Iz It Cos I Iz Too Bootiful?!

I had to write about this, just had to, I mean come on people comedy gold doesn’t just come begging every day of the week!

Summary for those who have missed this recent amusement – Samantha Brick is a forty odd year old woman who is stating she is so beautiful that men basically are willing to do anything for her and these are strangers, and on the flip side women are jealous of her, don’t trust her around their husbands and she’s been penalised in the workplace for being too attractive.

Right luv, what planet are you on?! And lady, seriously, if you’re going to spout your undying belief of your physical attractiveness this loudly, maybe consider changing your surname? Brick?! Really...?

Anyway, let’s start with her claims of favours she has received: -

·         Stranger parking her car for her –

Well to get the obvious out of the way who the hell would hand over the keys to their car to some bloke they don’t know?! I’m betting this is going to happen more frequently now Samantha dear because they know you’ll pass the keys across and it makes their carjacking job a hell of a lot easier! It also has the plus side of watching your gormless confused look as they “park” your car several hundred miles away and don’t return the keys.

Here’s another wild and wacky possibility to explain this, maybe our dear Mrs Brick can’t park her car to save her life. So maybe this kind gentleman leapt to her assistance because he’d been sat behind her for the last hour while she tried unsuccessfully to park her car in a space that would fit an articulated lorry...?! Yes I know there are great women drivers, I’d say I’m pretty handy at it myself (don’t hate me cos you’re jealous), but there are also some atrocious ones and it is highly possible that she may well be one of these...

·         Stranger paying for her coffee –

Have you ever rushed into a coffee shop with very little time to spare and been brought up short by the epic size of the queue suddenly looming in your vision? Yep, me too. It’s happened to us all, and could quite possibly have something to do with this particular moment of “beauty induced chivalry”. By buying her coffee he could have easily got his own at the same time and saved himself some precious moments for the sake of a couple of pounds... Win/win?

·         Barmen refusing to let her pay the bar bill –

Okay this one genuinely irritated me. Bar staff, generally speaking, do not have the authority to hand out free drinks to whomsoever they desire. And if they start doing this, they won’t have a job for long..! So I call bull on that one love...

So we have these examples of just how she gets spoilt due to her beauty, and then there's the fact that she says women don't like her because of it.

Okay, no. Women don't like you because you admit you flirt to get ahead at work, you probably are flirty with other women's partners because yours really isn't all that and you are so sickeningly condescending in your arrogance that you just don't come across as a particularly nice person...!
I would say my best friend is utterly gorgeous, but she's a lovely person with it and would never crack on to someone else's boyfriend/husband cos she has self respect! See the difference?!

And just when I think she can't get any more ridiculous, or ridiculed for that matter, there's the follow up piece. Basically "Well the fact you're all saying I'm wrong proves my point, you're all jealous".... Oh what?! That has to be a joke right?
But no, she actually went on tv to defend this point of view, and got thoroughly rinsed by two women who to be fair blatantly didn't like her very much. In their defence I think most women felt the same by this point.

I started wondering at this point what on earth her husband was like, after all the photos we'd seen didn't exactly make him look like Mr Tall, Dark and Handsome that the most beautifulestest woman on the planet would be with, so I read some of her previous articles, and I think I've worked out what the problem is.

Lady you really are married to the most judgemental, obnoxious, mysogenistic prick on the planet! Who the hell tells their wife that if they gain weight they will divorce them?! And not being funny but the dodgy moustached tubby bloke being the one voicing this opinion made it all the more offensive to me! So your wife must work out every day (which is why you put the exercise bike in the front room!!) and maintain her weight so you find her suitably attractive, but you can decline razors of any kind and not worry about working on your own figure at all? Which, honestly, not pretty dude!

You know I was starting to actually develop some sympathy for the arrogant Mrs Brick, seeing as you'd have to be convinced you were gorgeous if your husband was that dictatorial of his standards and was still with you! But then she had to ruin it again with the long diatribe on how she was a daddy's girl and because he told her that she was the most beautiful girl she developed this confidence... Okay one, that an overinflated ego and not confidence, and two I know loads of "daddy's girls" and not one of them display the quite distasteful attitudes this woman possesses!

And to top it off the husband does an interview saying he'd physically attack someone who he witnessed flirting with his wife... Holy hell man you have nothing to worry about, if they were going to before they sure and shit won't now because of the way she's come across!
They seem perfectly suited, they're both delusional!

And now she's in discussions to go on Big Brother, how will we get any work done with that vision of grace and beauty available on our screens twenty four hours a day...? Can't we just send her into the Big Brother house and not turn the cameras on?! Then with some luck by the time she comes back out everyone will have forgotten who she is!

Please, get some therapy. Preferably without blowing thousands on psychics this time yeah?

Oh Get It Right B Movie!!!

I love shark movies, I know most of them suck to a massive magnitude but I still love them.

The other night, while the hubby was out the way, I pulled up Shark Night on Box Office and settled back for a pointless blood fest with some of my favourite creepy animals.

It was okay, not great, but I switched it on with pretty low expectations so it was all good. There were attractive women in skimpy bikinis, funky sharks and the necessary weird characters. All enjoyable enough, well for me anyway! :-)

But, and this is something I'm somewhat geeky about, get your damn facts straight.

What should've been a great scene of someone being lowered into the waters to be munched on by two tiger sharks was completely ruined for me by the fact I spent the entire scene wanting to scream "THAT'S NOT A TIGER SHARK!" at the tv. B movies are underrated because they're just such fun when you don't expect cinematically brilliant excellence but at least get your facts straight!
I was even willing to ignore the fact that the shark they were using doesn't attack humans but use the right name please people?!

Are You Looking' At Me?

Okay, so I'm now in the swing of doing my walking, and I'm actually really enjoying it. Granted that may have something to do with the glorious weather and pretty scenery but hey, bonus!! Proud to say I've not skipped one yet, not even the siren song of a cold glass of wine in the sun on a Friday evening tempted me away. So I'm doing seven and a half miles a day, five days a week. If this doesn't shift some weight I don't know what will!!

Today's walk however didn't have the greatest start.

People who know me will know I'm not the most confident of people when it comes to my size. I've been big, I've been small and (like now) I've been in between. Still I know I don't want to be the size I am so hence I've been getting my walk on. I left the office today as normal and walked up to the main road to start my first section down to Hyde Park to enjoy the sunshine and flowers while I walked.

Just at the edge of the square my company is based in there was a car parked up with three kids in it, oh crap I'm getting old when I'm thinking of nineteen year olds as kids... Oh well, at a guess that was about their age.

As I walked past one of the girls spotted me, pointed me out to the other girl and the lad and started laughing. Then, obviously being a lovely guy, he took a picture while he laughed. Nice right?

Now I'm not a skinny super model but I'm hardly a bloody waddling whale!!! So what the hell?! For starters I really don't get what they found so funny and secondly and more importantly when did it become the norm to see someone pushing themselves to improve their health and then take the piss?!

Have to admit as I walked on I did wish a defective thyroid on them just so they'd pile weight on but you know what? Sod em!

I think they've done me a favour in a weird way though. I've been putting off going back to the gym because I didn't have the confidence to deal with people watching me. But hey if I can be actually laughed at and have the reaction of "get stuffed" then I sure as shit should be able to manage a gym full of people who in reality aren't paying me the slightest bit of attention!

Cheers dickheads and may a plague of minuscule cockroaches take up residence in your genetalia..! ;-)

Tattooooooooos!!!

Okay, this is a topic I’ve wanted to address for quite a while, but I’ve not really known how to go there. Finally, I have a route, woohoo I hear you mentally shout...!

I’m now planning a tattoo, my third to be precise.

My first is across the small of my back and is based around my star sign (hold on before you shout tacky) and is a unique design that my brother drew for me. Not just the idea, I actually had the design traced straight off his artwork and that’s what now sits on my back. I love it because it’s his work, and it makes me think about him, and no one anywhere has the same design. So for me it’s absolutely perfect, plus because it’s on my back I don’t see it all the time so every time I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror it makes me smile!

Now I have issues when it comes to lower back tattoos, largely people’s perceptions of them. Tramp stamps, bulleye tattoos, California license plates, bitch tats, slut tags... The list of derogatory terms for these tattoos is ridiculously long, but the main one is tramp stamp. I massively object to this little term, and not just because I have a “tramp stamp” myself but largely because it is the most inherently wrong description. The idea of a tramp stamp is that women who have lower back tattoos are easy, or common, or generally slutty. If any of these descriptions were true why would the women in question put their tattoo in the place most of us have covered every single day...? I chose that location because I can cover it easily for work, really very simple! So let’s see if we can be a little sensible and wean this lack of logic out to the general populous wherever we are?

My second tattoo is also on my back, across the top sitting just below and in the middle of my shoulder blades. This one I designed myself, and it’s a Celtic tree of life with a quote from a Tim Minchin (loooove him) song placed round it. The whole point of this particular one was it was a statement that my life may not be perfect, may not suit everyone, but it is MY life and I love it. Funnily enough the upper back doesn’t elicit any slang terms, but ironically in my case is the one most often on display. It does get a lot of comments to be fair, and pretty much always complimentary.

So on to my third. I want a charm bracelet around my ankle for my mum, something fairly simple and small but I always choose designs that mean something to me or represent something. That said I would never get a tattoo for my hubby, as much as I love him, and in case you’re reading this dearest just imagine if I had an ex boyfriend’s name tattooed on me... Yeah, not so upset now are you? ;-P

So personally I love a bit of ink, to me mine are art and things of beauty, but this is one I’d really like other people’s opinions on. So what are your thoughts? Love them? Hate them? Indifferent? Let me know on the blog, Facebook or email me if you like! Look forward to some viewpoints!

Move Down...?!

Sooooo there's train trouble tonight, what a shocker... *eye roll* I wanted back to Waterloo so was intending on being on a train around half six anyway, so no biggie when I got back to find delays.

There was a train to my stop on the board but it would've made a sardine can look roomy, and as much as I do like to get home I'm really not so bothered that I'm going to spend a train journey forcibly face planted into the window... So I waited.

Then, luck struck me. Over the sound of my headphones I heard my half past train being called, and it just so happened I was accidentally stood right on the platform where it was! Bonus!!! Well colour me happy I bounced onto the train and got myself comfortably settled in a seat. A seat!!! I mean when it's like this standing room is a luxury so to get a seat was just amazing!

Okay, so the train is now a quarter of an hour late and still shows no sign of leaving but its a start. But all I can hear is "Move down please!!!". Um, where the hell to?!

Most of them have had a shout, realised it's packed and left it, but there's one woman who just doesn't know when to quit!

"Come on, move down!!"
"There's loads of room down there, squeeze up!!"
"We all want to get home you know!!!"

Yeah, we're aware you want to get home, so do the rest of us, but when there's no space then there's no bloody space!! Finally one woman pointed out her daughter was next to her and short so although it looked like space there wasn't any.

Little Miss Charming's response? "I don't give a shit to be honest, just move down!" and she starts banging on the window.

I'm not a psychologist but I'm fairly sure that's not the best way to garner helpful responses from people. Annoyingly she has forced her way into the train and WILL NOT shut up about how she was right about there being space. Would it count as assault if I slung a paper at her head?!

Move down luv, preferably to the next platform! If you got off there would be more space after all and that's what you wanted...!

One For The Boys

Right lads, I want an answer. It's a pretty simple question but one that's bugged me for ages.

When you sit down on the tube why do you have to sit like this...?

I mean seriously guys, you don't have THAT much between your legs so that's not it, and the existence of a bag on the floor seems to have no bearing either. No matter what the circumstances you all seem to sit down looking like you're walking like John Wayne, you've got a real "straddle" going there.

Okay so it may seem like I'm being nosey and it's really none of my business but here's the thing guys - you seem to manage with this method to take up about a seat and a half of leg room leaving us girls squeezed up either in the corner or between two of you!

See, it's really not hard to sit like this so can't you give it a try?

And just as I type this I have moved from one side of the tube carriage to the other to get away from a space invader, a guy has gone and sat next to him and he's reduced the straddle that's driven me out of the seat! Is this an unspoken revolt against women and your way of avoiding offering your seats to women ever is to make the next door seats as uncomfortable as possible for those of the female gender...?!

So basically pack it in! You don't have the world's largest nut sacks and the bags you put down as an excuse can actually fit on your lap, have a look around cos all the girls are managing it!

Bloody Space Invaders!

Optical Illusion? Or Just Plain Wrong..?

I like horses, I know a fair bit about horses, I'm still fairly sure that horses don't bend this way...!