What's In A Name?

Seeing as I got married last year I’ve had to go through the process of changing my name on pretty much every piece of paper in existence. Seriously you guys out there are lucky you don’t need to and I’m learning how smart women who keep their maiden name are!!! The list is endless and every time you think you’ve done everything yet another rears it’s ugly head.

My latest one has been my credit card. I realised when I got a recent statement that it was still addressed to my maiden name so I phoned them and requested the change to my married name. I was assured this had been processed without an issue and was now all sorted. So I decided, foolishly as it turns out, to assume that they’d actually done what they said.

Fast forward to my next statement which arrived a couple of days ago. Well they got the “Mrs” part right, and my first name was accurate, but then I suddenly had a “P” for a middle initial and my surname remained unchanged at my maiden name. Well done, a spectacular fail there then people…!

So I phoned them back to explain the situation and thought this would be easy to fix! First I explain what had happened and that my surname still needed changing and they needed to remove the P as a middle initial. The woman on the phone then asked me to confirm my full name. So I did. She said that wasn’t what they had on the system… I pointed out, still rather politely, that this was the reason for my call as they’d managed to get it wrong previously. So she asked me to confirm my previous name, so I told her my full name prior to marriage only to be told I’d got my middle name wrong. I pointed out that as my middle name starts with an “L” and they’d changed it to “P” that it was hardly surprising that this wasn’t what was on their system. She got very confused and put me on hold, no doubt to scurry off to her manager and ask them to deal with this “very awkward lady and her damnable name”!

I sat on hold for about five minutes and had just about started deliberating over whether or not I should hang up when she came back on the line. I was told that my name had been updated and saved on their system and that a new card had been ordered and would be sent out to me. Fantastic says I, can we just confirm the name on my card?

Mrs. Firstname L Maidenname Marriedname

I think I’m just going to cry now….

Good Morning...?!

What's a strange thing to see in the morning in your opinion? I mean how odd and out of place does something have to be first thing for you to notice it? I've found personally that since I've started writing this I'm paying more attention, I'm looking for the odd. Sometimes however absolutely no looking is necessary, the odd finds you! This morning it most certainly found me, in fact it pretty much dressed itself up as a clown (PS - I hate clowns, they're inherently creepy...) and came running at me screaming and waving it's hand over it's head.

As I stood at the bus stop, fervently hoping for a better display of punctuality than yesterday and yes I had a glass or two last night, I saw someone walk out of the entrance to my block of flats. I didn't really think much of it, after all I'm sure other people live there too, but then I noticed he was wearing slippers, pyjama bottoms and a dressing gown... Very warm looking dressing gown but let's face it you don't expect to see it worn as a top at half seven on a cold morning in the street!

He cheerfully said good morning and was waving at the cars going past and then he walked down the street, around the next corner and vanished. Maybe I should be more worried about my neighbours?!

I figured it couldn't get much stranger in the dress department until I arrived at Paddington Station to be confronted by three people collecting for charity. One dressed as a tiger, one a fairy and one as Super Mario... Yep, the weird is saving me some time today and definitely finding me!

Little Moments of "Really?!"

I thought I'd do a post of things that, although they didn't give me enough of a thought process for a full post, still made me laugh and I feel are worth sharing.

The guy on the bus who tried to use a London travelcard for a bus journey in Surrey. When the bus driver pointed out it was a London ticket and the guy looked confused he was receiving of clarification by a great answer. "We're not in London..?" after which the poor bloke looked not only confused but in fear of being lost!

The guy on the tube carrying the bright pink suitcase. I couldn't help but laugh until I saw the very attractive woman behind him lean forward and kiss him on the cheek. Hmmm, that'd be hers he's nicely carrying for her then... Once again assumption has kicked my ass!

The woman on the train earlier in the week who's clothing combo of green, yellow, orange and purple made her look like she'd been bitch slapped by a packet of fruit pastilles. Mmmmm, fruit pastilles...

The woman opposite me on the Underground with a virtual explosion of fabric round her neck masquerading as a scarf, there's enough material there to drown half the carriage in wool! She looked hot, and not in the attractive way!

I'm sure others will occur to me and I'll share them in time but I thought it only fair to share my "mini sinners" with you all.

New Name, Same Sarcasm

The observant amongst you may have noticed that the name of my little corner of the blogiverse has changed. The initial name was just a bit of a rush job, and not a good one at that!

Seeing as I found out today that I could change it, that and a friend was somewhat obvious in his gentle hinting to change it, I thought it was a good idea. I should point out however that said friend's "gentle hinting" basically involved him saying "good blog, pish title", so we're talking gentle in terms of sledgehammer proportions here! Regardless he had a point, so thanks for kicking my arse into doing what needed to be done!

So now I'm all rebranded I feel rather shiny and new, I like the fact that now my title and context match. This is my record of the sinners against sanity I enjoy the company of on a daily basis after all! Keep it coming London, I love you for my daily moments to randomly smile about!! 

OAT's (Old Aged Terrorists)

On occasion I take the bus to the train station in the morning, for one of a couple of possible reasons. Maybe I've hurt my foot, or I'm running late but more often than not it's because I had a couple of glasses of wine the night before... This morning, as much as I'd like to deny it, it was due to imbibing of well aged grape juice...
As it turned out, lousy idea. The bus was running horrendously late which has the delightful knock on effect of me miss my train and being late for work. There's nothing I find quite so irritating first thing than knowing it doesn't matter what you do, you have no chance of making it to work on time, I am now a victim of the transport system timetable.

Anyway, whilst waiting for the bus a veritable motley crew of other prospective passengers also made their way to the bus stop, one of which was a very sweet looking little old lady. When the bus finally wound it's way to us I politely stood back so she could board first. She showed her bus pass to the driver who told her they aren't valid before nine o'clock and, apparently deciding it wasn't worth the fare, she got back off the bus and started to walk off. As I bought my ticket the driver piped up with

"Every morning one of them tries it on like that, they know they can't use those passes till nine!!"

What on earth does he think is going on?! Are they somehow stealth activists plotting to bring down the transport network by flooding all forms of public transport with oldies illegally using their bus passes at commuter time?! I know people worry about terrorist attacks but I think, just possibly, they're looking in the wrong place!

Phone Bingo

It is a very simple and universal fact, that I have noticed in my relatively extensive experience, that whenever a mobile phone rings, bleeps or makes any other noise it is impossible for people not to check their phone.

A random ringtone pierces the relative silence and almost every person fishes their phone out of their pocket (or bag, or briefcase or whatever other hiding place they've stashed it) and stares at it intently to see if it was theirs that went off. It actually doesn't matter if it sounds utterly nothing like their ringtone, after all some impish and mischievous person (known or unknown) may have stolen our phone for the ten seconds it'd take to change the sound settings and then obviously has returned it to the exact spot in which you left it...

Why do we all check though? Is it a desperate attempt to look interesting, a burning desire to be popular, or do our brains just not work quick enough to tell us not to look and we're all trying to cover it up?

Speaking of people stealing your phone, this habit we all have of checking our phones upon hearing one could well give rise to a cunning plot being hatched by evil and nasty thievy type people. After all, in order to get every person in a two mile radius to put their phone out on display for you to peruse and snaffle, all you'd have to do is get someone to call you...! Now does the fact I've thought of that make me a conscientious person enlightening you on phone safety, or the evil thievy genius who's out to pick a pocket or two?

So who's up for a game of bingo...?

The Reverse Tardis

Yep, smaller on the inside than the outside, also known as the seats on a Southwest Trains train... And you'd have to be close on Doctor Who to work out just how anyone decided the damn things were big enough!

I can fit quite comfortably in one of their train seats, which is all well and good, up until the moment that a man sits down either side of me.... Now I'm really not being rude, so please don't take it that way. I'm not saying men are fatter, but they are on the whole broader... This being generally accepted, or at least acceptable, there is under no circumstances any likelihood of three people fitting across the three seats available!

Which is how I found myself sat on a train this evening on my way out of Waterloo trying and struggling to breathe while a lovely friend of mine sat opposite giggling to herself, there's something so truly warming about that genuine and heartfelt feeling of sympathy for your fellow man... Remind me next time to take the better seat and let her deal with the slow drowning between two big lads, though of course that's subject to change should they prove to be cute...! ;-)

Pride Without A Fall

In a rare serious post I would just like to send much love to a couple of friends who asked me yesterday to be godmother to their secondborn, a gorgeous little baby girl. Very proud and honoured to both be asked and also to accept. Fabulous couple, beautiful family. xxx

The Science of Stupidity

There is not much I find more amusing that people who cannot identify just how high the levels of stupidity spilling from their open mouths are. It's especially delightful when that stupidity is laced with a huge dollop of irony, and this morning I had a perfect example of it.

As most of you know, I commute into London every day. To some this is their idea of hell, and would prefer to work closer to home or work somewhere that they can reach in the comfort of their own car, but for me the London commute is perfect. I get my morning exercise in the fifteen to twenty minute walk to the station which wakes me up, and I then have half an hour on the overground to London and around twenty minutes on the underground to reach my office.

Anyway, for the overground section of the trip I pretty much always manage to find myself a seat to curl up against the window and read or play a game on my phone or something. And Southwest Trains have the wonders of modern design known as the "quiet zones", which are my little havens of tranquility in the middle of the hectic crazy fest which is commuter trains! This morning I found myself a little corner of a quiet zone and settled down reading the iBook I'm currently enjoying. As is my habit I also put my headphones in on the off chance someone should call me so I can get rid of them as quickly as possible.

Sat opposite me was a rather charming looking gentleman. He had the kind of hair that screamed "accept you're going bald and shave me", the kind of suit you just wanted to take away and iron and the kind of perma scowl that could probably benefit from the self same iron as well! As I got on he was deep in conversation with the gentleman sat next to him, a colleague of his I would assume, and his perma scowl deepened as I dared to take the seat opposite which required him moving his legs. Shame, I felt guilt for oooooh no seconds and just settled myself down.

We passed through the first stop without issue but after that he kept stopping his very loud conversation to look over at me and scowl even more. I had no idea exactly what was twisting his panties so I ignored it until finally he decided to address me.

"Excuse me, excuse me! Are you aware that this is a quiet carriage?"
"Um yes, hence the little blue stickers everywhere..?"
"Well as you've seen the signs why can't you follow their instructions?! Your bloody music is interupting our conversation!"

One of my favourite replies ever - "I don't have anything playing through my headphones so I don't know what you're hearing... but as you've mentioned we're in a quiet zone could you keep your voice down please?"

Stupid people are brilliant fun, especially when they don't know just how stupid they are...

End of an Era

The landlord and landlady of my local had their last day yesterday after running the place for years, and it truly marked the end of an era.I met my husband in their pub, and they came to our wedding, and over the last four or five years a lot of milestones and events have happened there, far too many to mention.

So for this one post, no sarcasm, no wry smiles, just all my warm wishes to them both as they head off for some peace and quiet and well deserved time to themselves.

Now how long until they drive each other crazy...? Sorry, I slipped... ;-)

Best Intentions and Worst Lying Technique

As pretty much all of my friends will know, and those who didn't will now know (if they read this, you never know someone might!), I am very much a night owl. I hate early mornings unless they're the kind of early morning which means that's the time you're heading to bed and not leaving it! Bit like NYE 2010 in other words...
Seeing as I have a commute which requires daily abuse at six thirty from my alarm clock you'd think I'd be used to it by now, but really not... Even this morning knowing full well I needed to be out of bed by quarter to seven the snooze button still successfully seronaded me siren style into indulging once more time. I just don't do mornings, and woe betide anyone who's daft enough to try and have a conversation with me..!

Anyway, I digress, last night however for some reason I was insanely exhausted and actually dragged myself to bed at about half ten, a time that is unheard of for me! And my husband, with the best intentions in the world, decided that this gave him the perfect opportunity to discuss the plans for my 30th birthday with my older brother and a few other people. Like I said, best intentions, but still an epic fail. Apparently about ten minutes after I went to bed he fell asleep on the sofa... and came to bed about half one this morning.

As for awful lying technique I asked him first thing this morning what time he came to bed, the response I got was half twelve in the sort of voice that a six year old child uses when the know full well they're busted. So I cheerfully stated "oh so not half one then...?", cue the same six year old stylie voice replying "noooo?"

*sigh* I love my husband, but good grief the man needs to learn he is a epically sucky liar! Which, granted, is a good thing!!!

School Night Drinking, Early Mornings, Trains and Bacon Rolls

Was a fab night last night, and not seen my gorgeous mate's other half in ages which was cool, but when I woke up early this morning with the alarm clock screaming at me for attention I did slightly regret the combo of gin, red wine and bottled mexican lager which seemed such a very fine plan last night! Still, with all the good intentions of exercise still battering at the, somewhat more fragile than normal, inside of my skull I dragged myself away from the warm embrace of the bed and my husband and threw myself in the shower to start getting prepared for the next day's installment of my working life.

After forcing myself to get out in time to walk to the station I actually started to feel a lot better, the fresh air was revitalising my lethargic attitude and by the time I reached the station I was actually feeling pretty good and clear headed. Naturally this meant I had beaten the impending hangover...! Or not, as my brain proceeded to spend the entire train journey up to Waterloo telling me that it wanted a bacon roll or it was going to make today as miserable as it possibly could. My palate was also telling me that there'd better be something fizzy and refreshing or there would be hell to pay!

Upon getting on the tube I thought maybe my insides would stop attempting to engage me in conversation as I was stoically refusing to answer as I was not prepared to give in to the first stages of insanity by starting to discuss my breakfast with myself! Apparently my insides are just as stubborn as the rest of me...!
The tube was busy, but not rammed so I happily headed for an empty seat only to be barged out of the way by some grumpy looked suited middle aged man. How delightful. Seriously, when getting on a tube train why do people feel the need to push past everyone else with only the goal of the seat they can see in the forefront of their minds, only to then get off at the very next stop?! Seriously people, stop it. It's rude, it's annoying and it causes me to spend the time between those two stops glaring at you instead of playing games on my iPhone!! I have better things to do with my time! This guy proceeded to get off at the expected next stop and had ignored my glaring attempts, still didn't get the damn seat though as a pregnant woman got on and unlike it seems 99% of the London Underground passenger base I cannot in all good conscience sit down and leave her to stand. Yes male population I'm talking to you, because almost every time I see someone give up their seat for a pregnant woman it's usually another woman, step up boys you're letting your insecurities show, you really can tell the difference between fat and pregnant so stop whinging that excuse for why you don't dare offer your seat.

Upon arrival at my stop my internals picked up the clamour once again for bacon rolls and fizzy stuff, and I gave up the fight. So I made my way to the shop and got grapes and Fanta and then wandered down to get myself that much needed bacon roll on the way through to the office. And that's when it happened, that's when I finally saw something that I couldn't just cope with. The hangover hadn't beaten me, neither had the incessant howlings from within for certain things for breakfast, not even the tube had phased me that much, BUT when I achieved my goal and had the desired heated breakfast in my hands I was told that would be £2.10

Now I know this doesn't sound a huge amount dear reader, but please allow me to enlighten you as to why this wound me up beyond saving. At this time last year the exact same bacon roll, at the exact same bacon roll purveyor's, served by the exact same person cost me £1. Then a couple of months back they decided in their infinite wisdom that they should be charging £1.90 which bugged me because I really didn't think there would be a good enough reason for a hike in price of almost 100% and decided that I would cut down on my bacon roll consumption.
But at £2.10 I think me and my occasional bacon rolls will be parting company, there comes a time where all of us must choose our battle lines and put our foot down over something, and as small and petty and daft as it is I have drawn my battle line and no one shall pass!!!

Friends and Willpower Issues

I have come to the conclusion that smoking is nowhere near as addictive as people think it is, I know this sounds like utter rubbish but go with me for the moment hey? At least give me the chance to adjust your mindset on this one!

Since giving up smoking on New Years Eve, I have smoked twice. Both when very very very very ve.. (you get the idea) drunk, and both times I have regretted it straight away and stubbed said cigarette out. Seriously, how I've spent the last four or five years doing that five to ten times a day is beyond me! Anyway, my point here is not about smoking, well it is but only as a comparative tool, so to speak, kind of...

Apart from my two little lapses I have not craved a single cigarette, I have not struggled to not smoke, I have not pined after that one last little nicotine hit and I've certainly not been prompted to go and buy nicorette gum, inhalators, patches or any other kind of (massively overpriced) anti-smoking aid. Nothing has particularly bothered me about the whole thing, I find on occasion that I have noticed that I would normally be smoking at said time and so my hands are a little lacking in something to do but on the whole it has been a very easy break so far.

So I would make the assumption that I have a relatively good, healthy chunk of willpower built into my genetic or mental make up. Makes sense right?
SO IF SMOKING IS SO DAMNED ADDICTIVE WHY CAN I GIVE THAT UP BUT I CAN'T TURN DOWN A GLASS OF WINE?!

I have stuck to my exercise program and healthy eating for two days and had every single intention of sticking to it again tonight. But I get one text from my best mate suggesting a little drinkie down the pub at seven and well I'm right there aren't I?

Does walking to the pub and lifting a glass to my mouth count as exercise...?!

The Traditional Post Xmas Dieting!

Two posts in one day, I know it's sad, but seeing as I've only just started this internet based whittering I had a couple of things to whitter about.

January, the time of year when it is universally accepted that everyone will be dieting, detoxing or refusing to go down without a fight and is still drinking copiously! I've gone for option one this year after a painful ordeal on the scales last week! So, as I can't quite face the awfulness that is the gym (I have serious gym issues) I have embarked on a campaign of Just Dance 2 on the Wii and healthy eating!

I'm two days into this current program and I can report that I have been successful on the healthy eating and I have done Just Dance for the last two nights. Today's salad in my company restaurant was uber sucky so today's lunch was a sandwich and a packet of crisps which isn't great but it's not like I'm scoffing chocolate cake so I'm not gonna beat myself up over that!
As for the exercise, oh holy hell my arms and shoulders are aching like craaaaaaaaaaaaaazy!!! Good aching, the "I've actually done something constructive" aching, but it still hurts!! Loving the Just Dance game though, cos I don't have to do two hours of exercising to make myself feel like I've put in the effort, seven songs in I'm somewhat resembling a cooked lobster in hue and am gasping for breath. It is good fun though, apart from managing to clatter my own knuckles with the remote last night.... co-ordination fail...!

I've managed to drag myself out a bed a little earlier nowadays as well so I'm back to doing my walk to the station in the morning as well as the evening, so that's around three miles a day all in, got to be worth something! Plus so I'm not rushing along like a mad person I'm leaving the house quite early and made the 7:46 train this morning for the first time in about six months, so early to work today! Although apparently Jack Daniel (of bourbon related fame) died due to kicking his safe when getting into work early one morning so arriving at work prior to your required time of attendance is dangerous and should probably be avoided wherever possible! After all, it'll cause more problems for the company if you up and die on them than if you arrive at 9:01...

Smoke Free Living

Well with the whole New Year thing upon us I decided to finally stick to what I'd said I'd do, and quit smoking. Now with all the best will in the world the most annoying thing about this is everyone has a bloody opinion, and feels they must share their little pearls of wisdom with you. They feel they must tell you in great and lengthy detail exactly what technique they used when they quit all those many moons ago and just how peeeeeeeeeeerfectly it went for them. OR they totally bemoan any attempt they've made in the past with quitting themselves.

Newsflash people, I. DON'T. CARE!!! I truly love that my friends take the time to say "well done" or "good luck" and it really does mean a lot to me to get that support. BUT when trying to give up something that is supposedly insanely addictive then maybe, just maybe, do you think that instigating a twenty minute conversation about that self same thing that I am trying not to think about could possibly be slightly unhelpful? Rather frustratingly it's a little hard to bellow this at someone who has every good intention and really thinks they're helping, but hey ho that's life!

On a massive positive note, I am still smoke free and am still not falling victim to any major cravings, sleep deprivation, headaches, nightmares or all the other side effects that people warned me about. Onwards and upwards!!!