Whereabouts Do You Live Again...?

I've talked recently about kid's name, specifically the atrocities heaped upon the unfortunate children of the rich and famous. Having given it some thought maybe the life of luxury they're likely to lead due to the rich and famous part needs to be balanced out, and it's achieved by the awful name they spend their lifetime resenting? It's a thought if nothing else!

Anyway, that post got me thinking, about other things that have dumb names, and I've stumbled across the one that makes me laugh the most - names of towns and places. There seriously are some awesomely ridiculous examples, and they seemed worth sharing! So here we go!

Blackadder. Really? I would truly love to know which came first, the character or the location. This Blackadder is a hamlet on the Scottish Borders near Allanton, Duns and Whitsome. One thing I was really gutted about though is it's nowhere near Roxburgh, Selkirk, or Peebles seeing as the character was laird of those areas. Would've been perfect!

And ironically that leads me into my second one, Booze... Who calls a place Booze for crying out loud?!

But there it is, Booze and Booze Wood. The Blackadder connection if you're struggling to get it is the episode with Lord and Lady Whiteadder when he has to seem teetotal, and one of his drinking buddies comes running into the room shouting "Great booze up Blackadder". Always made me laugh.
In reality, no idea why anyone would go for this name for a place, maybe they were drunk at the time?

Next one up, Bottom Flash. Maybe named after the local perv? The modern day equivalent of the village idiot? Ah these modern times!!

Another local perv then! You would've thought that "Cockup" was a bad enough name on it's own, did someone really have to add "Great" to it?! Massive stupidity or just a really puerile sense of humour?

I think we've found the cradle of life for the poultry of the country. But now seeing as that's showing water on the map is that name actually just a really awful description...? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew....!

Moving swiftly on... And yet still no better. And try this one for weird. There's a webpage regarding the Lickey End Parish Council, which apparently was formed purely with the intention to return Lickey End to an unparished status... Well call me crazy here, but if it'd never been formed in the first place then they'd still be unparished...? Maybe I'm missing a trick here, but then when a community go for a name place like that then I'm thinking moments of planning genius are few and far between...

I really really don't know what to even say about this one... And for the record just to the southwest there is also Upper Dicker... Good grief!

Pratt's Botom... I truly wish this one was a joke. Especially as it's next to "The Bull's Head". I mean come on people, a little future thought might be nice!

I wonder if the residents of Sandy Balls have a great golf course...? I hope so, that'd be whole new levels of awesomeness!!!

.... *opens mouth* ..... *closes mouth* ...... *looks confused*..... *opens mouth*....... *closes mouth*
Yeeeeeeah, okay then.... Um.... Well.... Okay no, I can't do it! I cannot for the life of me keep a straight face over that one!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, moving on again!

The last one, and ironically the first one I saw that put this blog idea in my head.

I just really wish I could've found somewhere called Shitz to go with it!

So keep your eyes peeled people, there's some fantastic places to see!

Welcome To The Red Light District

Okay, this might be a dumb thing to be absolutely fascinated by, but I can't help it, I need to understand the motive behind a neighbour's choice in interior design...

Observe Exhibit A (Oh and the only exhibit but it sounded good...)

This is driving me absolutely crazy. A red light, not in the whole flat but just this one room.

First off I figured it must just be that the room was painted red and the light reflected the colour, um no, that room has been painted twice in the last year and it's STILL red. And even if it was the wall colour who the hell would paint an entire room blood red...?! Actually, don't answer that or Lawrence Llewellyn - "Of Course I'm Not Gay" Bowen might spring out from the wardrobe extolling the virtues of the "signature wall"...



Oh yes Lawrence, I see what you mean, that's not UTTERLY HIDEOUS is it?! Nothing quite such a turn on as going to bed and being confronted by a mouth covered in cheap lipgloss coughing up glitter... Sexy....!

Okay, next theory, cos the whole signature wall theory seems to be failing. Maybe it's a photographer, I mean I can totally understand installing a dark room into your home if you do that for a living. Makes perfect sense!
But, when the blinds have been down there's a hell of a lot of light bleed coming through. So I'm thinking not the greatest dark room, unless you want all your photos to come out like this -

At which point I'm sure all anyone would hear is how the photos are like that on purpose because they're "arty" OR some con artist medium would put their hands on them and tell you that actually the picture of the flower gone wrong is your long lost grandfather's brother's best friend's dog's first turd trying to contact you from the spirit world... Something like Derek Acorah and his farcical possessions on Most Haunted. Though on a slight side note the video of him being 'possessed' shouting "Mary loves Dick" had me rolling on the floor howling and crying with laughter!!
So anyway, I'm thinking not likely to be a dark room/photo studio.

Which kind of leaves me only with the theory left that the occupant is a hooker... No offence, but it's the first thing that usually springs to mind when people hear the phrase "red light district" isn't it? And hey, whatever you need to do to pay the bills, or is that whoever...?

Niiiiiiiiiiice lips gir... du... I'm sorry, is that a girl or a guy?!
Any of the above are possible I suppose, and I know it's none of my business but for whatever reason I want to know. So if you know, or have any ideas, drop me a post on Facebook or on the blog. Or maybe I'm being crazy and in reality the cast of Red Dwarf are actually in there, I mean after all changing from red alert does mean changing the lightbulb...

Bed Confined

I feel like I've been grounded, which as a thirty year old married woman is a truly bizarre feeling...!

I've come down with some kind of stomach bug or something, which has left me in the delightful situation of there being almost nothing that I can eat without feeling or being sick, and I'm stuck in bed. I know it's the best place for me and I know it'll help me get better but I seriously do feel like I've been sent to my room and grounded. Even my husband is on at me about staying in bed, as if I'm not aware that's what I need.

Thankfully a friend sent me a link to a website which is quite literally maintaining my sanity at the moment. Completely free and I can watch tv shows streamed to my laptop, so today I've submerged myself in series six of Medium and trying to pretend my stomach isn't busy doing backflips and somersaults. (And as I've just learnt those are really bad words to use when feeling dodgy, feeling sick again now...)

So this particular sinner remains confined to bed, and grateful that she's so behind on this many tv shows so I have something worth watching!

Pub Politeness

This is really simple people, show a little consideration to the bar staff when you walk in a pub okay?

In the last five minutes in the pub I've seen one guy walk in and literally shout into the kitchen for service, when the woman serving was busy doing something else, and a second guy walk in and then leave grumbling because he wasn't served within sixty seconds.

I know everyone who's not done bar work doesn't quite understand that we don't JUST serve beer, we actually also clean, tidy, make food at times, book taxis, change toilet paper, restock and a multitude of other things.

We do know that you want serving and not being funny but if we stop doing that we lose customers and then our jobs if there's no one left to serve. So please believe we will get to you as soon as we can. We're not blind, we're not stupid and it's nowhere near as easy a job as most seem to think, I'd like to see half the whinging people work an AFD (All Fucking Day) and then tell me it's easy.

Oh and amazing I know but we do know what order you arrive at the bar, we don't need the "I'm next" comments, faces and other such reactions. The only things these will get you is a longer waiting time for service...!

And didn't your parents teach you please and thank you?! I'm sure they'd be proud...!

Blogging On The Go

Just downloaded the "Blogger" app for my iPhone so now I can properly blog on the go instead of fighting with the full website on WAP, joy!

Biggest problem I've always had with writing these is not being able to upload when I've seen something while out and about, but problem solved.

Happy little blogger! :-D

For The Love Of God Go Shopping!!!!

To the woman who got on the same train as me tonight:

I know that losing weight is hard, believe me. I don't like the size I am at the moment, so I'm on a diet and trying to exercise more to shift some weight. 

Some things are outside your control, a thyroid problem for example means that weight loss is nigh on impossible! Glad I don't have that issue!

Or maybe you're just really lucky in that you are more than happy with your size, that you are secure in your assessment of your attractiveness and that you unlike 99% of women are entirely comfortable in your own skin.

I hope it's the third, and not being funny if it is then good for you, I envy that contentment.

But...

What I do not celebrate, enjoy and desire is to see your stomach hanging over the top of your trousers and below the bottom of your, not short, top.

Seriously what the hell?! No one wants to see that and they do make clothes that fit you! It's how I do it, I may not like my size but I dress accordingly for it.

So please, please, for the love of god pleeeease GO SHOPPING!!!

Yours Appreciatively in Advance, From your fellow commuter.

WARNING : This Label Contains Pointless Information..!!

Warning labels are a source of so much entertainment, they manage to state the absolute obvious and still manage to sound like they're imparting some prized gem of knowledge. And although this may be taken as patronising I prefer to find the funny side and sit giggling to myself while I read.

Peanut packets are a great example of this. "May contain nuts" Really?! I'd damn well hope so otherwise I am going to feel truly cheated!

Or Preparation H is another great one, "not to be taken orally", because that seriously needs to be stated. Piles cream shouldn't be applied to the mouth... Well thank god you told me because that would've been my first thought of how to use cream for something that affects my arse!

I'm definitely a fan of the "warning, contents may be hot" on coffee cups. I mean I know some people actually like iced coffee, the majority of us aren't weird and lacking in taste buds so we prefer the hot and nicely flavoured version. So does the temperature of the coffee really need to be pointed out to us?

And I love the fact that the warning labels on lighters feel the need to point out that they "contain flammable fluid". Amazing piece of knowledge there, I never would have worked that out for myself!!!

But, my point, and why I started this post is more about smoking. My hubby is thinking of trying to quit smoking. Something I completely support, and really hope he does. And to help with this one of the things he has picked up is the Nicorette inhaler, so he can still take a drag off something rather than just stapling patches to himself. So far, so good.

Last night he got the inhaler out and decided to give it a try, so he read through the little instruction and warning booklet thingie and then plugged in a vial and gave it a go. On the smoking side, apparently it's not too bad, but I became a lot more interested in reading through the booklet because it has one of the greatest examples of printed stupidity that I have ever seen.

All you ever hear is that people struggle to quit smoking because of the nicotine. See, it's apparently the nicotine that is addictive, granted that's not my experience but maybe I'm just lucky. So, people smoke for the nicotine, and every aid to quitting smoking is designed to give you a smaller amount of nicotine so you can quit the cigarettes and wean yourself off said nicotine. Everyone with me so far?

This is what I found on the booklet that came with the inhaler -

Ummmmmm, maybe it's just me but I'm thinking that if you're allergic to nicotine, then the chances are you wouldn't have been smoking in the first place? And if you weren't smoking in the first place then you don't need a quit smoking aid...? In which case you would have never bought a Nicorette Inhaler and you wouldn't be reading this booklet...?!

What the hell is wrong with these people?! I get that in today's society you have to cover your arse but this is beyond ridiculous! And how much would it suck to be addicted to something you're allergic to?! How would you decide which was worse, withdrawal or anaphylaxis... How can I possibly choose between two such awesome options?! I mean I'm allergic to tinned pineapple, but I don't slowly wean myself off it by smoking Nicopine Inhalapple sticks do I...?

So remember people, don't continue to consume stuff you're allergic to, apparently that's bad...!

I'm Sorry, Do You Just Dislike Your Children?!

Baby names, more specifically celebrity baby names.... What on earth goes through these people's heads when it comes to naming their children?! "I wanted something unusual and edgy, that will most definitely lead to them being bullied..."?!

Reason this is in my head? Beyonce.... "Blue Ivy Carter".... I mean seriously?! Ivy I actually quite like, cute name, bit dated but could easily make a comeback with a bit of "cool celebrity" backing. And the idea behind it is very sweet, that the number four means a lot to them and IV is four in roman numerals... Yep, I like that. But Blue?!

I don't get why anyone famous feels the need to do this, but to be fair Beyonce is a mere amateur at the craptastic naming of kids!

Take Frank Zappa as an example for how to really do it "right". He had four children - Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan and Diva Thing Muffin Pigeen....
Not being funny, I had to check if Ahmet was a boy or a girl!! (He's a boy by the way.) And Diva Thin Muffin?! It's like an eating disorder just waiting to happen!
At least Frank Zappa has got the excuse, albeit not the greatest excuse, that he was almost certainly stoned off his nut when he named them. Won't make them feel any better about them but at least he didn't do it in sound mind?

Or how about Moxie Crimefighter? Yeah someone actually lumbered their own daughter with that heap of steaming excrament... In fact the only thing that could be worse than having this name I reckon is being the child of Penn Jilette, you know the magician guy out of Penn and Teller? Oh wait... that IS his daughter's name! Poor kid doesn't stand a chance!

Don't even get me started on Bob Geldof's kids, though I think this was more down to Paula Yates than him judging by the name Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily given to her daughter with Michael Hutchence! At least they each have a part of their names which can be used for a normalish everyday moniker though!

Okay, I know Woody Allen is a bit odd, okay he's really odd, okay he's just plain frickin' weird! But I still didn't expect him to come out with calling his son Satchel... Poor kid! Though give this one credit, he at least changed it when he was old enough, to Ronan. Nice and simple. I guess his parent's choice just wasn't his bag... *ba doom tsh*

So yeah, it's pretty prevelant that celebrities feel the need to name their kids dumbazz things. Personally I still think Frank Zappa is winning with his four, but I'm dreading the day someone decides to name their kid Spank Monkey Twirlibird!
Hmm, saying that maybe I need to have a word with the husband...!

Intellectual Fail....

I've been meaning to share this one for a while, a little gem overheard whilst working behind the bar.

It was a slow night at the pub, so we tend to do more tidying and sorting when there's not many customers to serve. I'd gone outside to cool down a bit (it gets roasting hot on the work side of the bar) and to collect any glasses that had been left lying around in the beer garden.

Outside were two girls and two guys having a cigarette and a chat. I knew the guys, they're pretty much regulars, but I'd not seen the girls before. I think one was one of the guys girlfriends but I'm not entirely sure. Anyway, while working you tend to find you half listen to what people are saying, not meaning to eavesdrop but it's just a habit most bartenders end up with in my experience. And conversations like this make me so happy it happens.

One of the guys was asking why they always end up talking about fairly inconsequential stuff and stated it would be nice to have an intellectual conversation for once, about politics or something. One of the girls then said that was fine and she thought Tony Blair was an asshole. Granted not the most eloquent of political opinions but a reasonable opinion to have.

The guy pointed out that was all well and good but as he was no longer PM it was a bit of a dated statement, to which she responded with the following -

"Well yeah okay, he's not. Who took over from him again? Oh yeah, Boris Johnson..."

At this point I had to go back inside and miss any following gems because I was shaking with laughter, was trying not to be rude and trying not to drop the glasses I was carrying. I was pretty much trying not to cry with laughter!

So I think that some are born intelligent, some achieve intelligence and more often than not some have other people's lack of intelligence thrust upon them...!

Bright Shiny New Year

I've been meaning to get round to a happy new year stylie post since, well, New Year funnily enough, but like I said on my Facebook page I've been feeling truly awful and not up to writing. On the plus side, the dreaded lurgy left me be until after New Year's Eve so at least I got to enjoy the party!

Side note, learned from said party - Baileys and tonic water do not mix... *yak*

Thankfully I wasn't the one who had to drink this glass of toxic vomit...

Soooo, we're now in 2012, how exciting!! I hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas and New Year because apparently they're the last ones we're going to have! The Mayan's, in their infinitely puckish way, designed a calendar that runs out on the 21st of December 2012, so this has led to the logic that this date is the date of the end of the world...

Couldn't possibly be that they got bored of writing and just stopped...? I mean call me crazy but were they supposed to just keep going and going and going....? I think at some point there was a hunchbacked Mayan dude sat in a room writing out this calendar and he finally went "enough is enough", throw down his... um... whatever implement they used for writing, and refuse to continue to enscribe a calendar that he was well aware already ran far far further than the end of his life. So in other words, he probably just decided that he;d gone far enough and someone else would continue at a later date, and then they didn't...!!

And if you think about it, 2010 Christmas and New Year were supposed to be our last, if you bought into the whole "Rapture" theory. What an anticlimax that was for all those poor sods who left themselves destitute convinced by Harold Camping (what an awesome name btw) that the world would end on the 21st of May 2011. Well actually it was Judgement Day in May, apparently the world wasn't actually supposed to end until the 21st October 2011. Not entirely sure what the "faithful" would be doing during these five months of limbo...?

So in other words at any given time there is some sort of theory that the world will be ending during the year we're in. I think, just to be awkward, the world will actually end in the one year that no one predicts it's end, so keep predicting people!!! And Happy New Year!