving was busy doing something else, and a second guy walk in and then leave grumbling because he wasn't served within sixty seconds.

I know everyone who's not done bar work doesn't quite understand that we don't JUST serve beer, we actually also clean, tidy, make food at times, book taxis, change toilet paper, restock and a multitude of other things.

We do know that you want serving and not being funny but if we stop doing that we lose customers and then our jobs if there's no one left to serve. So please believe we will get to you as soon as we can. We're not blind, we're not stupid and it's nowhere near as easy a job as most seem to think, I'd like to see half the whinging people work an AFD (All Fucking Day) and then tell me it's easy.

Oh and amazing I know but we do know what order you arrive at the bar, we don't need the "I'm next" comments, faces and other such reactions. The only things these will get you is a longer waiting time for service...!

And didn't your parents teach you please and thank you?! I'm sure they'd be proud...!

Blogging On The Go

Just downloaded the "Blogger" app for my iPhone so now I can properly blog on the go instead of fighting with the full website on WAP, joy!

Biggest problem I've always had with writing these is not being able to upload when I've seen something while out and about, but problem solved.

Happy little blogger! :-D

For The Love Of God Go Shopping!!!!

To the woman who got on the same train as me tonight:

I know that losing weight is hard, believe me. I don't like the size I am at the moment, so I'm on a diet and trying to exercise more to shift some weight. 

Some things are outside your control, a thyroid problem for example means that weight loss is nigh on impossible! Glad I don't have that issue!

Or maybe you're just really lucky in that you are more than happy with your size, that you are secure in your assessment of your attractiveness and that you unlike 99% of women are entirely comfortable in your own skin.

I hope it's the third, and not being funny if it is then good for you, I envy that contentment.

But...

What I do not celebrate, enjoy and desire is to see your stomach hanging over the top of your trousers and below the bottom of your, not short, top.

Seriously what the hell?! No one wants to see that and they do make clothes that fit you! It's how I do it, I may not like my size but I dress accordingly for it.

So please, please, for the love of god pleeeease GO SHOPPING!!!

Yours Appreciatively in Advance, From your fellow commuter.

WARNING : This Label Contains Pointless Information..!!

Warning labels are a source of so much entertainment, they manage to state the absolute obvious and still manage to sound like they're imparting some prized gem of knowledge. And although this may be taken as patronising I prefer to find the funny side and sit giggling to myself while I read.

Peanut packets are a great example of this. "May contain nuts" Really?! I'd damn well hope so otherwise I am going to feel truly cheated!

Or Preparation H is another great one, "not to be taken orally", because that seriously needs to be stated. Piles cream shouldn't be applied to the mouth... Well thank god you told me because that would've been my first thought of how to use cream for something that affects my arse!

I'm definitely a fan of the "warning, contents may be hot" on coffee cups. I mean I know some people actually like iced coffee, the majority of us aren't weird and lacking in taste buds so we prefer the hot and nicely flavoured version. So does the temperature of the coffee really need to be pointed out to us?

And I love the fact that the warning labels on lighters feel the need to point out that they "contain flammable fluid". Amazing piece of knowledge there, I never would have worked that out for myself!!!

But, my point, and why I started this post is more about smoking. My hubby is thinking of trying to quit smoking. Something I completely support, and really hope he does. And to help with this one of the things he has picked up is the Nicorette inhaler, so he can still take a drag off something rather than just stapling patches to himself. So far, so good.

Last night he got the inhaler out and decided to give it a try, so he read through the little instruction and warning booklet thingie and then plugged in a vial and gave it a go. On the smoking side, apparently it's not too bad, but I became a lot more interested in reading through the booklet because it has one of the greatest examples of printed stupidity that I have ever seen.

All you ever hear is that people struggle to quit smoking because of the nicotine. See, it's apparently the nicotine that is addictive, granted that's not my experience but maybe I'm just lucky. So, people smoke for the nicotine, and every aid to quitting smoking is designed to give you a smaller amount of nicotine so you can quit the cigarettes and wean yourself off said nicotine. Everyone with me so far?

This is what I found on the booklet that came with the inhaler -

Ummmmmm, maybe it's just me but I'm thinking that if you're allergic to nicotine, then the chances are you wouldn't have been smoking in the first place? And if you weren't smoking in the first place then you don't need a quit smoking aid...? In which case you would have never bought a Nicorette Inhaler and you wouldn't be reading this booklet...?!

What the hell is wrong with these people?! I get that in today's society you have to cover your arse but this is beyond ridiculous! And how much would it suck to be addicted to something you're allergic to?! How would you decide which was worse, withdrawal or anaphylaxis... How can I possibly choose between two such awesome options?! I mean I'm allergic to tinned pineapple, but I don't slowly wean myself off it by smoking Nicopine Inhalapple sticks do I...?

So remember people, don't continue to consume stuff you're allergic to, apparently that's bad...!

I'm Sorry, Do You Just Dislike Your Children?!

Baby names, more specifically celebrity baby names.... What on earth goes through these people's heads when it comes to naming their children?! "I wanted something unusual and edgy, that will most definitely lead to them being bullied..."?!

Reason this is in my head? Beyonce.... "Blue Ivy Carter".... I mean seriously?! Ivy I actually quite like, cute name, bit dated but could easily make a comeback with a bit of "cool celebrity" backing. And the idea behind it is very sweet, that the number four means a lot to them and IV is four in roman numerals... Yep, I like that. But Blue?!

I don't get why anyone famous feels the need to do this, but to be fair Beyonce is a mere amateur at the craptastic naming of kids!

Take Frank Zappa as an example for how to really do it "right". He had four children - Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan and Diva Thing Muffin Pigeen....
Not being funny, I had to check if Ahmet was a boy or a girl!! (He's a boy by the way.) And Diva Thin Muffin?! It's like an eating disorder just waiting to happen!
At least Frank Zappa has got the excuse, albeit not the greatest excuse, that he was almost certainly stoned off his nut when he named them. Won't make them feel any better about them but at least he didn't do it in sound mind?

Or how about Moxie Crimefighter? Yeah someone actually lumbered their own daughter with that heap of steaming excrament... In fact the only thing that could be worse than having this name I reckon is being the child of Penn Jilette, you know the magician guy out of Penn and Teller? Oh wait... that IS his daughter's name! Poor kid doesn't stand a chance!

Don't even get me started on Bob Geldof's kids, though I think this was more down to Paula Yates than him judging by the name Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily given to her daughter with Michael Hutchence! At least they each have a part of their names which can be used for a normalish everyday moniker though!

Okay, I know Woody Allen is a bit odd, okay he's really odd, okay he's just plain frickin' weird! But I still didn't expect him to come out with calling his son Satchel... Poor kid! Though give this one credit, he at least changed it when he was old enough, to Ronan. Nice and simple. I guess his parent's choice just wasn't his bag... *ba doom tsh*

So yeah, it's pretty prevelant that celebrities feel the need to name their kids dumbazz things. Personally I still think Frank Zappa is winning with his four, but I'm dreading the day someone decides to name their kid Spank Monkey Twirlibird!
Hmm, saying that maybe I need to have a word with the husband...!

Intellectual Fail....

I've been meaning to share this one for a while, a little gem overheard whilst working behind the bar.

It was a slow night at the pub, so we tend to do more tidying and sorting when there's not many customers to serve. I'd gone outside to cool down a bit (it gets roasting hot on the work side of the bar) and to collect any glasses that had been left lying around in the beer garden.

Outside were two girls and two guys having a cigarette and a chat. I knew the guys, they're pretty much regulars, but I'd not seen the girls before. I think one was one of the guys girlfriends but I'm not entirely sure. Anyway, while working you tend to find you half listen to what people are saying, not meaning to eavesdrop but it's just a habit most bartenders end up with in my experience. And conversations like this make me so happy it happens.

One of the guys was asking why they always end up talking about fairly inconsequential stuff and stated it would be nice to have an intellectual conversation for once, about politics or something. One of the girls then said that was fine and she thought Tony Blair was an asshole. Granted not the most eloquent of political opinions but a reasonable opinion to have.

The guy pointed out that was all well and good but as he was no longer PM it was a bit of a dated statement, to which she responded with the following -

"Well yeah okay, he's not. Who took over from him again? Oh yeah, Boris Johnson..."

At this point I had to go back inside and miss any following gems because I was shaking with laughter, was trying not to be rude and trying not to drop the glasses I was carrying. I was pretty much trying not to cry with laughter!

So I think that some are born intelligent, some achieve intelligence and more often than not some have other people's lack of intelligence thrust upon them...!

Bright Shiny New Year

I've been meaning to get round to a happy new year stylie post since, well, New Year funnily enough, but like I said on my Facebook page I've been feeling truly awful and not up to writing. On the plus side, the dreaded lurgy left me be until after New Year's Eve so at least I got to enjoy the party!

Side note, learned from said party - Baileys and tonic water do not mix... *yak*

Thankfully I wasn't the one who had to drink this glass of toxic vomit...

Soooo, we're now in 2012, how exciting!! I hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas and New Year because apparently they're the last ones we're going to have! The Mayan's, in their infinitely puckish way, designed a calendar that runs out on the 21st of December 2012, so this has led to the logic that this date is the date of the end of the world...

Couldn't possibly be that they got bored of writing and just stopped...? I mean call me crazy but were they supposed to just keep going and going and going....? I think at some point there was a hunchbacked Mayan dude sat in a room writing out this calendar and he finally went "enough is enough", throw down his... um... whatever implement they used for writing, and refuse to continue to enscribe a calendar that he was well aware already ran far far further than the end of his life. So in other words, he probably just decided that he;d gone far enough and someone else would continue at a later date, and then they didn't...!!

And if you think about it, 2010 Christmas and New Year were supposed to be our last, if you bought into the whole "Rapture" theory. What an anticlimax that was for all those poor sods who left themselves destitute convinced by Harold Camping (what an awesome name btw) that the world would end on the 21st of May 2011. Well actually it was Judgement Day in May, apparently the world wasn't actually supposed to end until the 21st October 2011. Not entirely sure what the "faithful" would be doing during these five months of limbo...?

So in other words at any given time there is some sort of theory that the world will be ending during the year we're in. I think, just to be awkward, the world will actually end in the one year that no one predicts it's end, so keep predicting people!!! And Happy New Year!