I spent the night at the hospital on Friday, unfortunately my mother is unwell and I needed to take her in. I left at about five in the morning to go and get some sleep before I would head back on Saturday and lucky me it was hammering down with rain! :/
It's only a ten minute drive so I wasn't too concerned about it, so I set off happily dreaming of my bed.
As I came over a hill into the next door town to mine I realised that I had some idiot sat about five inches off my back bumper... Now seeing as it's five am one of the two following options is the most likely -
1) I am pissed.
2) I am pissed off
It was the latter...
Because of the heavy rain there were some seriously huge puddles everywhere and as I got close to the first on my side of the road I slowed right down realised it was pretty deep and would only affect my left wheels. Matey boy behind me beeps, flashes his lights and generally acts like a tool. Now I'm thinking had I continued at fifty miles an hour one of the two following options was likely -
1) I would enter the puddle and the waters would part before me making sure that nothing untoward happened and I floated on through.
2) The deep water on my left wheels would cause them to turn more slowly meaning that my right ones would continue at their regular speed causing my car to veer, aquaplane and spin.
Pretty sure that'd be the latter...
The road was straight and empty apart from us so he decided to overtake, to be honest I was happy with that because it got him off my back! Ahead of us loomed another puddle, which of these two options happened -
1) He sensibly slowed his speed thereby passing through the puddle safely and without issue.
2) He continued at fifty miles an hour, his left wheels were affected by the deep water and his car spun out.
Oh yeah, that'd be the latter!
I carefully drove round him and continued on my way. Which of these two options do you think I was thinking -
1) Oh what a shame, I'm sure he didn't realise what would happen and this should be a helpful learning experience for him!
2) What a twat!
It was the, well I think you get the idea by now... ;)
Sunday, 13 January 2013
Thursday, 3 January 2013
Boy Racing Fail...
Picture the scene, I'm sat at the top of the high street of my town waiting for the traffic lights. There are two lanes, I'm going left. A car pulls up alongside me, a young guy (maybe eighteen or so) sat in the drivers seat. He's turning right.
Now imagine my confusion when he starts revving his engine, and I don't mean idly gunning the gas. I mean revving the nuts off his car, and looking to his left with that "let's race" look on his face.
Confusion, I mean true confusion. Let me explain simply.
At this particular junction the left lane turns left, the right lane turns right, there is no way we could be sat parallel with each other and be going in the same direction. None. I mean what the hell does he think we're going to do, race the two inches off the line until we veer in two different directions?! I mean really, what exactly is the point in trying to get your race on when we aren't even going in the same fucking direction?!
Moron.
And after all that I pulled away, not slowly but not fast, and he was still sat on the line as I turned the corner... *eyeroll*
Now imagine my confusion when he starts revving his engine, and I don't mean idly gunning the gas. I mean revving the nuts off his car, and looking to his left with that "let's race" look on his face.
Confusion, I mean true confusion. Let me explain simply.
At this particular junction the left lane turns left, the right lane turns right, there is no way we could be sat parallel with each other and be going in the same direction. None. I mean what the hell does he think we're going to do, race the two inches off the line until we veer in two different directions?! I mean really, what exactly is the point in trying to get your race on when we aren't even going in the same fucking direction?!
Moron.
And after all that I pulled away, not slowly but not fast, and he was still sat on the line as I turned the corner... *eyeroll*
Friday, 28 December 2012
New Years Fun 'n' Games!
Christmas is over and now New Years is fast approaching with all it's fun and frolics. So what are we all doing for it? There are a few exciting options -
1) A pub/club.
With this choice you get to pay a fuckload to walk into a premise that you can walk into every other day of the year without paying an additional penny, fun no? Then of course you have the overpriced "New Years cocktails", also known as a vodka and cranberry because IT'S NEW YEARS! Then you fork out three times going price for a glass (if you're lucky) or more likely a bottle of crappy fizz, I refuse to call this shite champagne, to toast the midnight hour. The music is loud, and invariably cheesy and crap, and most often DJ'd by some jumped up little twerp who has been legally allowed to drink for about the last five minutes... So expect a lovely little combo mix of songs that were released last week, because he's "current", and baaaad eighties trash (not the good stuff unfortunately) because he's "retro"... All in all it'll be a largely overpriced evening punctuated with bad entertainment and even worse company. But hey, you bought a ticket, so at least it's exclusive!!
2) House Party
Everyone is broke or refuses to pay up for tickets, so a house party seems the way to go. All the guests bring a little something, the host/ess lays on some food, and there are invariably some "funny" party games to be played. When I say funny, it usually IS with the best intentions meant be be funny, but is still most often shit... Or there's always the theme party, now aren't they just hysterical!! ;)
The music is even more dangerous at these gatherings, because you know whoever set up the playlist has spent weeks working on it, but most of it is to their taste and no one else's! Or you could go for the safer option of playing MTV in the background at the risk that the channel will be playing kak and people now think you're inherently lazy because you couldn't be bothered to actually write a playlist, no matter how shit it would've been!
And these nights end one way, people slowly drift off until you have the "hardcore" (read bored) remaining few who continue to drink until the sun comes up and they pass out in various poses around the house. Classy yeah?
3) Stay In Solo/Paired
You don't want to or can't go out, nor do you want people invading your home, so you decide to spend the evening in. After all, it's just one night.
Nothing says rock n roll quite so eloquently as a quiet night in on New Years Eve. Maybe you have a nice meal, a few nice drinks, you see in the midnight stroke either on your own or with your significant other before you quietly finish your drink and head for bed.
This largely means you're getting old, or you have no friends. It's not a good look for anyone, bearing in mind the last time you spent NYE home alone was when you were about fourteen... Next year maybe you should work on your social life?
So there you have it, your exciting three main options for the overhyped crapfest that is New Years. None of them are exactly perfection personified, and yet none of them are quite so rubbish that you don't try it all over again next year. So make your choice, and accept your fate. Happy 2013 everyone, may you enjoy the last night of 2012 in hopefully acceptable style! Cheers! :)
1) A pub/club.
With this choice you get to pay a fuckload to walk into a premise that you can walk into every other day of the year without paying an additional penny, fun no? Then of course you have the overpriced "New Years cocktails", also known as a vodka and cranberry because IT'S NEW YEARS! Then you fork out three times going price for a glass (if you're lucky) or more likely a bottle of crappy fizz, I refuse to call this shite champagne, to toast the midnight hour. The music is loud, and invariably cheesy and crap, and most often DJ'd by some jumped up little twerp who has been legally allowed to drink for about the last five minutes... So expect a lovely little combo mix of songs that were released last week, because he's "current", and baaaad eighties trash (not the good stuff unfortunately) because he's "retro"... All in all it'll be a largely overpriced evening punctuated with bad entertainment and even worse company. But hey, you bought a ticket, so at least it's exclusive!!
2) House Party
Everyone is broke or refuses to pay up for tickets, so a house party seems the way to go. All the guests bring a little something, the host/ess lays on some food, and there are invariably some "funny" party games to be played. When I say funny, it usually IS with the best intentions meant be be funny, but is still most often shit... Or there's always the theme party, now aren't they just hysterical!! ;)
The music is even more dangerous at these gatherings, because you know whoever set up the playlist has spent weeks working on it, but most of it is to their taste and no one else's! Or you could go for the safer option of playing MTV in the background at the risk that the channel will be playing kak and people now think you're inherently lazy because you couldn't be bothered to actually write a playlist, no matter how shit it would've been!
And these nights end one way, people slowly drift off until you have the "hardcore" (read bored) remaining few who continue to drink until the sun comes up and they pass out in various poses around the house. Classy yeah?
3) Stay In Solo/Paired
You don't want to or can't go out, nor do you want people invading your home, so you decide to spend the evening in. After all, it's just one night.
Nothing says rock n roll quite so eloquently as a quiet night in on New Years Eve. Maybe you have a nice meal, a few nice drinks, you see in the midnight stroke either on your own or with your significant other before you quietly finish your drink and head for bed.
This largely means you're getting old, or you have no friends. It's not a good look for anyone, bearing in mind the last time you spent NYE home alone was when you were about fourteen... Next year maybe you should work on your social life?
So there you have it, your exciting three main options for the overhyped crapfest that is New Years. None of them are exactly perfection personified, and yet none of them are quite so rubbish that you don't try it all over again next year. So make your choice, and accept your fate. Happy 2013 everyone, may you enjoy the last night of 2012 in hopefully acceptable style! Cheers! :)
Sunday, 23 December 2012
Seriously You Doomsday Freaks?!
So now apparently people have had it wrong for years, the Mayans predicted the end of the world on Christmas Eve... Oh are you having a fucking laugh?! Clutching at straws much freaks?
No matter how many times they are proved wrong these crazies are going to constantly come up with another date when the world will end. I know one day it will, it has to eventually, BUT pleeeeease can it not be on any date they say because I really don't want them to have even a moment of "See? We were right!" That would just be the second moment fucking annoying thing, the first obviously being the end of the world...! And annoying being a very mild reaction to it! Lol!!
It's a bit like the prophecies of Nostradamus, apparently they tie in to the events of September 11th. Not being funny but years and years later something was going to eventually happen that matched to roughly what he predicted, kind of handy he didn't mention a timeframe isn't it?! You can make anything fit a prophecy given enough time and artistic license.
So let me state this simply. The world DIDN'T end on December 21st, it WON'T end on December 24th and unless someone hands me a prophecy with a specific date and it happens on that date no one is EVER going to convince me of the power of prophecy. Obviously I'm open to being proved wrong, but let's face it, how likely is it really?
But if the world does end can we please start with the Westboro Baptist Church, because in all reality, they are the most deserving. Scarily they agree, so maybe we could just lie, set a lot of fires and get rid of them? They'd never know it was fake... ;)
No matter how many times they are proved wrong these crazies are going to constantly come up with another date when the world will end. I know one day it will, it has to eventually, BUT pleeeeease can it not be on any date they say because I really don't want them to have even a moment of "See? We were right!" That would just be the second moment fucking annoying thing, the first obviously being the end of the world...! And annoying being a very mild reaction to it! Lol!!
It's a bit like the prophecies of Nostradamus, apparently they tie in to the events of September 11th. Not being funny but years and years later something was going to eventually happen that matched to roughly what he predicted, kind of handy he didn't mention a timeframe isn't it?! You can make anything fit a prophecy given enough time and artistic license.
So let me state this simply. The world DIDN'T end on December 21st, it WON'T end on December 24th and unless someone hands me a prophecy with a specific date and it happens on that date no one is EVER going to convince me of the power of prophecy. Obviously I'm open to being proved wrong, but let's face it, how likely is it really?
But if the world does end can we please start with the Westboro Baptist Church, because in all reality, they are the most deserving. Scarily they agree, so maybe we could just lie, set a lot of fires and get rid of them? They'd never know it was fake... ;)
Christmas Ranticles
Almost time for the Christmas sales to begin, but this year apparently it's controversial... How can you have a controversial sale I hear you ask? Well apparently a few of the big name stores are starting their sales online on Christmas Day. Um, so what...? It's annoyed the church, they're concerned it'll take away from the true meaning of Christmas... What, presents? That's the meaning of Christmas these days isn't it? Yeah I think we'll still be happily opening presents. Ooooooh you mean the whole "birth of Christ" bit? Who wasn't born on Christmas, didn't die at Christmas, in fact NOTHING happened to him at Christmas! The only reason Christmas Day was chosen as a religious holiday in the Christian calendar is because it was the date of a pagan celebration, so using the same date made it easier to sway pagans to a new way of thinking! So we're actually getting pissed all day Tuesday because of the Druids, nice one robey boys! ;)
So it's about presents, granted not to all, but to a lot of people. Presents, way too much food, and way too much booze. And on the subject of presents, bloody hell how much do people spend on their kids?! One friend told me her SEVEN YEAR OLD's list to Santa included an iPod, iPad, and a PS3!! Now I know myself and my brother were spoilt at Christmas but my memory was one big present (which was usually a big Lego set for me) and then loads of little things. I can't remember them ever spending the amount of money (with inflation taken into consideration before anyone says it) that people do now! I doubt I would've even asked for that much expensive stuff! Maybe I did and I can't remember, but I'm pretty sure my parents would've just laughed!
And don't even get me started on that steaming pile of crap that is "NORAD". I mean seriously, are people retarded that they sit watching this?! I get it if you have little kids but the amount of people who don't even have children that I know watch this is bloody ridiculous!! Who actually believes, regardless of age, that those videos are real?! The guy looks like a freaky Grinch version of Homer Simpson as Santa! It's more creepy than it is cute!
My stepson is eleven, he still believes in Santa, personally I think that's weird but hey I'm not going to be the one who tells him it's bollocks. Hmm, hope he doesn't get his hands on my blog...! ;)
So it's about presents, granted not to all, but to a lot of people. Presents, way too much food, and way too much booze. And on the subject of presents, bloody hell how much do people spend on their kids?! One friend told me her SEVEN YEAR OLD's list to Santa included an iPod, iPad, and a PS3!! Now I know myself and my brother were spoilt at Christmas but my memory was one big present (which was usually a big Lego set for me) and then loads of little things. I can't remember them ever spending the amount of money (with inflation taken into consideration before anyone says it) that people do now! I doubt I would've even asked for that much expensive stuff! Maybe I did and I can't remember, but I'm pretty sure my parents would've just laughed!
And don't even get me started on that steaming pile of crap that is "NORAD". I mean seriously, are people retarded that they sit watching this?! I get it if you have little kids but the amount of people who don't even have children that I know watch this is bloody ridiculous!! Who actually believes, regardless of age, that those videos are real?! The guy looks like a freaky Grinch version of Homer Simpson as Santa! It's more creepy than it is cute!
My stepson is eleven, he still believes in Santa, personally I think that's weird but hey I'm not going to be the one who tells him it's bollocks. Hmm, hope he doesn't get his hands on my blog...! ;)
Saturday, 22 December 2012
Pre Xmas Pub Numpties
Seeing as I'm not working at the moment I've gone back to doing some bar shifts as it a) helps out the friends who run a pub and b) gets me a few wine tokens and stops me drinking my redundancy. ;)
Last night I was behind the bar for what police call Black Friday and what I call Fucked Up Friday. For those who don't know the drill, the last Friday before Christmas is always a total pissed up moronfest! To be honest, where I work we don't get any real trouble but that doesn't make us immune to idiots. So lovely people, here's the stuff you can do to make it onto my Christmas Pub Sinners list...
1) Complain about waiting five minutes to be served at a bar that is several deep and behind which both bar staff are run off their feet. Feel free to get annoyed with us if we're stood about doing nothing but when we haven't stopped in several hours we're hardly slacking, we're just fucking busy okay?!
2) Come up with stupid "I'm special" type requests. It's not unusual for pubs to shut the door at a certain time and stop letting new customers in. Last night we locked the doors at eleven, not exactly early. So when someone bangs on the door and I go over and tell them I'm sorry but it's no access after eleven, you bellowing over my shoulder "Oh let them in, they're friends of mine!!" does not matter a damn to me. They could be fucking royalty but if they turn up past the time we've locked the doors that's just too damn bad!
Oh and "we come here every Friday" doesn't cut it either!
3) Decide in your infinite wisdom to start smoking weed outside our front door. Guess what? I catch you, you're gone. No excuses, no explanations, done. Got it?!
4) Start talking to the staff like they're morons. One guy last night started shouting abuse at one of the other girls I was working with. Anyone wanna guess how many more drinks he had with us? Yep, jackus shittus as the Roman publicans likely said...! We're here to serve your drinks, not take your alcohol fuelled bullshit, and we won't take it either. Or at least no one working will be taking that crap when I'm also behind the bar!
5) Get your friends to physically hold you up because you're too drunk to stand, and then try to order another drink. Do I really need to explain why this one is a no?
6) Shout at us because we don't sell cigarettes. We. Don't. Sell. Fags. Do some fucking planning and go to a fucking shop BEFORE coming out to the pub. Dick!
7) Become deaf when you're told it's drinking up time. You will lose your drink, people learnt this little lesson last night. Well done douchecanoes, that was a waste of money! We stop serving at one, half an hour is not an "unreasonably short" time to finish what's in front of you really is it? Tell you what, remember all those boasts that you can "down a pint in ten seconds"? Prove it...
8) Not take the hint when cracking onto a barmaid. I don't wear a wedding ring for a laugh, I wear it because I'm married. And funnily enough some weedy eighteen year old drunken twat is unlikely to convince me to forego my wedding vows. And when I say "unlikely" I mean NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!!! Got it? Good!
So yeah, a little thought goes a long way, and stops us laughing at you. Give it a try!
Last night I was behind the bar for what police call Black Friday and what I call Fucked Up Friday. For those who don't know the drill, the last Friday before Christmas is always a total pissed up moronfest! To be honest, where I work we don't get any real trouble but that doesn't make us immune to idiots. So lovely people, here's the stuff you can do to make it onto my Christmas Pub Sinners list...
1) Complain about waiting five minutes to be served at a bar that is several deep and behind which both bar staff are run off their feet. Feel free to get annoyed with us if we're stood about doing nothing but when we haven't stopped in several hours we're hardly slacking, we're just fucking busy okay?!
2) Come up with stupid "I'm special" type requests. It's not unusual for pubs to shut the door at a certain time and stop letting new customers in. Last night we locked the doors at eleven, not exactly early. So when someone bangs on the door and I go over and tell them I'm sorry but it's no access after eleven, you bellowing over my shoulder "Oh let them in, they're friends of mine!!" does not matter a damn to me. They could be fucking royalty but if they turn up past the time we've locked the doors that's just too damn bad!
Oh and "we come here every Friday" doesn't cut it either!
3) Decide in your infinite wisdom to start smoking weed outside our front door. Guess what? I catch you, you're gone. No excuses, no explanations, done. Got it?!
4) Start talking to the staff like they're morons. One guy last night started shouting abuse at one of the other girls I was working with. Anyone wanna guess how many more drinks he had with us? Yep, jackus shittus as the Roman publicans likely said...! We're here to serve your drinks, not take your alcohol fuelled bullshit, and we won't take it either. Or at least no one working will be taking that crap when I'm also behind the bar!
5) Get your friends to physically hold you up because you're too drunk to stand, and then try to order another drink. Do I really need to explain why this one is a no?
6) Shout at us because we don't sell cigarettes. We. Don't. Sell. Fags. Do some fucking planning and go to a fucking shop BEFORE coming out to the pub. Dick!
7) Become deaf when you're told it's drinking up time. You will lose your drink, people learnt this little lesson last night. Well done douchecanoes, that was a waste of money! We stop serving at one, half an hour is not an "unreasonably short" time to finish what's in front of you really is it? Tell you what, remember all those boasts that you can "down a pint in ten seconds"? Prove it...
8) Not take the hint when cracking onto a barmaid. I don't wear a wedding ring for a laugh, I wear it because I'm married. And funnily enough some weedy eighteen year old drunken twat is unlikely to convince me to forego my wedding vows. And when I say "unlikely" I mean NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!!! Got it? Good!
So yeah, a little thought goes a long way, and stops us laughing at you. Give it a try!
Friday, 21 December 2012
Go Clean Out The Car Kid...
I'm all for kids doing chores, that was how I earned pocket money when I was at home, and I think teaching kids that everything doesn't just get handed to them on a plate is a good thing, but I also believe you should pick them carefully, and sometimes they're not the best idea.
After my craptastic drive over to my mate's I was treated to a bit of amusement outside to lighten my mood. I was getting ready to leave and was in his kitchen when I happened to look out of the window. Below us, parked in front of my car was the neighbour's car with all the doors open and their son was cleaning it out and hoovering it. Great idea I thought until I looked closer, and realised there were empty wine bottles scattered all around the car... WTF?! Two things spring to mind people -
1) What the hell has been going on in your car for there to be that many empty wine bottles that need clearing out of it?!
2) What the hell is your kid thinking? "Today I learnt that mummy and daddy are raging alcoholics... Yaaaaay, I learnt something today!!"
Seriously what the feck goes through some people's minds?! I'm certainly not averse to a glass of wine or six, and I've been known to be the designated driver who before we have an end of evening drink runs to the shops to pick up a few bottles of wine. But we, without fail, bring the wine INSIDE to drink it!!
I think the next door neighbours have some issues... ;)
After my craptastic drive over to my mate's I was treated to a bit of amusement outside to lighten my mood. I was getting ready to leave and was in his kitchen when I happened to look out of the window. Below us, parked in front of my car was the neighbour's car with all the doors open and their son was cleaning it out and hoovering it. Great idea I thought until I looked closer, and realised there were empty wine bottles scattered all around the car... WTF?! Two things spring to mind people -
1) What the hell has been going on in your car for there to be that many empty wine bottles that need clearing out of it?!
2) What the hell is your kid thinking? "Today I learnt that mummy and daddy are raging alcoholics... Yaaaaay, I learnt something today!!"
Seriously what the feck goes through some people's minds?! I'm certainly not averse to a glass of wine or six, and I've been known to be the designated driver who before we have an end of evening drink runs to the shops to pick up a few bottles of wine. But we, without fail, bring the wine INSIDE to drink it!!
I think the next door neighbours have some issues... ;)
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