Warning - Sweary Sweary Rant Rant!

I have recently moved office, my new office location means it takes me a little longer to reach my tube station but once there same journey length. So in order to make my regular train I really need to get a shift on. Which is what I did today.

I bolted out of my office like a cat with it's tail on fire and fast walked to the tube, and made bloody good time. Straight onto a tube, wicked. On track to easily make my train, frickin' awesome. Stopped at Embankment, still plenty of time, one stop to go. Just waiting for the doors to shut. So I waited, and waited and got an announcement that there was signal failure, use of alternative routes recommended. Shit!

Okay I can do this, I'm a fast walker and I've only got to get over Hungerford Bridge and over to Waterloo.

To the fucking moron who blocked the escalator leaving the Bakerloo line - Maybe in future at rush hour in London you should move your fat arse out of people's way?! And stopping dead at the top of the exit? Twat!!!!

To the group of people meandering slowly across the bridge eight abreast - Are you mentally fucking retarded?! See all these stressed and pissed off looks you're getting? You deserve every sodding one! Wankers!!!

Slight off topic one to the rushing guy who barged a woman with a pram out of your way on the steps into the station - You're a fucking reprehensible excuse for a human being! What would you feel if someone did that to your wife and child you prick?!

To the group of people blocking half of the Waterloo concourse by walking the speed of a disabled sloth - what the fuck is your problem?! Rush hour? Main London station? Are you stupid, callous or just epic epic assholes?!

All of you dickheads combined led to me getting to the platform just in time to see my train pulling out, and leaving me with half an hour standing around this station waiting for my next train nothing to do but to post this bloody rant! Twunts!!!!

How To Not Get A Drink

There seem to be a large amount of people in this world who seem determined to avoid being served drinks in pubs through the application of some carefully planned and varied techniques. I'm sure you, like them, would like to be able to so skilfully sidestep the danger of actually getting a barmaid to provide alcohol and so I thought I would share their wisdom. 

- Make sure you are talking on your mobile when you walk up to the bar, and make sure you don't say please as well. Oh and if you want to be completely sure of not being served don't bother even speaking, just grunt and point at what you want whilst continuing your conversation on the phone.

- Point out very loudly that you were next while the previous person is still being served. Nothing like obnoxiously assuming the person serving has the attention span of a gnat to get them to skip you and serve the next person, as we do actually know the order people arrived at the bar.

- Wave money at the bartender to let them know you're there. They'll obviously then work out you're a rude jackass and you'll dextrously  dodge that alcohol we serve.

- Make sure you enter the premises in a large group, about twenty should do, and then ask each person repeatedly what they want to drink. By the time you've gotten around to repeating it back to the person serving we've probably got bored of waiting on you and will be serving someone else. Alcohol dodging win!!

- If you do inadvertently start the process of being served a drink, make sure it's a large round and when it's finished order a pint of Guinness. You may have accidentally been served a drink but after a twatish move like that you'll be in no danger of getting a second one!

Follow these simple guidelines and you should have no problem avoiding getting served a drink. And if all else fails just talk to the staff like we're all retarded morons cos that will remove all problems; and also your presence from the establishment...!

Little Wonders

There are some things that just make me smile of a morning commute, and today was a good one to be fair.

- The bus turning up on time for a change.

- The driver of said bus being a really friendly chatty person; given my journey is short I often chat if I've seen them before.

- Rushing to make the closing doors of my train and missing them, but then being called over by the conductor who saw me and held a door open for me (seriously rare and appreciated!).

- Getting my usual seat on the train even though I boarded late which means I'm not squished and can curl up against the wall.

- Realising that I was wrong and I actually did remember my iPod so could sit writing contentedly with my music keeping my foot tapping happily.

- Seeing someone actually get up to offer their seat to a rather pregnant woman without anything needing to be said.

- Seeing the idiot who brought his bike on a train that doesn't allow cycles trip over his own pedals, leading me to laugh out loud and bury my head in my phone pretending I'm laughing at something else...

It doesn't take much to make a commuter's morning a little nicer, definitely a plus when it all comes together.

To Drink Or Not To Drink...

The heavens are conspiring to drive me to drink, seriously. It's currently lamping down with rain whilst I stare disconsolately out of the window of the train. Once I get to my stop I have a twenty minute walk home, in this weather. Or I could go to the pub across the road from the station, about two hundred yards and wait for the rain to stop...

If rain forces you into shelter and that shelter just so happens to serve alcohol it's technically not your fault when you have a drink right? Right...?!

The Next Generation - Oh Hell!

As I've mentioned before I work part time in a pub, it's a nice change of pace to my office and I wouldn't see half the amusing things I do without it! What always leaves me nonplussed however is the attitude when drinking of some parents towards those in their charge and the terrible example they set.

Quite recently while working a weekend evening shift a woman turned up about ten or half past and was followed into the pub by her two children, maybe twelve and six at an estimate. Now our place has a time rule for kids, they've got to be gone by half eight midweek and six on weekends. I quickly pointed that fact out to this woman who informed me it was fine and her kids would wait outside. Nice right?

The two children headed for the beer garden and I had to tell them they weren't allowed and needed to leave, so they went and sat on the top step by the front door. Number one they were now blocking the entrance and number two that's still pub premises. So I went over and asked them to move at which point the girl, the "eldest" of the two, told me to fuck off... Lovely child, but I just told her she had to be off the premises very calmly and was subjected to a tirade of swearing and questions as to where I would let her stand.

Okay change of tack, I went and told the mother, who was happily chucking vodka back, she'd either have to deal with them or leave. She told me they were fine and when told her charming daughter had sworn at me she just laughed and turned back to her drink.

Okay, let's try with the kids again. Told them to move off premises and got another load of verbal abuse off the girl. So I shut the door on her not wanting to hear anymore and she shoved it back open to carry on.

In the end the woman was told to leave and take her bloody offspring with her but remembering it still makes me cringe if this is what future generations are going to be like!

Or in a granny styled moment - We wouldn't have dared acted like that when we were kids!!!

Sad, but true!

Sorry, I'm Only A Girl!!!

The Rugby World Cup is on it's way very soon, and I can't wait! Having watched rugby avidly for a fair few years now, and given that unlike footballers the rugby players look like real men it's safe to say September is a good month for me this year!

BUT I was also recently subjected to that typical stereotype born in the mind of idiots, that women don't understand sport; apparently this is supposedly true for any sport.

Now I'm really not the right person to voice that rubbish to, but apparently the judgemental twerp in the pub completely believed it.

Me - Oh come on, that should've been a try!

Him - Excuse me, do you play rugby?

Me - Um no, why do you ask?

Him - Okay so you don't know what you're talking about then.

Me - Excuse me?! No I don't play rugby but I've been watching it for years and love it. Do you play?

Him - No.

Me - (desperately trying to keep it polite) Then how can you say I know nothing about it when NEITHER of us play it? Oh but my friend I'm with does play.

Him - Yeah but you're a woman.

I should point out at this moment his girlfriend was trying to shut him up and looking exceptionally mortified at his behaviour. He'd obviously had a few pints and was embarrassing her quite a lot. Not long after they got up to leave.

Me - Are you not staying for the second game?

Him - Didn't know there was a second one on.

Me - Oh right, guess I definitely do know more about it than you then...

See I can understand where the stereotype comes from, a lot of women don't like sport so they don't watch it. But what's with the attitude that regardless of whether or not I watch it I can't possibly understand it? Too complex for my poor strained girlie brain? Good thing I didn't tell him I love MotoGP really, don't think his brain would've been able to deal with that!

Women? Liking motorbikes? Oh no no no that simply won't do!

Best get on though, I'm sure I have some ironing to do or I might go crazy exciting and knit something...!!! *eye roll*

London Riots - The True Fails

Between working in London, living just outside London and having friends in the police force I have heard and seen some truly fabulous examples of ineptitude throughout the rioting in London, and I thought it only fair to share...

1. Tottenham Court Road - Looters left a shopping centre untouched and yet smashed around £500 worth of glass windows to gain access to a coffee shop and steal £30 of biscuits. Apparently rioting gives you the munchies...
2. Not sure whereabouts - Looters decided to rob a Ladbrokes by throwing chairs at the windows to smash them. Due to shatter proof glass said chairs bounced off and hit them in the head. Knock some sense into them? Please?!
3. Not sure whereabouts - Guy poses with a big bag of stolen Tesco Value basmati rice. The tesco value one, I mean seriously if you're going to be so pathetic as to steal rice, wouldn't you at least steal NICE rice?! As someone posted at the time, maybe he misunderstood when his mates said they were off to raid currys...
4. Tottenham - Rioters burnt down the post office. Where they issue their benefits. Which they pretty much definitely all claim. Fail...
5. Clapham Junction - One woman with a tv asked why she was stealing stuff and she replied "I'm getting back my taxes". Now not only am I pretty sure that she has never paid taxes in her life but since when do people pay taxes to Currys?!
6. Ealing - Looters raiding the party shop and then setting fire to it. They all wore masks from the shop before setting the fire, because that makes it's harder to spot them?, and then they set fire to an enclosed area with helium canisters, are you stupid?!
7. Not sure whereabouts - People looting Primark. We've already covered this people, if you're going to steal stuff don't steal the cheap stuff!!!
8. Multiple locations - Breaking into Nandos, Burger King, KFC, all you're going to find is raw stuff you morons!!!!