Driving Me Round The Sodding Twist!!!

Sooooo, when I decided to not go back to work this year and do my book instead one of my first thoughts was I would get a break from the rampant stupidity displayed every day on the tube, but what I forgot to take into consideration was I would be leaving myself open to the abject stupidity of other people's lives, namely their epic driving skills...

Now today my father in law kindly offered to take the school run off my hands, thereby giving me time to do my own thing and get some writing done, very much appreciated! One thing I did need to do was get my arse round to my friend's place to pick up my portion of our order for oils n' stuff for our wonderful smoking gizmos. No problem, all I had to do was drop by a cash point and then drive the two miles to his, nice and easy yeah? NO! It took me twenty bloody minutes to do a three minute drive!!!

Firstly, the cashpoint stop. There is one right by my mum's so the cunning plan was out of my road, thirty seconds to hers and pick up cash, plus it's on the way. I didn't even make it out of my road before epic stupidity reared it's butt ugly head. There are two lanes to get out of my road, one for left and straight on, one for right, pretty simple. Until some utter dickshit pulls up on the left, no problem so far, but leaves the car's back end sticking so far out it's not so much "parked" as it is ABANDONED!!!! Blocked the whole left lane and it took ages for everyone to creepy past in the right, dickhead!! And he was a taxi driver, even more annoying then! I've attached a pic for sharing of stupidity factor! Aaaargh!

Well I finally got past him, sailed through to my mum's and whacked the car into her parking space, ran to bank and shop and was on my way once more with no issue. "Great," thinks I, "I've left the idiots behind me." Oh no, stupid stupid thing to think, hello jinx you little shit!!

As I drove up to said mates I decided to have a giggle and had decided when I got there I would start shouting through his letterbox that I was there to pick up "the goods" and leave his neighbours thinking he was a drug dealer. Might not sound funny to all, but he would've seen the comedy so all good. ;)

Decided to take the back roads, quieter I figured, until I realised that there's a school on the way and it was school run time... Balls! I figured it'd be slow, but I no idea! I crawled my way past, being considerate and trying to force back the thoughts of carnage at the planks quite happily leading their children through moving traffic. Maybe they'd not bought the Christmas presents yet and figured if they got their kids run over it would save them some money...
Anyway, got to a point where the traffic just ground to a halt, and I don't mean for a minute, I didn't move for like ten minutes!! People were turning round behind me, but as I was about fifty feet from the turning I needed I was determined to stay the course! Finally we got moving and I found out why we had been stuck there for so long. Some twatty fuckstick had PARKED his farkin' BMW in the middle of the road while he walked down to meet his kids at the school gate! No, you didn't read that wrong. Parked, middle of road, twat!!

The school in question has a pretty crap reputation, but now I've worked out the kids aren't at fault at all. If that is the general level of logic applied by the parents how can those kids learn any sort of common sense!!! I mean seriously?! I thought them double width parking outside the gates was bad but at least those ones left one line open for traffic!
THEN he had the fucking gall to start swearing at the people who'd been gridlocked waiting for him as if we were being unreasonable for looking ever so slightly (or in my case monumentally) hacked off at his behaviour. Dude, your kid is screwed! The only actual "looking up" that kid could possibly do towards his dad will likely end the day he's no longer taller than him! Or at least I hope so, or the future is fucked!

Needless to say by the time I did actually get where I was going I was in no mood for puckish behaviour and instead poor mate had to listen to me rant for about five minutes over how retarded the drivers in this town are! Next time sod it, I'm going to pretend I'm live playing Grand Theft Auto and I'm mowing the freaks down!! I can't be the only person who'd have been happy if someone had stolen his bloody Beamer!

Oh tube morons, I miss you!! :/

Confessions Of A Vapist...

Last year I wrote about my decision to quit smoking, and I think my continued contribution into the pockets of the makers of Camel cigarettes proved that my efforts were somewhat failing... My husband's steadfast dedication to his nicotine fix certainly didn't help either, add a few glasses of wine and the answer to "Are you coming for a smoke?" annoyingly becomes a swift affirmative. Or at least it used to...

One of my best friends discovered something a few months ago, an e-cigarette known as the Odyssey. This little (and when I say little it is with a huge dose of tongue in cheek, it being one of the heftiest fake cigarettes I've ever seen) gizmo combines flavoured oil with a touch of nicotine and you're basically smoking water vapour once the battery is applied and the burner heats the oil.

Well I figured anything that could change someone from smoking a twenty deck a day, scarily at a cost of about £250 a month, to using just this Odyssey at about £35 a month for oils was worth a punt. So I bit the bullet and logged on to order one.

The next day my package of new "smoking" paraphernalia turned up and I excitedly tore into the box and put the Odyssey together. It takes five to ten minutes to prime the cartomizer which is where the oil burns and produces the steam, but other than that it's pretty quick to assemble. It also comes with two rechargeable batteries which is brilliant because otherwise you'd have to buy so many it would become ridiculously expensive! So anyway, it's all assembled, and I've primed and filled it with my oil of choice, I went for cherry which actually tastes like cherry drops for those my age, cherry lips for anyone younger... ;) Well, thought I, time to give it a try!

This is when I hit my little gripe at the Odyssey. Rechargeable batteries are brilliant, until you realise that you can't use any other batteries in it and the ones they send you arrive without any charge... So having bought and assembled your new toy, you can't use it for at least four hours wile the batteries charge. I think I gave up after three hours and put a partially charged one in there which was fine but still kind of annoying. For me it didn't make much a difference, I didn't smoke many a day at that point but for someone who does smoke heavily they probably end up doing five or six cigarettes while waiting to be able to quit smoking... Lol!!

This hurdle overcome I started on the Odyssey proper, and I'll tell you what, it's lovely! The flavours in the oils don't taste horribly chemical, they're actually very pleasant, although obviously some experimenting is needed to find the right flavour. Within a week I was a little sick of the cherry flavouring, but this might also have something to do with the cartomizer, as the original set comes with a single coil cartomizer which burns oil quite unevenly, burns it fast so you get through a lot of it initially and is also prone to flooding which means you end up with a touch of warm oil in your mouth; not pleasant I assure you!

At this point I'd probably had one cigarette in the week I'd been using the Odyssey, so it was working but the issues I was having and the amount of oil I was using was starting to put me off. On the advice of the friend who'd originally put me onto this path I ordered some dual coil cartomizers along with some new oil, this time I decided to try coconut.

Although I should've had them the next day it took a couple to turn up, though I would say that was due to Royal Mail's issue and not the company I ordered from. Once installed, primed and coconut'd I gave it another try. What a difference!!! The coconut was a nicer taste, to me anyway, the dual coil was much more efficient and gave me a smoother flavour as well as burning at a better rate. One pot of oil lasted me about a week with the initial combo of single coil and cherry, on the dual coil with the coconut it's lasted me three...!

So, now I've been using the Odyssey for four weeks basically, during which time I've not bought any cigarettes, I've still got five or six in the box I bought over a month ago sat in the living room, and I've had maybe four cigarettes at the pub. Two things with the ones I have had though -

1) I have only smoked cigarettes when I've run out of batteries so can't use the Odyssey.
2) The cigarettes I've had since moving off them? Tasted fucking vile!!!! Seriously how did I manage puffing on like five or ten of those things a day?! Bleugh!

So personally I'm sold, no smoke or tar, and you can choose the level of nicotine from 0 to 32mg per pot of oil. So if, like me, your addiction is more about the physical smoking rather than the nicotine it's perfect! At the moment I'm using the 8mg nicotine setting, it's the lowest one, but I think in a couple of weeks I'll just drop it down to 0mg.

So I think I can pretty much now say I don't smoke, I vape. Ladies and gentleman, I am a vapist!


Check it out for yourself those of you who smoke, you never know, you might like it!
www.totallywicked-eliquid.co.uk

mPads

Sooooo, MPs are to be given iPads at the cost of the taxpayer...? Really?! Explain this to me Mr Cameron.

I have recently obtained a shiny iPad 3 for myself. Note please Mr PM that I not only sourced this FOR myself but also BY myself. I have recently been made redundant and decided to spend part of my severance package on an iPad. I'm very glad I have, I love it to bits, it's great fun and it also provided my hubby with huge amusement when the same day I got it he managed to get a photo of me crashed out on the sofa that night hugging it... I probably should be embarrassed but you know what? It's that much fun that I'm not! ;)

So I entirely understand wanting one of these fab devices, in fact I'm typing this post on it. I don't, however, understand why MPs require one of these to do their jobs.

The government logic apparently is that they're offsetting the cost by making the recipients return PCs or laptops, but to be fair this wont actually help at all. iPads, or at least the new ones, cost at least four hundred pounds. Second hand laptops don't do anywhere near as well, in my experience. Plus iPads can't do flash players or Microsoft Office. So exactly what benefit is being gained from them? Or is it, as I'm more inclined to believe, that the MPs just want the pretty new toys to play with...?

So, they can afford this ridiculous luxury for the members of our illustrious parliament, but we can't afford to adequately equip our "armed" forces who go out and risk life and limb...?

I may not be the only voice in this country but I'd like to stand up and be counted as one of those who will happily say this frivolity is insane when there are genuinely good ways to spend this money. Rather than paying for our MPs to play Angry Birds on a big screen...
Though I'll admit it's fun, I paid for the privilege myself, so I'm allowed to giggle like a loony at the experience... ;)

Maybe they should think about doing the same?

Drifters

Traversing as I do through three separate train stations every day I have found out several things: -

1.       I am nowhere near as patient and tolerant of idiots as I thought I was.

2.       A lot of people who use trains and tubes are, regrettably, idiots.

3.       It’s practically a guarantee that the women snarking at me and my trainers in the mornings are invariably the women scowling at me and my trainers as I walk home comfortably and they’re crippled in their stiletto heels.

4.       You will, every day without fail, encounter drifters.

No I don’t mean these packets of chocolaty goodness...

I mean the people who for no reason feel the need to drift from side to side whilst walking through the stations directly into your path, or at the very least force you further and further over until you’re practically climbing the wall you are now plastered to!

Now maybe I’m being harsh, but I’m thinking when you learnt to walk, you also learnt to walk in a straight line? I mean how the every living fuck would these people so much as pass a sobriety test?! How the hell do they manage to drive cars? Or do they drift from lane to lane on the motorway as well?

Not only are these people the bane of my “I quite like walking fast” existence but they also seem to default to a setting where they drift in front of you, and then slow down! Aaaaaaargh, seriously people?!

It’s really very simple. You are going from A to B, the sensible idea would be to travel between these two points in a straight line thereby minimising the time it takes to arrive at point B, and also the amount of energy required for said traveling. So walking in some numpty, idiot, ziggy zaggy, wibbly wobbly route serves to benefit exactly… um… NO  ONE!!!!! Stop it!

There is the possibility that I’m being unfair, that all of these people actually suffer from a so far undiagnosed illness which means it is entirely inconceivable for them to walk in a straight line.



Okay, it’s possible. But let’s face it, it’s pretty bloody unlikely; which leaves us with one of two possible hypotheses. The first is that they have an amazing craptastic sense of balance which makes them swerve from side to side without realising that they are, in fact, walking in a manner similar to drunk people. Or two, they’re actually doing it on purpose.

Okay, I can be a little cynical, but I’m convinced they’re doing it to royally piss me off. I cannot seriously believe that this many people every single day walk like this without knowing they’re doing it! So it is just me, or is it other people finding this too? I am seriously debating starting to wear jackets with spikes on the elbow, maybe then they’ll learn to walk properly…!!!



Something like that perhaps...?

;)

Times, They Are A Changing...

After my previous company related Facebook status I can confirm I am one of those being made redundant. This will have two noticeable effects on Confined Sinners.

1) I will have a lot more time to write my blogs.
2) I will have a lot less ammo with which to write about...

Hmm, well let's see. I mean I have branched out in the past to non commuter thoughts, so this will give me the opportunity to investigate that avenue of thought more thoroughly. The other thing is I will still be travelling into London for agency meetings and hopefully interviews so travelling at a different time of day could give me a new type of weirdo to talk about... ;)

Silver linings people, onwards and upwards!!

Forgotten Something…?

You all know the situation, you’ve left home, most likely got all the way to work and you suddenly realise what you’ve done… Your mobile, your lifeline to the world as a whole, and depending on the model your games console is sat back at home, abandoned!

Your heart starts to race, sweat slicks your palms as you realise that not only do you have nothing to play with, but NO ONE CAN CONTACT YOU! Oh my god, what the hell do you do now?! If, like me, you work miles from home you certainly can’t go back for it. You know how popular you are and you can just envision the multitude of text messages piling up as people struggle to get in touch. The missed call log will most likely be maxed out already; I mean how many messages can one phone hold?!

And how worried must all the people who can’t get in touch be?! They must think you’re ill, possibly even been hospitalised! Or maybe they’re getting upset because they think you’re ignoring them! I mean it does happen, we’ve all put our phones on silent and forgotten about it. It could be sat in your desk drawer, or your handbag, or your jacket buzzing silently and you’re just choosing to pass up the opportunity to talk to them!

The unending tirade stalks through your mind all day, you can’t relax, you can’t concentrate. All you can think about is the phone sat on your beside table being overrun with contacts that you just can’t hear. It’s a torment, not to mention all the time you’re missing on Angry Birds or some other game addiction. And what are you going to do on your journey home?! I mean it’s alright for you driving commuters who wouldn’t have time to use the phone anyway, but for us poor souls consigned to the long train ride home with no music or anything!!!

Finally, the day finishing and you burst out of the office and race for home. How long will it take you to catch up on all those messages, calls and texts?! The commute seems to last forever but at last it’s over, you’re home and the work can begin. You bolt through the door, panic reaching a crescendo as you search for your missing media appendage. You spot it and dash across the room, snatching it up in one quick manoeuvre, and activate the screen...

 

Seriously?! Mother fuckers!!! Well I don’t want to damn well talk to you either!!

Congratulations London Commuter - All Time Low

I do see some pretty shitty things on my commute, largely on the Underground, but most of them just roll over me as one of those things. But yesterday, yeah this one is going to stay with me for a while!

So there I was, on my way home, and best part of a million miles away with my head in a book. The day had been uneventful and nothing had really jumped out. Until I set foot on my tube when homeward bound. Several passengers behind me in the "boarding line" was a pregnant woman, who I didn't notice until she had got on board and was already seated. Once I did notice her, as there were no seats available, I decided to offer her my seat as I would normally do. Before I could get up and get her attention however I noticed her lean towards the guy sat in one of the "priority seats" and ask if he could please move so she could sit down.

He said no.

Yes really, he fucking said no! I mean what the fucking hell is wrong with this bloke?! It's really very simple, if there is someone who needs that seat, especially a priority seat, more than you do, YOU SHIFT YOUR ARSE! To me this isn't a complicated logical step, it's normal, it's the decent thing to do, it's a simple courtesy to our fellow human beings to consider their situation and prioritise it above your own.

The lady next to El Douchebag DID get up and the pregnant lady thanked her very graciously and sat down. But here's the thing, this meant that for the rest of her tube journey she had to sit next to this craptastic piece of work! And he did everything to avoid eye contact, looking completely unperterbed by the way he had acted.

I so desperately wanted to say something, but she looked so drained by it all that I didn't have the heart to cause her more hassle. Seriously though people have some consideration, I know us commuters are assholes at times but there are some thing you just don't do!!!! And El Douchebag, if you're reading this, I hope for your sake that you don't pull this shite on another train I'm on, cos I don't think I could swallow the compunction to deck you twice...!