But, and right now this is a pretty fucking big but given that I'm genuinely angry for the first time in a long time, I would expect people to maybe show a bit of consideration if they knock into me. I'm not asking for a howling, wailing outpouring of regret at the fact that they ever so slightly jostled me out of the way, I'm not the fucking messiah and neither is the baby. When I get repeatedly smacked in the stomach however by some dozy fucking twunt who's squeezed onto an insanely crowded tube train and her sodding handbag I would expect when I point out what she's doing (politely I might add) that she look a little apologetic, maybe say sorry, and hold her handbag at a different height. Simple really. What I didn't expect was to have her roll her eyes at me and tell me to fuck off because "I shouldn't have gotten on such a crowded tube then"... It wasn't this crowded until you boarded behind me you fucktard!!! Argh, rage!!!!
Friday, 1 November 2013
All New Low
Yes I'm pregnant, but I'm also (largely) not a drama queen. I can actually survive standing on the tube for the fifteen seconds it takes between my two stops, and as often as I'm kindly offered a seat I always decline because at that point the seat's current occupant will get significantly more use and benefit from it than I will. I also don't expect the crowd of commuters to part like the fucking Red Sea because I'm walking through a crowded train station, I can quite happily continue to filter through same as I always have, albeit maybe a touch slower.
Wednesday, 16 October 2013
Bloody Buggering Bus Related Balls Up!!!!
This morning started like any other. My alarm shrieked music at me at six o’clock mentally translating to “GET THE HELL OUT OF BED!!!” so I dutifully dragged myself into the shower, successfully worked my way through my morning bathroom routine without faceplanting the wall , and somewhat sleepily/sulkily got myself dressed and ready to go. Being the lovely person that I am, and given that he reads this blog and isn’t allowed to disagree, I made my husband’s coffee, did the whole “have a good day darling” bit and got myself outside to face the day.
For starters, holy crap when did it get this cold?! And also, note to self to buy a proper jacket, given that my denim is pretty much all that comfortably fits pregnant me and it’s short and not exactly designed for six degree temperatures… So, picture painted. I’m tired, cold, grumpy, and pregnant; fun times! ;)
Oh and I’m now waiting for the bus. I used to walk up to the station in the morning (when I wasn’t feeling lazy) but now I’m coming up for seven months gone I walk at the speed that would embarrass a severely arthritic ninety year old who’s just had a hip replacement… So bus it is. There’s only ten minutes between it being due in the morning and the train that I get on, but at quarter to seven in the morning the thing is de-sert-ed! So it literally goes straight there without stopping and only takes like three minutes, so score! Quarter to seven comes and goes, so does ten to, then five to, and then my other half walks over as he’s ready to get on his seven o’clock bus. And there has been nothing go past, BUT I overhear a conversation a woman is having on her phone about our road being closed. “Ridiculous, “ thinks I, “There’s no signs or anything!” But that little seed of doubt has been sown, and it’s growing…
Hubby and I finally decide to bite the bullet and walk down to the next stop, only a few minutes walk and if the bus drives past we’ll wave like loonies and argue that it’s late so we started walking and get them to stop. At least that’s my cunning logic, not sure about his, but hey it should work!
At the next stop there’s a guy waiting who hasn’t had a bus come past either, and we start looking down the high street with very much of a “I’m not seeing much traffic coming this way down that street” feeling dawning on us. By this point though I’m about half an hour late, I’m freezing my proverbials off and I’m ready to lynch someone if I have to walk! So just to be on the safe side we decide to quickly buzz down to the next stop, as traffic looks to be flowing that way, better safe than sorry sort of thing. Literally just start walking and oh what’s that ahead? Oh that’d be the LAST BUS FOR HALF AN HOUR COME DOWN BYPASSING US! AAAAAAAAAAAAH, RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!
Bless him, thankfully the hubs was with me, because I don’t know how many of you have tried running at seven months pregnant, but it’s severly un-fucking-pleasant! I could practically hear the baby going “Mum, WTF?!” as I wan (waddle ran) down to the bus stop where they were waiting for me, only pausing to pick my bloody iphone up from where it landed on the poxy bloody ground after bouncing out of my pocket! Oh goodie, could this morning get much more fun?! Oh wait, yeah it can because instead of taking our money and driving us to the bloody train station like his job kinda entails the frickin bus driver is now on the phone to another bus driver checking to see if he knows about the road closures… I DON’T CARE! I know now, and I need to get to work! Phone him later, phone him on the move, send a bastard bloody carrier pigeon, I don’t give a tiny rat’s tushy but if I miss another train you’ll be like a squirrel who’s experienced a burglary – MISSING YOUR NUTS!!!
Thankfully I think he managed to pick up on the murderous vibes that were emanating from me, and probably everyone stood behind me, and he finally decided to get moving. All I can say is it’s a good thing that no one pushed that stupid stop button between there and the train station because I’m not entirely convinced I could’ve avoided physical injury to them at that point! Even had time for a two minute chill out before going to get on the train, which was beautifully packed out, including the charming man mountain I ended up next to in first class who insisted on taking up half of my seat as well. I’m wound up, but he’s kinda big and growly looking so maybe at this point I’ll just keep my mouth shut. Could’ve been worse, at least I got a seat, unlike my poor husband who had to stand squished up in steerage, okay so my pregnancy upgrade does have a handy side effect once in a while… ;)
Not being funny, I get that roadworks happen, and that this means a road closure here or there at times, but how about a tiny bit of information actually being passed on?! Nothing on the bus stop, no signage up on the road anywhere, not a single thing telling us what the hell is going on. In fact, if it wasn’t for overhearing a phone conversation someone I don’t know was having I’d have probably stayed at our usual bus stop and would probably still be there! I would dearly love to complain to someone about this fact, but I know what’s going to happen if I do. It’ll go something like this –
Abellio – It’s Surrey County Council’s responsibility to notify people of road closures.
Surrey County Council – It’s Abellio’s responsibility to notify people of adjustments to bus routes.
Now all that is going to happen by getting those responses is my blood pressure increasing, and I really don’t think it’s worth it. So I’ll settle for a little rant about my morning on here, with the hopeful side effect of having made a couple of people smile along the way, and it does make a nice change from harbouring murderous thoughts at Southwest Trains! So hey, hi ho silver lining! But be warned Surrey Council and Abellio, I am NOT amused, and I’m watching you…!
Thursday, 3 October 2013
Pregnant Women Are Drama Queens....
Yes ladies I'm sorry, but for a large proportion of you (in London at least) this is very very true.
I'm now just over seven months pregnant, and what I'm finding is actually true and what is total fallacy about commuting specifically is really amusing me. So the top two things I was warned about, sitting down and travelling with morning sickness, how have they panned out in reality?
1) No One Ever Offers You A Seat...
Nope, total bullshit. Granted there are a lot of people, and in this instance I'm afraid yes it's largely you menfolk, who will hide their heads behind a paper or suddenly look engrossed in staring down at Candy Crush so as to make it look like they've not seen you. Hmmm, yeah sorry but if you watch everyone the automatic reaction of most of us when someone enters a train carriage is to glance up, and between the badges and rocking the big old baby bump we're kind of hard to miss...
Still, the absolute furthest I have made it on the overground standing is one stop. At which point either someone has noticed me and jumped up to kindly offer their seat, another standing passenger has made a request for someone to "let the pregnant lady sit down" and someone has always offered, or I've actually asked someone in the 'priority' seats to let me sit down and they always have and usually without seeming begrudging about it.
So yeah it's crap, and it's incredibly unfair to some, because it makes all us commuters sounds like total assholes. The simple truth is the stories about a lovely guy getting up as soon as he's seen you and offering his seat without prompting isn't anywhere near as entertaining to tell your friends than the one about the utter ASSHOLE who stared at you the whole way smirking and refusing to vacate his seat. Celebrate the nice people once in a while yeah?
2) Morning Sickness Just Makes Everything Impossible, Help Me...?
So this one is a little different, some women do genuinely suffer from horrendous morning sickness and it makes doing anything at all a million times harder. SOME women, not all of us, and I'm sorry but this one gets played on all the time!
"I can't possibly stand/sit/walk/talk (please delete as required), I'm just suffering soooo much with this terrible morning sickness, I'm AM pregnant you know..."
Yes dear, of course you are. Or maybe you're one of the lucky ones, like me thankfully, who've had barely a touch of the dreaded morning sickness, and are now playing off the possibility of it in order to be a lazy cow? You know who you are, I mean most of us have done it at some point because we feel like crap for whatever reason but stop bloody acting the martyr because you happen to have been impregnated!
Thursday, 8 August 2013
Southwest First Class
Sounds good doesn't it? First Class... It conjures up images of opulence, luxury, and privilege. You immediately picture the first class lounge of an airplane, and images of nymphs flitting from seat to seat dispensing free flowing champagne from silver and gold goblets, and trays of all manner of delectable treats artfully arranged and left awaiting your pleasure. Then you get on the train...
Omg, it's First Class, there's a, a... slightly larger seat and a plug socket on the wall... Um, am I in the wrong place? Oh wait, there's no one to ask. Where are my nymphs? Dammit I want nymphs!! And where's the rest of it?! This is it...? THIS is what adds around £200 a month to my travelcard?? Okay, not mine, I'm rocking the free upgrade but still! I feel cheated..! On some services granted first class has a purpose, when it comes to Southwest Trains however there's a certain sense of something lacking... Like the class, or the first, or just well any sort of feeling you'd expect anything warranting that label to create!
Thursday, 28 March 2013
Commuting, It's A Tiring Process
When I boarded the train the other morning I have to admit I was confronted by something that I've not seen before, a woman asleep on the train. Yes I know that's pretty regular, so it sounds like I'm talking crap but this was bizarrely different. She was asleep lying across three seats...
Okay, I get she's tired but who the hell tries to lie down and sleep on an early morning, and crazy busy, commuter train...? Thankfully my usual seat was free so I got myself settled down and stuck my headphones on. Until the guy next to me pointed out it was a great idea and more people should do it. Heh heh, very funny, oh you're serious? Wait, what?! This is your idea of a great idea? Um, weird?
I just said she wouldn't make it to Waterloo without being moved and he seemed confused by this attitude. Well let's think about this. It's eight o'clock, the train is usually rammed to the point of uncomfortable standing room only by the time we leave Surbiton and you really think no one is going to tell her to move? Aw bless, you're new at this aren't you?
Funnily enough Surbiton rolled around and she was woken up and asked to move. I just smiled quietly to myself, shame for her disturbed sleep but I wasn't remotely surprised, well beyond the fact that she was woken very politely by someone rather than just being barked at to shift the hell out the way!
"Oh well it looks like you were right," says matey boy next to me. I smiled politely at him and didn't really say anything. "But," he continued. "I do think it was rather rude of whoever woke her up to have done that, people should respect that she was obviously very tired and left her to sleep!"
...?! I'm not often gobsmacked into silence but that did it! The other commuter was rude? To ask her to only take up one seat on a busy train rather than three?
Am I missing something here? Personally I'd say it would be more rude to expect people to stand so you can occupy three seats when the train is packed to the doors. I mean no one was rude, she was asked to move and she did, everything was very civil and friendly. But seriously I don't get this guy's stance, I just don't. Actually I find it truly screwy and fucked up to have that point of view.
Opinions? What would you have done in either person's place? I know commuting into London does impact your sensibilities about other people on the same train/tube but I'm sure I'm still clinging onto enough sanity to have the right view on this surely!!
Okay, I get she's tired but who the hell tries to lie down and sleep on an early morning, and crazy busy, commuter train...? Thankfully my usual seat was free so I got myself settled down and stuck my headphones on. Until the guy next to me pointed out it was a great idea and more people should do it. Heh heh, very funny, oh you're serious? Wait, what?! This is your idea of a great idea? Um, weird?
I just said she wouldn't make it to Waterloo without being moved and he seemed confused by this attitude. Well let's think about this. It's eight o'clock, the train is usually rammed to the point of uncomfortable standing room only by the time we leave Surbiton and you really think no one is going to tell her to move? Aw bless, you're new at this aren't you?
Funnily enough Surbiton rolled around and she was woken up and asked to move. I just smiled quietly to myself, shame for her disturbed sleep but I wasn't remotely surprised, well beyond the fact that she was woken very politely by someone rather than just being barked at to shift the hell out the way!
"Oh well it looks like you were right," says matey boy next to me. I smiled politely at him and didn't really say anything. "But," he continued. "I do think it was rather rude of whoever woke her up to have done that, people should respect that she was obviously very tired and left her to sleep!"
...?! I'm not often gobsmacked into silence but that did it! The other commuter was rude? To ask her to only take up one seat on a busy train rather than three?
Am I missing something here? Personally I'd say it would be more rude to expect people to stand so you can occupy three seats when the train is packed to the doors. I mean no one was rude, she was asked to move and she did, everything was very civil and friendly. But seriously I don't get this guy's stance, I just don't. Actually I find it truly screwy and fucked up to have that point of view.
Opinions? What would you have done in either person's place? I know commuting into London does impact your sensibilities about other people on the same train/tube but I'm sure I'm still clinging onto enough sanity to have the right view on this surely!!
Pub Morons
It is my habit lately, given there's a pub soooo close to the station, to stop off for a drink on my way home. It's a nice chill out off the train and who doesn't like an end of day drink? Most of the time my husband is only half an hour behind me so it also means we can meet up for a drink without a load of people around and grab a little bit of "us" time.
Tonight I knew he wasn't about but given that I am still spending most of my spare time writing and I had my current notebook with me I thought I'd stop off anyway. Couple of glasses of wine, bit of writing, and then home in time for when my father in law gets to ours, sorted.
Tonight it was fairly busy, but I managed to find a table in the back of the pub and set up my iPad, notebook, and of course my wine. The next table over from me was occupied by four youngish lads, at a guess I would say twenty one or so, and they were talking pretty loudly. As much as this bugs a lot of people I personally don't mind given that I'm plugging my headphones in and normally I wouldn't have given them so much as a second glance BUT as I sat down they started swearing at some guy who had asked them to be a little quieter.
"Yeah, yeah, keep fucking walking mate," was the delightful first thing I heard. I did decide though to ignore my instincts to call them out for the tossers they were being and put my head into what I was doing. Not for long though.
Next thing I hear is them talking really loudly about how much money they need off each other, all headed for one guy sat the opposite side of the table from me. My interest (read nosiness) piqued I started to pay a little more attention, and worked out really damn quick that they were arranging to buy themselves some coke.
Okay, I do not give a tiny rat's tushy if people want to buy drugs of any description, but for fuck's sake maybe talk about it a little quieter?! I had my headphones on and music playing but I could still hear them clearly enough to work out what they were up to. And then to round it off one of them started on about how the guy behind the bar is a dealer. Um, that would be a mate of mine and no he's fucking not... What the hell?!
First time in years I have actually moved to get away from people. Aforementioned friend asked why I'd moved and I had to share the description of the frickin douchebags for comedy value!!
Simple lesson. Do what you want, but shouting about drugs in a pub? Good way to get barred. Bunch of raging dickshits, that generation is screwed if that's the best it has to offer!! I give up!! *facepalm*
Tonight I knew he wasn't about but given that I am still spending most of my spare time writing and I had my current notebook with me I thought I'd stop off anyway. Couple of glasses of wine, bit of writing, and then home in time for when my father in law gets to ours, sorted.
Tonight it was fairly busy, but I managed to find a table in the back of the pub and set up my iPad, notebook, and of course my wine. The next table over from me was occupied by four youngish lads, at a guess I would say twenty one or so, and they were talking pretty loudly. As much as this bugs a lot of people I personally don't mind given that I'm plugging my headphones in and normally I wouldn't have given them so much as a second glance BUT as I sat down they started swearing at some guy who had asked them to be a little quieter.
"Yeah, yeah, keep fucking walking mate," was the delightful first thing I heard. I did decide though to ignore my instincts to call them out for the tossers they were being and put my head into what I was doing. Not for long though.
Next thing I hear is them talking really loudly about how much money they need off each other, all headed for one guy sat the opposite side of the table from me. My interest (read nosiness) piqued I started to pay a little more attention, and worked out really damn quick that they were arranging to buy themselves some coke.
Okay, I do not give a tiny rat's tushy if people want to buy drugs of any description, but for fuck's sake maybe talk about it a little quieter?! I had my headphones on and music playing but I could still hear them clearly enough to work out what they were up to. And then to round it off one of them started on about how the guy behind the bar is a dealer. Um, that would be a mate of mine and no he's fucking not... What the hell?!
First time in years I have actually moved to get away from people. Aforementioned friend asked why I'd moved and I had to share the description of the frickin douchebags for comedy value!!
Simple lesson. Do what you want, but shouting about drugs in a pub? Good way to get barred. Bunch of raging dickshits, that generation is screwed if that's the best it has to offer!! I give up!! *facepalm*
Wednesday, 6 March 2013
Road Runner
Okay so I'm currently working in Southwark, and as I like to get back earlier I take the tube the whole ONE MINUTE to Waterloo, I know lazy right? Well I got reminded of my laziness tonight just as I walked out of the office, but thankfully in a way that made me laugh out loud in the street.
Normal day, nothing to report really and then as I left my office building and walked down Southwark Street I saw a runner heading towards me. Damn, now I feel lazy I helpfully think. As he nears and passes me I realise he is running along with his mouth wide open, picture the human version of a Humpback whale just cruising along mouth wide open to catch krill, yep that's about what it looked like! Seriously very weird and after he passed I turned to look at him as he ran on by giving him somewhat of a quizzical look another woman on the street looked at me and laughed.
"I know, weird wasn't it? But to be fair he had nothing on the laugh I got from the look on your face..."
Hurrah, I'm lightening people's days! :)
Normal day, nothing to report really and then as I left my office building and walked down Southwark Street I saw a runner heading towards me. Damn, now I feel lazy I helpfully think. As he nears and passes me I realise he is running along with his mouth wide open, picture the human version of a Humpback whale just cruising along mouth wide open to catch krill, yep that's about what it looked like! Seriously very weird and after he passed I turned to look at him as he ran on by giving him somewhat of a quizzical look another woman on the street looked at me and laughed.
"I know, weird wasn't it? But to be fair he had nothing on the laugh I got from the look on your face..."
Hurrah, I'm lightening people's days! :)
Sunday, 13 January 2013
The Latter One
I spent the night at the hospital on Friday, unfortunately my mother is unwell and I needed to take her in. I left at about five in the morning to go and get some sleep before I would head back on Saturday and lucky me it was hammering down with rain! :/
It's only a ten minute drive so I wasn't too concerned about it, so I set off happily dreaming of my bed.
As I came over a hill into the next door town to mine I realised that I had some idiot sat about five inches off my back bumper... Now seeing as it's five am one of the two following options is the most likely -
1) I am pissed.
2) I am pissed off
It was the latter...
Because of the heavy rain there were some seriously huge puddles everywhere and as I got close to the first on my side of the road I slowed right down realised it was pretty deep and would only affect my left wheels. Matey boy behind me beeps, flashes his lights and generally acts like a tool. Now I'm thinking had I continued at fifty miles an hour one of the two following options was likely -
1) I would enter the puddle and the waters would part before me making sure that nothing untoward happened and I floated on through.
2) The deep water on my left wheels would cause them to turn more slowly meaning that my right ones would continue at their regular speed causing my car to veer, aquaplane and spin.
Pretty sure that'd be the latter...
The road was straight and empty apart from us so he decided to overtake, to be honest I was happy with that because it got him off my back! Ahead of us loomed another puddle, which of these two options happened -
1) He sensibly slowed his speed thereby passing through the puddle safely and without issue.
2) He continued at fifty miles an hour, his left wheels were affected by the deep water and his car spun out.
Oh yeah, that'd be the latter!
I carefully drove round him and continued on my way. Which of these two options do you think I was thinking -
1) Oh what a shame, I'm sure he didn't realise what would happen and this should be a helpful learning experience for him!
2) What a twat!
It was the, well I think you get the idea by now... ;)
It's only a ten minute drive so I wasn't too concerned about it, so I set off happily dreaming of my bed.
As I came over a hill into the next door town to mine I realised that I had some idiot sat about five inches off my back bumper... Now seeing as it's five am one of the two following options is the most likely -
1) I am pissed.
2) I am pissed off
It was the latter...
Because of the heavy rain there were some seriously huge puddles everywhere and as I got close to the first on my side of the road I slowed right down realised it was pretty deep and would only affect my left wheels. Matey boy behind me beeps, flashes his lights and generally acts like a tool. Now I'm thinking had I continued at fifty miles an hour one of the two following options was likely -
1) I would enter the puddle and the waters would part before me making sure that nothing untoward happened and I floated on through.
2) The deep water on my left wheels would cause them to turn more slowly meaning that my right ones would continue at their regular speed causing my car to veer, aquaplane and spin.
Pretty sure that'd be the latter...
The road was straight and empty apart from us so he decided to overtake, to be honest I was happy with that because it got him off my back! Ahead of us loomed another puddle, which of these two options happened -
1) He sensibly slowed his speed thereby passing through the puddle safely and without issue.
2) He continued at fifty miles an hour, his left wheels were affected by the deep water and his car spun out.
Oh yeah, that'd be the latter!
I carefully drove round him and continued on my way. Which of these two options do you think I was thinking -
1) Oh what a shame, I'm sure he didn't realise what would happen and this should be a helpful learning experience for him!
2) What a twat!
It was the, well I think you get the idea by now... ;)
Thursday, 3 January 2013
Boy Racing Fail...
Picture the scene, I'm sat at the top of the high street of my town waiting for the traffic lights. There are two lanes, I'm going left. A car pulls up alongside me, a young guy (maybe eighteen or so) sat in the drivers seat. He's turning right.
Now imagine my confusion when he starts revving his engine, and I don't mean idly gunning the gas. I mean revving the nuts off his car, and looking to his left with that "let's race" look on his face.
Confusion, I mean true confusion. Let me explain simply.
At this particular junction the left lane turns left, the right lane turns right, there is no way we could be sat parallel with each other and be going in the same direction. None. I mean what the hell does he think we're going to do, race the two inches off the line until we veer in two different directions?! I mean really, what exactly is the point in trying to get your race on when we aren't even going in the same fucking direction?!
Moron.
And after all that I pulled away, not slowly but not fast, and he was still sat on the line as I turned the corner... *eyeroll*
Now imagine my confusion when he starts revving his engine, and I don't mean idly gunning the gas. I mean revving the nuts off his car, and looking to his left with that "let's race" look on his face.
Confusion, I mean true confusion. Let me explain simply.
At this particular junction the left lane turns left, the right lane turns right, there is no way we could be sat parallel with each other and be going in the same direction. None. I mean what the hell does he think we're going to do, race the two inches off the line until we veer in two different directions?! I mean really, what exactly is the point in trying to get your race on when we aren't even going in the same fucking direction?!
Moron.
And after all that I pulled away, not slowly but not fast, and he was still sat on the line as I turned the corner... *eyeroll*
Friday, 28 December 2012
New Years Fun 'n' Games!
Christmas is over and now New Years is fast approaching with all it's fun and frolics. So what are we all doing for it? There are a few exciting options -
1) A pub/club.
With this choice you get to pay a fuckload to walk into a premise that you can walk into every other day of the year without paying an additional penny, fun no? Then of course you have the overpriced "New Years cocktails", also known as a vodka and cranberry because IT'S NEW YEARS! Then you fork out three times going price for a glass (if you're lucky) or more likely a bottle of crappy fizz, I refuse to call this shite champagne, to toast the midnight hour. The music is loud, and invariably cheesy and crap, and most often DJ'd by some jumped up little twerp who has been legally allowed to drink for about the last five minutes... So expect a lovely little combo mix of songs that were released last week, because he's "current", and baaaad eighties trash (not the good stuff unfortunately) because he's "retro"... All in all it'll be a largely overpriced evening punctuated with bad entertainment and even worse company. But hey, you bought a ticket, so at least it's exclusive!!
2) House Party
Everyone is broke or refuses to pay up for tickets, so a house party seems the way to go. All the guests bring a little something, the host/ess lays on some food, and there are invariably some "funny" party games to be played. When I say funny, it usually IS with the best intentions meant be be funny, but is still most often shit... Or there's always the theme party, now aren't they just hysterical!! ;)
The music is even more dangerous at these gatherings, because you know whoever set up the playlist has spent weeks working on it, but most of it is to their taste and no one else's! Or you could go for the safer option of playing MTV in the background at the risk that the channel will be playing kak and people now think you're inherently lazy because you couldn't be bothered to actually write a playlist, no matter how shit it would've been!
And these nights end one way, people slowly drift off until you have the "hardcore" (read bored) remaining few who continue to drink until the sun comes up and they pass out in various poses around the house. Classy yeah?
3) Stay In Solo/Paired
You don't want to or can't go out, nor do you want people invading your home, so you decide to spend the evening in. After all, it's just one night.
Nothing says rock n roll quite so eloquently as a quiet night in on New Years Eve. Maybe you have a nice meal, a few nice drinks, you see in the midnight stroke either on your own or with your significant other before you quietly finish your drink and head for bed.
This largely means you're getting old, or you have no friends. It's not a good look for anyone, bearing in mind the last time you spent NYE home alone was when you were about fourteen... Next year maybe you should work on your social life?
So there you have it, your exciting three main options for the overhyped crapfest that is New Years. None of them are exactly perfection personified, and yet none of them are quite so rubbish that you don't try it all over again next year. So make your choice, and accept your fate. Happy 2013 everyone, may you enjoy the last night of 2012 in hopefully acceptable style! Cheers! :)
1) A pub/club.
With this choice you get to pay a fuckload to walk into a premise that you can walk into every other day of the year without paying an additional penny, fun no? Then of course you have the overpriced "New Years cocktails", also known as a vodka and cranberry because IT'S NEW YEARS! Then you fork out three times going price for a glass (if you're lucky) or more likely a bottle of crappy fizz, I refuse to call this shite champagne, to toast the midnight hour. The music is loud, and invariably cheesy and crap, and most often DJ'd by some jumped up little twerp who has been legally allowed to drink for about the last five minutes... So expect a lovely little combo mix of songs that were released last week, because he's "current", and baaaad eighties trash (not the good stuff unfortunately) because he's "retro"... All in all it'll be a largely overpriced evening punctuated with bad entertainment and even worse company. But hey, you bought a ticket, so at least it's exclusive!!
2) House Party
Everyone is broke or refuses to pay up for tickets, so a house party seems the way to go. All the guests bring a little something, the host/ess lays on some food, and there are invariably some "funny" party games to be played. When I say funny, it usually IS with the best intentions meant be be funny, but is still most often shit... Or there's always the theme party, now aren't they just hysterical!! ;)
The music is even more dangerous at these gatherings, because you know whoever set up the playlist has spent weeks working on it, but most of it is to their taste and no one else's! Or you could go for the safer option of playing MTV in the background at the risk that the channel will be playing kak and people now think you're inherently lazy because you couldn't be bothered to actually write a playlist, no matter how shit it would've been!
And these nights end one way, people slowly drift off until you have the "hardcore" (read bored) remaining few who continue to drink until the sun comes up and they pass out in various poses around the house. Classy yeah?
3) Stay In Solo/Paired
You don't want to or can't go out, nor do you want people invading your home, so you decide to spend the evening in. After all, it's just one night.
Nothing says rock n roll quite so eloquently as a quiet night in on New Years Eve. Maybe you have a nice meal, a few nice drinks, you see in the midnight stroke either on your own or with your significant other before you quietly finish your drink and head for bed.
This largely means you're getting old, or you have no friends. It's not a good look for anyone, bearing in mind the last time you spent NYE home alone was when you were about fourteen... Next year maybe you should work on your social life?
So there you have it, your exciting three main options for the overhyped crapfest that is New Years. None of them are exactly perfection personified, and yet none of them are quite so rubbish that you don't try it all over again next year. So make your choice, and accept your fate. Happy 2013 everyone, may you enjoy the last night of 2012 in hopefully acceptable style! Cheers! :)
Sunday, 23 December 2012
Seriously You Doomsday Freaks?!
So now apparently people have had it wrong for years, the Mayans predicted the end of the world on Christmas Eve... Oh are you having a fucking laugh?! Clutching at straws much freaks?
No matter how many times they are proved wrong these crazies are going to constantly come up with another date when the world will end. I know one day it will, it has to eventually, BUT pleeeeease can it not be on any date they say because I really don't want them to have even a moment of "See? We were right!" That would just be the second moment fucking annoying thing, the first obviously being the end of the world...! And annoying being a very mild reaction to it! Lol!!
It's a bit like the prophecies of Nostradamus, apparently they tie in to the events of September 11th. Not being funny but years and years later something was going to eventually happen that matched to roughly what he predicted, kind of handy he didn't mention a timeframe isn't it?! You can make anything fit a prophecy given enough time and artistic license.
So let me state this simply. The world DIDN'T end on December 21st, it WON'T end on December 24th and unless someone hands me a prophecy with a specific date and it happens on that date no one is EVER going to convince me of the power of prophecy. Obviously I'm open to being proved wrong, but let's face it, how likely is it really?
But if the world does end can we please start with the Westboro Baptist Church, because in all reality, they are the most deserving. Scarily they agree, so maybe we could just lie, set a lot of fires and get rid of them? They'd never know it was fake... ;)
No matter how many times they are proved wrong these crazies are going to constantly come up with another date when the world will end. I know one day it will, it has to eventually, BUT pleeeeease can it not be on any date they say because I really don't want them to have even a moment of "See? We were right!" That would just be the second moment fucking annoying thing, the first obviously being the end of the world...! And annoying being a very mild reaction to it! Lol!!
It's a bit like the prophecies of Nostradamus, apparently they tie in to the events of September 11th. Not being funny but years and years later something was going to eventually happen that matched to roughly what he predicted, kind of handy he didn't mention a timeframe isn't it?! You can make anything fit a prophecy given enough time and artistic license.
So let me state this simply. The world DIDN'T end on December 21st, it WON'T end on December 24th and unless someone hands me a prophecy with a specific date and it happens on that date no one is EVER going to convince me of the power of prophecy. Obviously I'm open to being proved wrong, but let's face it, how likely is it really?
But if the world does end can we please start with the Westboro Baptist Church, because in all reality, they are the most deserving. Scarily they agree, so maybe we could just lie, set a lot of fires and get rid of them? They'd never know it was fake... ;)
Christmas Ranticles
Almost time for the Christmas sales to begin, but this year apparently it's controversial... How can you have a controversial sale I hear you ask? Well apparently a few of the big name stores are starting their sales online on Christmas Day. Um, so what...? It's annoyed the church, they're concerned it'll take away from the true meaning of Christmas... What, presents? That's the meaning of Christmas these days isn't it? Yeah I think we'll still be happily opening presents. Ooooooh you mean the whole "birth of Christ" bit? Who wasn't born on Christmas, didn't die at Christmas, in fact NOTHING happened to him at Christmas! The only reason Christmas Day was chosen as a religious holiday in the Christian calendar is because it was the date of a pagan celebration, so using the same date made it easier to sway pagans to a new way of thinking! So we're actually getting pissed all day Tuesday because of the Druids, nice one robey boys! ;)
So it's about presents, granted not to all, but to a lot of people. Presents, way too much food, and way too much booze. And on the subject of presents, bloody hell how much do people spend on their kids?! One friend told me her SEVEN YEAR OLD's list to Santa included an iPod, iPad, and a PS3!! Now I know myself and my brother were spoilt at Christmas but my memory was one big present (which was usually a big Lego set for me) and then loads of little things. I can't remember them ever spending the amount of money (with inflation taken into consideration before anyone says it) that people do now! I doubt I would've even asked for that much expensive stuff! Maybe I did and I can't remember, but I'm pretty sure my parents would've just laughed!
And don't even get me started on that steaming pile of crap that is "NORAD". I mean seriously, are people retarded that they sit watching this?! I get it if you have little kids but the amount of people who don't even have children that I know watch this is bloody ridiculous!! Who actually believes, regardless of age, that those videos are real?! The guy looks like a freaky Grinch version of Homer Simpson as Santa! It's more creepy than it is cute!
My stepson is eleven, he still believes in Santa, personally I think that's weird but hey I'm not going to be the one who tells him it's bollocks. Hmm, hope he doesn't get his hands on my blog...! ;)
So it's about presents, granted not to all, but to a lot of people. Presents, way too much food, and way too much booze. And on the subject of presents, bloody hell how much do people spend on their kids?! One friend told me her SEVEN YEAR OLD's list to Santa included an iPod, iPad, and a PS3!! Now I know myself and my brother were spoilt at Christmas but my memory was one big present (which was usually a big Lego set for me) and then loads of little things. I can't remember them ever spending the amount of money (with inflation taken into consideration before anyone says it) that people do now! I doubt I would've even asked for that much expensive stuff! Maybe I did and I can't remember, but I'm pretty sure my parents would've just laughed!
And don't even get me started on that steaming pile of crap that is "NORAD". I mean seriously, are people retarded that they sit watching this?! I get it if you have little kids but the amount of people who don't even have children that I know watch this is bloody ridiculous!! Who actually believes, regardless of age, that those videos are real?! The guy looks like a freaky Grinch version of Homer Simpson as Santa! It's more creepy than it is cute!
My stepson is eleven, he still believes in Santa, personally I think that's weird but hey I'm not going to be the one who tells him it's bollocks. Hmm, hope he doesn't get his hands on my blog...! ;)
Saturday, 22 December 2012
Pre Xmas Pub Numpties
Seeing as I'm not working at the moment I've gone back to doing some bar shifts as it a) helps out the friends who run a pub and b) gets me a few wine tokens and stops me drinking my redundancy. ;)
Last night I was behind the bar for what police call Black Friday and what I call Fucked Up Friday. For those who don't know the drill, the last Friday before Christmas is always a total pissed up moronfest! To be honest, where I work we don't get any real trouble but that doesn't make us immune to idiots. So lovely people, here's the stuff you can do to make it onto my Christmas Pub Sinners list...
1) Complain about waiting five minutes to be served at a bar that is several deep and behind which both bar staff are run off their feet. Feel free to get annoyed with us if we're stood about doing nothing but when we haven't stopped in several hours we're hardly slacking, we're just fucking busy okay?!
2) Come up with stupid "I'm special" type requests. It's not unusual for pubs to shut the door at a certain time and stop letting new customers in. Last night we locked the doors at eleven, not exactly early. So when someone bangs on the door and I go over and tell them I'm sorry but it's no access after eleven, you bellowing over my shoulder "Oh let them in, they're friends of mine!!" does not matter a damn to me. They could be fucking royalty but if they turn up past the time we've locked the doors that's just too damn bad!
Oh and "we come here every Friday" doesn't cut it either!
3) Decide in your infinite wisdom to start smoking weed outside our front door. Guess what? I catch you, you're gone. No excuses, no explanations, done. Got it?!
4) Start talking to the staff like they're morons. One guy last night started shouting abuse at one of the other girls I was working with. Anyone wanna guess how many more drinks he had with us? Yep, jackus shittus as the Roman publicans likely said...! We're here to serve your drinks, not take your alcohol fuelled bullshit, and we won't take it either. Or at least no one working will be taking that crap when I'm also behind the bar!
5) Get your friends to physically hold you up because you're too drunk to stand, and then try to order another drink. Do I really need to explain why this one is a no?
6) Shout at us because we don't sell cigarettes. We. Don't. Sell. Fags. Do some fucking planning and go to a fucking shop BEFORE coming out to the pub. Dick!
7) Become deaf when you're told it's drinking up time. You will lose your drink, people learnt this little lesson last night. Well done douchecanoes, that was a waste of money! We stop serving at one, half an hour is not an "unreasonably short" time to finish what's in front of you really is it? Tell you what, remember all those boasts that you can "down a pint in ten seconds"? Prove it...
8) Not take the hint when cracking onto a barmaid. I don't wear a wedding ring for a laugh, I wear it because I'm married. And funnily enough some weedy eighteen year old drunken twat is unlikely to convince me to forego my wedding vows. And when I say "unlikely" I mean NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!!! Got it? Good!
So yeah, a little thought goes a long way, and stops us laughing at you. Give it a try!
Last night I was behind the bar for what police call Black Friday and what I call Fucked Up Friday. For those who don't know the drill, the last Friday before Christmas is always a total pissed up moronfest! To be honest, where I work we don't get any real trouble but that doesn't make us immune to idiots. So lovely people, here's the stuff you can do to make it onto my Christmas Pub Sinners list...
1) Complain about waiting five minutes to be served at a bar that is several deep and behind which both bar staff are run off their feet. Feel free to get annoyed with us if we're stood about doing nothing but when we haven't stopped in several hours we're hardly slacking, we're just fucking busy okay?!
2) Come up with stupid "I'm special" type requests. It's not unusual for pubs to shut the door at a certain time and stop letting new customers in. Last night we locked the doors at eleven, not exactly early. So when someone bangs on the door and I go over and tell them I'm sorry but it's no access after eleven, you bellowing over my shoulder "Oh let them in, they're friends of mine!!" does not matter a damn to me. They could be fucking royalty but if they turn up past the time we've locked the doors that's just too damn bad!
Oh and "we come here every Friday" doesn't cut it either!
3) Decide in your infinite wisdom to start smoking weed outside our front door. Guess what? I catch you, you're gone. No excuses, no explanations, done. Got it?!
4) Start talking to the staff like they're morons. One guy last night started shouting abuse at one of the other girls I was working with. Anyone wanna guess how many more drinks he had with us? Yep, jackus shittus as the Roman publicans likely said...! We're here to serve your drinks, not take your alcohol fuelled bullshit, and we won't take it either. Or at least no one working will be taking that crap when I'm also behind the bar!
5) Get your friends to physically hold you up because you're too drunk to stand, and then try to order another drink. Do I really need to explain why this one is a no?
6) Shout at us because we don't sell cigarettes. We. Don't. Sell. Fags. Do some fucking planning and go to a fucking shop BEFORE coming out to the pub. Dick!
7) Become deaf when you're told it's drinking up time. You will lose your drink, people learnt this little lesson last night. Well done douchecanoes, that was a waste of money! We stop serving at one, half an hour is not an "unreasonably short" time to finish what's in front of you really is it? Tell you what, remember all those boasts that you can "down a pint in ten seconds"? Prove it...
8) Not take the hint when cracking onto a barmaid. I don't wear a wedding ring for a laugh, I wear it because I'm married. And funnily enough some weedy eighteen year old drunken twat is unlikely to convince me to forego my wedding vows. And when I say "unlikely" I mean NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!!! Got it? Good!
So yeah, a little thought goes a long way, and stops us laughing at you. Give it a try!
Friday, 21 December 2012
Go Clean Out The Car Kid...
I'm all for kids doing chores, that was how I earned pocket money when I was at home, and I think teaching kids that everything doesn't just get handed to them on a plate is a good thing, but I also believe you should pick them carefully, and sometimes they're not the best idea.
After my craptastic drive over to my mate's I was treated to a bit of amusement outside to lighten my mood. I was getting ready to leave and was in his kitchen when I happened to look out of the window. Below us, parked in front of my car was the neighbour's car with all the doors open and their son was cleaning it out and hoovering it. Great idea I thought until I looked closer, and realised there were empty wine bottles scattered all around the car... WTF?! Two things spring to mind people -
1) What the hell has been going on in your car for there to be that many empty wine bottles that need clearing out of it?!
2) What the hell is your kid thinking? "Today I learnt that mummy and daddy are raging alcoholics... Yaaaaay, I learnt something today!!"
Seriously what the feck goes through some people's minds?! I'm certainly not averse to a glass of wine or six, and I've been known to be the designated driver who before we have an end of evening drink runs to the shops to pick up a few bottles of wine. But we, without fail, bring the wine INSIDE to drink it!!
I think the next door neighbours have some issues... ;)
After my craptastic drive over to my mate's I was treated to a bit of amusement outside to lighten my mood. I was getting ready to leave and was in his kitchen when I happened to look out of the window. Below us, parked in front of my car was the neighbour's car with all the doors open and their son was cleaning it out and hoovering it. Great idea I thought until I looked closer, and realised there were empty wine bottles scattered all around the car... WTF?! Two things spring to mind people -
1) What the hell has been going on in your car for there to be that many empty wine bottles that need clearing out of it?!
2) What the hell is your kid thinking? "Today I learnt that mummy and daddy are raging alcoholics... Yaaaaay, I learnt something today!!"
Seriously what the feck goes through some people's minds?! I'm certainly not averse to a glass of wine or six, and I've been known to be the designated driver who before we have an end of evening drink runs to the shops to pick up a few bottles of wine. But we, without fail, bring the wine INSIDE to drink it!!
I think the next door neighbours have some issues... ;)
Driving Me Round The Sodding Twist!!!
Sooooo, when I decided to not go back to work this year and do my book instead one of my first thoughts was I would get a break from the rampant stupidity displayed every day on the tube, but what I forgot to take into consideration was I would be leaving myself open to the abject stupidity of other people's lives, namely their epic driving skills...
Now today my father in law kindly offered to take the school run off my hands, thereby giving me time to do my own thing and get some writing done, very much appreciated! One thing I did need to do was get my arse round to my friend's place to pick up my portion of our order for oils n' stuff for our wonderful smoking gizmos. No problem, all I had to do was drop by a cash point and then drive the two miles to his, nice and easy yeah? NO! It took me twenty bloody minutes to do a three minute drive!!!
Firstly, the cashpoint stop. There is one right by my mum's so the cunning plan was out of my road, thirty seconds to hers and pick up cash, plus it's on the way. I didn't even make it out of my road before epic stupidity reared it's butt ugly head. There are two lanes to get out of my road, one for left and straight on, one for right, pretty simple. Until some utter dickshit pulls up on the left, no problem so far, but leaves the car's back end sticking so far out it's not so much "parked" as it is ABANDONED!!!! Blocked the whole left lane and it took ages for everyone to creepy past in the right, dickhead!! And he was a taxi driver, even more annoying then! I've attached a pic for sharing of stupidity factor! Aaaargh!
Well I finally got past him, sailed through to my mum's and whacked the car into her parking space, ran to bank and shop and was on my way once more with no issue. "Great," thinks I, "I've left the idiots behind me." Oh no, stupid stupid thing to think, hello jinx you little shit!!
As I drove up to said mates I decided to have a giggle and had decided when I got there I would start shouting through his letterbox that I was there to pick up "the goods" and leave his neighbours thinking he was a drug dealer. Might not sound funny to all, but he would've seen the comedy so all good. ;)
Decided to take the back roads, quieter I figured, until I realised that there's a school on the way and it was school run time... Balls! I figured it'd be slow, but I no idea! I crawled my way past, being considerate and trying to force back the thoughts of carnage at the planks quite happily leading their children through moving traffic. Maybe they'd not bought the Christmas presents yet and figured if they got their kids run over it would save them some money...
Anyway, got to a point where the traffic just ground to a halt, and I don't mean for a minute, I didn't move for like ten minutes!! People were turning round behind me, but as I was about fifty feet from the turning I needed I was determined to stay the course! Finally we got moving and I found out why we had been stuck there for so long. Some twatty fuckstick had PARKED his farkin' BMW in the middle of the road while he walked down to meet his kids at the school gate! No, you didn't read that wrong. Parked, middle of road, twat!!
The school in question has a pretty crap reputation, but now I've worked out the kids aren't at fault at all. If that is the general level of logic applied by the parents how can those kids learn any sort of common sense!!! I mean seriously?! I thought them double width parking outside the gates was bad but at least those ones left one line open for traffic!
THEN he had the fucking gall to start swearing at the people who'd been gridlocked waiting for him as if we were being unreasonable for looking ever so slightly (or in my case monumentally) hacked off at his behaviour. Dude, your kid is screwed! The only actual "looking up" that kid could possibly do towards his dad will likely end the day he's no longer taller than him! Or at least I hope so, or the future is fucked!
Needless to say by the time I did actually get where I was going I was in no mood for puckish behaviour and instead poor mate had to listen to me rant for about five minutes over how retarded the drivers in this town are! Next time sod it, I'm going to pretend I'm live playing Grand Theft Auto and I'm mowing the freaks down!! I can't be the only person who'd have been happy if someone had stolen his bloody Beamer!
Oh tube morons, I miss you!! :/
Now today my father in law kindly offered to take the school run off my hands, thereby giving me time to do my own thing and get some writing done, very much appreciated! One thing I did need to do was get my arse round to my friend's place to pick up my portion of our order for oils n' stuff for our wonderful smoking gizmos. No problem, all I had to do was drop by a cash point and then drive the two miles to his, nice and easy yeah? NO! It took me twenty bloody minutes to do a three minute drive!!!
Firstly, the cashpoint stop. There is one right by my mum's so the cunning plan was out of my road, thirty seconds to hers and pick up cash, plus it's on the way. I didn't even make it out of my road before epic stupidity reared it's butt ugly head. There are two lanes to get out of my road, one for left and straight on, one for right, pretty simple. Until some utter dickshit pulls up on the left, no problem so far, but leaves the car's back end sticking so far out it's not so much "parked" as it is ABANDONED!!!! Blocked the whole left lane and it took ages for everyone to creepy past in the right, dickhead!! And he was a taxi driver, even more annoying then! I've attached a pic for sharing of stupidity factor! Aaaargh!
Well I finally got past him, sailed through to my mum's and whacked the car into her parking space, ran to bank and shop and was on my way once more with no issue. "Great," thinks I, "I've left the idiots behind me." Oh no, stupid stupid thing to think, hello jinx you little shit!!
As I drove up to said mates I decided to have a giggle and had decided when I got there I would start shouting through his letterbox that I was there to pick up "the goods" and leave his neighbours thinking he was a drug dealer. Might not sound funny to all, but he would've seen the comedy so all good. ;)
Decided to take the back roads, quieter I figured, until I realised that there's a school on the way and it was school run time... Balls! I figured it'd be slow, but I no idea! I crawled my way past, being considerate and trying to force back the thoughts of carnage at the planks quite happily leading their children through moving traffic. Maybe they'd not bought the Christmas presents yet and figured if they got their kids run over it would save them some money...
Anyway, got to a point where the traffic just ground to a halt, and I don't mean for a minute, I didn't move for like ten minutes!! People were turning round behind me, but as I was about fifty feet from the turning I needed I was determined to stay the course! Finally we got moving and I found out why we had been stuck there for so long. Some twatty fuckstick had PARKED his farkin' BMW in the middle of the road while he walked down to meet his kids at the school gate! No, you didn't read that wrong. Parked, middle of road, twat!!
The school in question has a pretty crap reputation, but now I've worked out the kids aren't at fault at all. If that is the general level of logic applied by the parents how can those kids learn any sort of common sense!!! I mean seriously?! I thought them double width parking outside the gates was bad but at least those ones left one line open for traffic!
THEN he had the fucking gall to start swearing at the people who'd been gridlocked waiting for him as if we were being unreasonable for looking ever so slightly (or in my case monumentally) hacked off at his behaviour. Dude, your kid is screwed! The only actual "looking up" that kid could possibly do towards his dad will likely end the day he's no longer taller than him! Or at least I hope so, or the future is fucked!
Needless to say by the time I did actually get where I was going I was in no mood for puckish behaviour and instead poor mate had to listen to me rant for about five minutes over how retarded the drivers in this town are! Next time sod it, I'm going to pretend I'm live playing Grand Theft Auto and I'm mowing the freaks down!! I can't be the only person who'd have been happy if someone had stolen his bloody Beamer!
Oh tube morons, I miss you!! :/
Thursday, 20 December 2012
Confessions Of A Vapist...
Last year I wrote about my decision to quit smoking, and I think my continued contribution into the pockets of the makers of Camel cigarettes proved that my efforts were somewhat failing... My husband's steadfast dedication to his nicotine fix certainly didn't help either, add a few glasses of wine and the answer to "Are you coming for a smoke?" annoyingly becomes a swift affirmative. Or at least it used to...
One of my best friends discovered something a few months ago, an e-cigarette known as the Odyssey. This little (and when I say little it is with a huge dose of tongue in cheek, it being one of the heftiest fake cigarettes I've ever seen) gizmo combines flavoured oil with a touch of nicotine and you're basically smoking water vapour once the battery is applied and the burner heats the oil.
Well I figured anything that could change someone from smoking a twenty deck a day, scarily at a cost of about £250 a month, to using just this Odyssey at about £35 a month for oils was worth a punt. So I bit the bullet and logged on to order one.
The next day my package of new "smoking" paraphernalia turned up and I excitedly tore into the box and put the Odyssey together. It takes five to ten minutes to prime the cartomizer which is where the oil burns and produces the steam, but other than that it's pretty quick to assemble. It also comes with two rechargeable batteries which is brilliant because otherwise you'd have to buy so many it would become ridiculously expensive! So anyway, it's all assembled, and I've primed and filled it with my oil of choice, I went for cherry which actually tastes like cherry drops for those my age, cherry lips for anyone younger... ;) Well, thought I, time to give it a try!
This is when I hit my little gripe at the Odyssey. Rechargeable batteries are brilliant, until you realise that you can't use any other batteries in it and the ones they send you arrive without any charge... So having bought and assembled your new toy, you can't use it for at least four hours wile the batteries charge. I think I gave up after three hours and put a partially charged one in there which was fine but still kind of annoying. For me it didn't make much a difference, I didn't smoke many a day at that point but for someone who does smoke heavily they probably end up doing five or six cigarettes while waiting to be able to quit smoking... Lol!!
This hurdle overcome I started on the Odyssey proper, and I'll tell you what, it's lovely! The flavours in the oils don't taste horribly chemical, they're actually very pleasant, although obviously some experimenting is needed to find the right flavour. Within a week I was a little sick of the cherry flavouring, but this might also have something to do with the cartomizer, as the original set comes with a single coil cartomizer which burns oil quite unevenly, burns it fast so you get through a lot of it initially and is also prone to flooding which means you end up with a touch of warm oil in your mouth; not pleasant I assure you!
At this point I'd probably had one cigarette in the week I'd been using the Odyssey, so it was working but the issues I was having and the amount of oil I was using was starting to put me off. On the advice of the friend who'd originally put me onto this path I ordered some dual coil cartomizers along with some new oil, this time I decided to try coconut.
Although I should've had them the next day it took a couple to turn up, though I would say that was due to Royal Mail's issue and not the company I ordered from. Once installed, primed and coconut'd I gave it another try. What a difference!!! The coconut was a nicer taste, to me anyway, the dual coil was much more efficient and gave me a smoother flavour as well as burning at a better rate. One pot of oil lasted me about a week with the initial combo of single coil and cherry, on the dual coil with the coconut it's lasted me three...!
So, now I've been using the Odyssey for four weeks basically, during which time I've not bought any cigarettes, I've still got five or six in the box I bought over a month ago sat in the living room, and I've had maybe four cigarettes at the pub. Two things with the ones I have had though -
1) I have only smoked cigarettes when I've run out of batteries so can't use the Odyssey.
2) The cigarettes I've had since moving off them? Tasted fucking vile!!!! Seriously how did I manage puffing on like five or ten of those things a day?! Bleugh!
So personally I'm sold, no smoke or tar, and you can choose the level of nicotine from 0 to 32mg per pot of oil. So if, like me, your addiction is more about the physical smoking rather than the nicotine it's perfect! At the moment I'm using the 8mg nicotine setting, it's the lowest one, but I think in a couple of weeks I'll just drop it down to 0mg.
So I think I can pretty much now say I don't smoke, I vape. Ladies and gentleman, I am a vapist!
Check it out for yourself those of you who smoke, you never know, you might like it!
www.totallywicked-eliquid.co.uk
One of my best friends discovered something a few months ago, an e-cigarette known as the Odyssey. This little (and when I say little it is with a huge dose of tongue in cheek, it being one of the heftiest fake cigarettes I've ever seen) gizmo combines flavoured oil with a touch of nicotine and you're basically smoking water vapour once the battery is applied and the burner heats the oil.
Well I figured anything that could change someone from smoking a twenty deck a day, scarily at a cost of about £250 a month, to using just this Odyssey at about £35 a month for oils was worth a punt. So I bit the bullet and logged on to order one.
The next day my package of new "smoking" paraphernalia turned up and I excitedly tore into the box and put the Odyssey together. It takes five to ten minutes to prime the cartomizer which is where the oil burns and produces the steam, but other than that it's pretty quick to assemble. It also comes with two rechargeable batteries which is brilliant because otherwise you'd have to buy so many it would become ridiculously expensive! So anyway, it's all assembled, and I've primed and filled it with my oil of choice, I went for cherry which actually tastes like cherry drops for those my age, cherry lips for anyone younger... ;) Well, thought I, time to give it a try!
This is when I hit my little gripe at the Odyssey. Rechargeable batteries are brilliant, until you realise that you can't use any other batteries in it and the ones they send you arrive without any charge... So having bought and assembled your new toy, you can't use it for at least four hours wile the batteries charge. I think I gave up after three hours and put a partially charged one in there which was fine but still kind of annoying. For me it didn't make much a difference, I didn't smoke many a day at that point but for someone who does smoke heavily they probably end up doing five or six cigarettes while waiting to be able to quit smoking... Lol!!
This hurdle overcome I started on the Odyssey proper, and I'll tell you what, it's lovely! The flavours in the oils don't taste horribly chemical, they're actually very pleasant, although obviously some experimenting is needed to find the right flavour. Within a week I was a little sick of the cherry flavouring, but this might also have something to do with the cartomizer, as the original set comes with a single coil cartomizer which burns oil quite unevenly, burns it fast so you get through a lot of it initially and is also prone to flooding which means you end up with a touch of warm oil in your mouth; not pleasant I assure you!
At this point I'd probably had one cigarette in the week I'd been using the Odyssey, so it was working but the issues I was having and the amount of oil I was using was starting to put me off. On the advice of the friend who'd originally put me onto this path I ordered some dual coil cartomizers along with some new oil, this time I decided to try coconut.
Although I should've had them the next day it took a couple to turn up, though I would say that was due to Royal Mail's issue and not the company I ordered from. Once installed, primed and coconut'd I gave it another try. What a difference!!! The coconut was a nicer taste, to me anyway, the dual coil was much more efficient and gave me a smoother flavour as well as burning at a better rate. One pot of oil lasted me about a week with the initial combo of single coil and cherry, on the dual coil with the coconut it's lasted me three...!
So, now I've been using the Odyssey for four weeks basically, during which time I've not bought any cigarettes, I've still got five or six in the box I bought over a month ago sat in the living room, and I've had maybe four cigarettes at the pub. Two things with the ones I have had though -
1) I have only smoked cigarettes when I've run out of batteries so can't use the Odyssey.
2) The cigarettes I've had since moving off them? Tasted fucking vile!!!! Seriously how did I manage puffing on like five or ten of those things a day?! Bleugh!
So personally I'm sold, no smoke or tar, and you can choose the level of nicotine from 0 to 32mg per pot of oil. So if, like me, your addiction is more about the physical smoking rather than the nicotine it's perfect! At the moment I'm using the 8mg nicotine setting, it's the lowest one, but I think in a couple of weeks I'll just drop it down to 0mg.
So I think I can pretty much now say I don't smoke, I vape. Ladies and gentleman, I am a vapist!
Check it out for yourself those of you who smoke, you never know, you might like it!
www.totallywicked-eliquid.co.uk
Tuesday, 30 October 2012
mPads
Sooooo, MPs are to be given iPads at the cost of the taxpayer...? Really?! Explain this to me Mr Cameron.
I have recently obtained a shiny iPad 3 for myself. Note please Mr PM that I not only sourced this FOR myself but also BY myself. I have recently been made redundant and decided to spend part of my severance package on an iPad. I'm very glad I have, I love it to bits, it's great fun and it also provided my hubby with huge amusement when the same day I got it he managed to get a photo of me crashed out on the sofa that night hugging it... I probably should be embarrassed but you know what? It's that much fun that I'm not! ;)
So I entirely understand wanting one of these fab devices, in fact I'm typing this post on it. I don't, however, understand why MPs require one of these to do their jobs.
The government logic apparently is that they're offsetting the cost by making the recipients return PCs or laptops, but to be fair this wont actually help at all. iPads, or at least the new ones, cost at least four hundred pounds. Second hand laptops don't do anywhere near as well, in my experience. Plus iPads can't do flash players or Microsoft Office. So exactly what benefit is being gained from them? Or is it, as I'm more inclined to believe, that the MPs just want the pretty new toys to play with...?
So, they can afford this ridiculous luxury for the members of our illustrious parliament, but we can't afford to adequately equip our "armed" forces who go out and risk life and limb...?
I may not be the only voice in this country but I'd like to stand up and be counted as one of those who will happily say this frivolity is insane when there are genuinely good ways to spend this money. Rather than paying for our MPs to play Angry Birds on a big screen...
Though I'll admit it's fun, I paid for the privilege myself, so I'm allowed to giggle like a loony at the experience... ;)
Maybe they should think about doing the same?
I have recently obtained a shiny iPad 3 for myself. Note please Mr PM that I not only sourced this FOR myself but also BY myself. I have recently been made redundant and decided to spend part of my severance package on an iPad. I'm very glad I have, I love it to bits, it's great fun and it also provided my hubby with huge amusement when the same day I got it he managed to get a photo of me crashed out on the sofa that night hugging it... I probably should be embarrassed but you know what? It's that much fun that I'm not! ;)
So I entirely understand wanting one of these fab devices, in fact I'm typing this post on it. I don't, however, understand why MPs require one of these to do their jobs.
The government logic apparently is that they're offsetting the cost by making the recipients return PCs or laptops, but to be fair this wont actually help at all. iPads, or at least the new ones, cost at least four hundred pounds. Second hand laptops don't do anywhere near as well, in my experience. Plus iPads can't do flash players or Microsoft Office. So exactly what benefit is being gained from them? Or is it, as I'm more inclined to believe, that the MPs just want the pretty new toys to play with...?
So, they can afford this ridiculous luxury for the members of our illustrious parliament, but we can't afford to adequately equip our "armed" forces who go out and risk life and limb...?
I may not be the only voice in this country but I'd like to stand up and be counted as one of those who will happily say this frivolity is insane when there are genuinely good ways to spend this money. Rather than paying for our MPs to play Angry Birds on a big screen...
Though I'll admit it's fun, I paid for the privilege myself, so I'm allowed to giggle like a loony at the experience... ;)
Maybe they should think about doing the same?
Monday, 15 October 2012
Drifters
Traversing as I do through three separate train stations every day I have found out several things: -
1. I am nowhere near as patient and tolerant of idiots as I thought I was.
2. A lot of people who use trains and tubes are, regrettably, idiots.
3. It’s practically a guarantee that the women snarking at me and my trainers in the mornings are invariably the women scowling at me and my trainers as I walk home comfortably and they’re crippled in their stiletto heels.
4. You will, every day without fail, encounter drifters.
No I don’t mean these packets of chocolaty goodness...
I mean the people who for no reason feel the need to drift from side to side whilst walking through the stations directly into your path, or at the very least force you further and further over until you’re practically climbing the wall you are now plastered to!
Now maybe I’m being harsh, but I’m thinking when you learnt to walk, you also learnt to walk in a straight line? I mean how the every living fuck would these people so much as pass a sobriety test?! How the hell do they manage to drive cars? Or do they drift from lane to lane on the motorway as well?
Not only are these people the bane of my “I quite like walking fast” existence but they also seem to default to a setting where they drift in front of you, and then slow down! Aaaaaaargh, seriously people?!
It’s really very simple. You are going from A to B, the sensible idea would be to travel between these two points in a straight line thereby minimising the time it takes to arrive at point B, and also the amount of energy required for said traveling. So walking in some numpty, idiot, ziggy zaggy, wibbly wobbly route serves to benefit exactly… um… NO ONE!!!!! Stop it!
There is the possibility that I’m being unfair, that all of these people actually suffer from a so far undiagnosed illness which means it is entirely inconceivable for them to walk in a straight line.
Okay, it’s possible. But let’s face it, it’s pretty bloody unlikely; which leaves us with one of two possible hypotheses. The first is that they have an amazing craptastic sense of balance which makes them swerve from side to side without realising that they are, in fact, walking in a manner similar to drunk people. Or two, they’re actually doing it on purpose.
Okay, I can be a little cynical, but I’m convinced they’re doing it to royally piss me off. I cannot seriously believe that this many people every single day walk like this without knowing they’re doing it! So it is just me, or is it other people finding this too? I am seriously debating starting to wear jackets with spikes on the elbow, maybe then they’ll learn to walk properly…!!!
Something like that perhaps...?
;)
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
Times, They Are A Changing...
After my previous company related Facebook status I can confirm I am one of those being made redundant. This will have two noticeable effects on Confined Sinners.
1) I will have a lot more time to write my blogs.
2) I will have a lot less ammo with which to write about...
Hmm, well let's see. I mean I have branched out in the past to non commuter thoughts, so this will give me the opportunity to investigate that avenue of thought more thoroughly. The other thing is I will still be travelling into London for agency meetings and hopefully interviews so travelling at a different time of day could give me a new type of weirdo to talk about... ;)
Silver linings people, onwards and upwards!!
1) I will have a lot more time to write my blogs.
2) I will have a lot less ammo with which to write about...
Hmm, well let's see. I mean I have branched out in the past to non commuter thoughts, so this will give me the opportunity to investigate that avenue of thought more thoroughly. The other thing is I will still be travelling into London for agency meetings and hopefully interviews so travelling at a different time of day could give me a new type of weirdo to talk about... ;)
Silver linings people, onwards and upwards!!
Friday, 31 August 2012
Forgotten Something…?
You all know the situation, you’ve left home, most likely got all the way to work and you suddenly realise what you’ve done… Your mobile, your lifeline to the world as a whole, and depending on the model your games console is sat back at home, abandoned!
Your heart starts to race, sweat slicks your palms as you realise that not only do you have nothing to play with, but NO ONE CAN CONTACT YOU! Oh my god, what the hell do you do now?! If, like me, you work miles from home you certainly can’t go back for it. You know how popular you are and you can just envision the multitude of text messages piling up as people struggle to get in touch. The missed call log will most likely be maxed out already; I mean how many messages can one phone hold?!
And how worried must all the people who can’t get in touch be?! They must think you’re ill, possibly even been hospitalised! Or maybe they’re getting upset because they think you’re ignoring them! I mean it does happen, we’ve all put our phones on silent and forgotten about it. It could be sat in your desk drawer, or your handbag, or your jacket buzzing silently and you’re just choosing to pass up the opportunity to talk to them!
The unending tirade stalks through your mind all day, you can’t relax, you can’t concentrate. All you can think about is the phone sat on your beside table being overrun with contacts that you just can’t hear. It’s a torment, not to mention all the time you’re missing on Angry Birds or some other game addiction. And what are you going to do on your journey home?! I mean it’s alright for you driving commuters who wouldn’t have time to use the phone anyway, but for us poor souls consigned to the long train ride home with no music or anything!!!
Finally, the day finishing and you burst out of the office and race for home. How long will it take you to catch up on all those messages, calls and texts?! The commute seems to last forever but at last it’s over, you’re home and the work can begin. You bolt through the door, panic reaching a crescendo as you search for your missing media appendage. You spot it and dash across the room, snatching it up in one quick manoeuvre, and activate the screen...
Seriously?! Mother fuckers!!! Well I don’t want to damn well talk to you either!!
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