The Post Christmas / Pre New Year Commute

This is a really strange time for the commuters. On one hand we're going to work, so all you happy people still tucked up in bed because you've managed to either find a company that shuts over the end of December or have managed to book the time off are not exactly riding high in our estimations right now... In fact the reality that I had to get up at seven o'clock this morning whilst my husband happily snoozed away was truly galling, especially as being the lovely wife that I am I didn't have the heart to "accidentally" wake him up... Tempting though, very very tempting...!

But on the other hand it does manage to bring around a bizarre kind of camaraderie amongst those of us actually making the trek to our respective offices, it's almost friendly!

Now I'll talk to anyone. The fact that I love writing this kind of proves it already, but I find people fascinating so if someone wants to talk, I'll talk. (Within reason, let's be realistic, the drunk guy in the pub last week who kept wanting to kiss my hand... yeah not so much him for example!) As I stood freezing my proverbials off at the platform this morning a woman turned to me and commented that everyone looked so "happy" to be heading back to work. I laughed and agreed, and from that we struck up a random conversation. I'd wager half my friends do not know whereabouts in London, and yet she now knows. And yes the chances are very high that I will never encounter this woman again, we do live in the same town though at opposite ends and it's not that small a place, but we brightened each other's commute just a fraction. There is a lovely novelty to people on public transport being willing to talk, and although it did improve my morning I think I would find it disconcerting if it was like that all the time, I mean they must be after something right...?

I don't know about everyone else but the other thing I like it not needing to worry too much about what you wear to work. Today for example I'm in simple jeans and a black top, can't go wrong, oh and a fleece because apparently our maintenance department seem to think we're in the southern hemisphere and it's summer as far as I can tell! It does make you think though, when you're not in a customer facing job why does it matter what we wear to work? I mean me being in jeans doesn't suddenly empty my brain of the required information, intelligence or general ability to do my job does it? I used to have electric blue extensions in my hair and I loved them, but I had to have them taken out when I was interviewing because quite simply people would have taken me less seriously because I choose to have a small amount of blue showing in my hair... I don't get it personally.

But I'm getting off topic. My point is that we are all just that little bit more relaxed about work over this period. It's more something that we have to do and no one is happy about it so we all just give each other a little bit of a break over it. The general London commuter's shell cracks just that tiny little bit of add some levity, the boss' tend to be a little more relaxed about start times because the trains are all over the place, and most of us finish early. Though, it would seem, not us this year...!

Ah well, New Years is almost upon us and I have a party to plan! That, if nothing else, will keep my smile and good mood firmly in place until the end of the week! Christmas is definitely for kids, but New Years, oh yes that's for us grown ups! Bring it on!!!

Congratulations, You've Managed To Dodge Racism By Being Racist... Twunt!

One of my absolute favourite comedians is Tim Minchin, I think he's absolutely hilarious plus being a bloody talented musician and very intelligent to boot. You might have guessed by now I'm kind of a fan. In fact he inspired the wording for one of my tattoos, but that's another blog on another day, I'm building up to a tattooist judgementalist rant I'm sure..!!

Here's the thing though. A lot of Tim Minchin's pieces are not exactly PC, but he's never come across as trying to be offensive, but rather finds the amusing side of everything. I mean for crying out loud he has one song entitled "A Ten Foot Cock and A Few Hundred Virgins"...! It's light hearted though. Simples.

He's been on the Jonathon Ross show a few times, and obviously enjoys doing it and also obviously is popular with said Ross due to the repeat invites. This year he was asked to write a Pre-Christmas show song for them. Which he did. Regardless of not really having time. Then he filmed it. Then he bolted across London to get to the next thing he needed to be at. Then the show was checked, editted and submitted to the ITV director, Peter Fincham.

Who cut it... Because it's talking about Jesus and Jews....

So, you cut something you assume will be taken as racist, by assuming certain people will be offended. Racist attitude to have really...

Check out Tim's blog and the video of the song is thankfully at the bottom, because it's awesome! Enjoy and Merry Jewish Christmas!

http://www.timminchin.com/2011/12/22/im-not-on-the-jonathan-ross-show/

Have A Tubetastic Boxing Day Y'all!!!

Four days till Christmas people!!!

And five days until the London Underground grinds to a halt once more under strike action because the poor little darlings aren't being given triple pay and a day of in lieu.... Oh their poor widdle feelings, check the bleeding heart ruining my clothing... Oh how I pity you, let me count the ways...

• Their contracts state they work public holidays, pretty sure Boxing Day is one of them.
• They are already being bribed £ 1,800 EACH to agree to not strike in the middle of the 2012 Olympics.
• By the end of next year tube drivers will earn somewhere in the region of FIFTY TWO THOUSAND POUNDS...
• They get free travel as part of their benefits, saving them a total bloody fortune!
• They now strike so bloody regularly that I really couldn't give a crap what they're striking for, I just smile when they don't get whatever it was they were after!

There are roughly two million unemployed people in the UK at the moment. I'd lay bets a large proportion of them would like to have a job. So if the poor ickle tube drivers are just sooooooooooooo unhappy with their job status FIRE THE LOT OF THEM!!!! It's not complicated!

Plus go down this route and maybe future generations of tube drivers will realise they don't get to hold the capital to ransom just because they want to screw us out of yet more money! Win sodding win!

Let The World Domination Commence!!

As most of you have, hopefully, seen I have finally migrated myself and my musings to Facebook. Not only does this mean that I can try and pimp myself out even further afield, but also I can start doing "mini posts". So by getting involved on Facebook you'll not only see the regular blog updates but also additional extras of random things that I see that make me laugh or shake my head in that "facepalm" kind of way. Yay for the random!

Now fly my pretties and spread the word of the sinners...!!! Bwaaaaahahahahahahaa... *kof kof kof* Ahem, sorry 'bout that....!

Just Wrong!!!

I don't often post about stuff that I haven't personally witnessed, in fact this may well be the first time I have, but I think it's worth pausing for a moment to appreciate the real "ick" factor of these two people.

Doug Hutchison and Courtney Stodden....

I mean what the ever living hell...?! I just cannot fathom these two, or even work out how to adequately voice the horror I feel whenever I see anything with their names crosses my computer screen.

If you haven't experienced the delight that is this train wreck couple, he's a fifty odd year old actor best known for his role in The Green Mile and she is (apparently) seventeen and an aspiring... well, just aspiring! Her parents had to grant their blessing for the wedding due to her age, but she looks a hell of a lot older, and not in a good way!

Around Halloween they got thrown off a pumpkin patch for their "overly sexual" PDAs... Then just the other week they were photographed going for a walk and she was wearing, of course, a tiny red bikini, hooker heels and a fur coat, that's it.

And now their latest, which is what has tipped me over the edge to true "omfg'edness" is their Christmas pictures. She in a tiny red shorts style bikini and him dressed as Santa. Basically it looks like Santa getting a frickin' lapdance while Mrs Claus is out the way for the day. It's truly truly terrifying in it's grossness. Check it out, words cannot adequately describe it...!!!

Observational Fail

I do try and give most people the benefit of the doubt, I really do, but sometimes I just get to the point where I can't.

A little while ago my husband, a friend and I had dropped into the pub for a quick drink, nothing major but just a nice relaxing half hour or hour. All three of us smoke, to differing degrees, but we decided to all go outside and have a cigarette so we left our drinks on the table plus put my handbag where I could see it from outside the front door.

I tend to smoke a little faster, especially now the weather is getting colder, so I was the first one back inside and at the table, where there was my glass of wine, and the boy's two pint glasses. As I sat there alone a guy walked over and said "Excuse me, is anyone else sitting here?"

Okay, he was polite, BIG saving grace in my book, and the only reason he didn't get the comment "No, I'm just really thirsty and didn't know what I fancied...!". Instead I very simply told him that my husband and friend were sitting there so sorry there wasn't space for him, and then I turned back to my phone.

I looked up again about thirty seconds later and he's still stood there staring confusedly at the two pint glasses and seats. Oh. My. God! The overwhelming temptation to tell him to stop staring because it's rude and it's not their fault they're imaginary people and thereby invisible to everyone but me....

Mate I was trying, really trying to not assume you're a moron, but seriously WORK WITH ME PEOPLE!!

Bless.

The Obligatory Christmas Message

Apparently, according to several of my readers, I am obligated to get all festive and write a Christmas blog. Hmmmm, well I have to admit I’m not entirely convinced about the whole “forced festivity” bit but who am I to disappoint? So here you go, my Christmas message.

I don’t really “get” Christmas, or rather the entire hype over it. As far as I can see it’s basically an excuse for us to buy gifts for each other that we most often can’t afford and eat far more junk food than we ever should... Yes I can understand it for children completely, it’s great fun. So for my Christmas message I think I’ll focus on the kiddy aspects!

I loved Christmas as a kid, it was just the coolest time ever, might have had something to do with my mum and dad spoiling us rotten! But of course, they did it for themselves rather than us kids! I’m sure it was just my parent’s favourite time of the year when they had to stay up half the night waiting for me to finally go to sleep so they could creep round the house pretending to be a fat dude with a sack of presents..!

Santa however, scared me. I remember once when I was about five or so my grandfather offered to play Santa at my school. I knew Santa was alright, I knew it was my grandfather dressed up as Santa, but could they get me within five feet of him without me screaming the place down? Could they hell! Second we left, no problem, but no one was getting me to go and sit on Santa’s knee. I seriously don’t know what my issue was though!

My parents did make a couple of concessions away from the norm. In our house Santa didn’t want milk and cookies, he damn well wanted two glasses of sherry and some mince pies and that’s exactly what he got every year! And he reached a point where he was going to deliver my presents into my parent’s room because I was making him late by refusing point blank to go to sleep! I still actually have no idea what they used to use on the carrots to make them look like they’d been “reindeer nibbled” and nine times out of ten they forgot to empty the bowl of water I wanted to leave out for Rudolph. What the hell I thought the other reindeers would be drinking I have no idea; I think callous youth overrode my concern! No way were either of my parents going to go around making reindeer tracks around the fireplace, after all they would have to clear it up again afterwards and that would put me off I think!

Tell you what though, I’m learning a new appreciation for my parents. How galling is it to invest a huge amount of time and effort, not to mention the money, on all these mountains of presents only to have the credit taken by a mythological reverse burglar who breaks in every year?!

I do wish you all a very merry Christmas. Personally I will spend the morning being rudely awoken by a hyperactive short person tearing through the flat with the speed and bounciness to make Hurricane Katrina look like a summer breeze. Then I will be going around to my mother’s to make us Christmas dinner and, to put it mildly, get thoroughly sloshed! I know that many people seem to find it completely unfathomable that my husband and I may not be having Christmas lunch together, but I think we’ll just about cope with being separated for a whole couple of hours...

So enjoy the over indulgence, enjoy the family and friends and enjoy the whole thing. But the closest I’ll be getting to a Christmas spirit is the vodka in my freezer... Bah humbug, Christmas can remain the kid’s domain that I think it should be!

My Top Five Favourite Blogs/Websites

My favourite stop offs in internetland for funnies, giggles and good reads!

5. Random Acts of Reality

www.randomreality.blogware.com

The blog that inspired the writing of Blood, Sweat and Tea and More Blood, Sweat and Tea, by Brian Kellett, better known as Tom Reynolds.

This is a running commentary of things he saw and experienced whilst working for the London Ambulance Service. It’s often funny, always truthful and at times heart wrenchingly sad but truly fascinating. Also very worthwhile reading both his books, I couldn’t put them down! Sadly since leaving the LAS he has closed this blog but continues to write and amuse me with his insights at his new site.

www.briankellett.net

I also recommend as very worthwhile checking this one out.

4. Failblog

www.failblog.org

Photo based website, with everything from dumb construction, to Failbook, to the worst tattoos ever seen by man. This is definitely worth checking out and regularly updated with new pics on all of the connected blogs. Plus you can also submit your own which gives it another side to amuse you! You’ll suddenly notice how critical you can become of your friend’s stupid Facebook statuses and the like...!

3. The Darwin Awards

www.darwinawards.com

The tagline to this website is “The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honouring those who accidentally remove themselves from it...”

Stories of some truly stupid ways in which people have managed to kill themselves, plus a great archive of “urban legends” in a similar vein. The Bricklayer, although an urban legend, is quite possibly one of the funniest things I have ever read and I couldn’t finish reading it out loud at first because I was crying with laughter!

2. Sleep Talkin’ Man

www.sleeptalkman.blogspot.com

Man talks in sleep, says really bizarre things, wife spends half her nights unable to sleep giggling at what he’s saying. Solution, buys voice activated recorder and posts the transcript and recording onto a blog to share with the world.

Sometimes rude, often irreverent and always seriously funny!

1. Hyperbole and a Half

www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com

Largely stories from the author’s childhood, absolutely hilarious and punctuated with the best bad drawings I’ve ever seen. Always has me in stitches and she’s working on a book at the moment which I cannot wait to read!

One suggestion, start with either “The Party” or “God of Cake”, both of which can reduce me to hiccupping, giggling tears of laughter every single time I read either of them!

True Friendship

If you're lucky there are people in your life to which time is irrelevant. You can be apart for months or years at a time and yet when you see each other it's like no time has passed at all, you just pick up where you left off without so much as missing a beat.
I am one of the lucky ones that I am blessed to have such friends in my life, something for which I will be eternally grateful.

When I got married last year I had three bridesmaids to stand with me and my maid of honour. All who mean a huge amount to me. One of which I hadn't seen or spoken to in years, and yet she still stood tall on the most important day of my life like she had never been anywhere else. She is, and always will be, a true friend. We've not seen each other since and I still know when I see her next no time will have passed in our friendship.

And then in September this year I was honoured to stand by a friend and promise to always be there for her daughter, as her godmother. It'd been almost four years since I saw her and her husband and son last as they now live in the US, and my first reaction upon seeing her was to drop everything I was carrying to run across the room and hug her tightly. That day we laughed, cried and talked together and it will always remain in my memory as a testament to our friendship that time nor distance can change us.

Then there was tonight. I've been out tonight with a friend who lives in South Africa, who I've not seen in the best part of two years, and who's first reaction to me wasn't awkward or strange but simply a hug and the acknowledgement of affection regardless of time or space. We've spent the evening catching up on the good, the bad, and the ugly and I left to go home with the sense of gratitude that he is here for one more week and I will see him at least once more before he flies off again. 

If you're as lucky as me to have these sorts of people in your life, hold them tight. They're worth so much and they should know it.

Growing Old, But Not Convinced About The Graceful Bit...

Since entering the painful era of my life, also known as my thirties, I seem to notice more things that just make me feel old.

The tune that comes on the radio that elicits the comment that "the original was so much better" is a great example. And to be fair nothing makes you feel old quite like the horrified look on a kid's face that their latest favourite track is a cover of one I listened to as a kid, I mean I'm just like soooo old duuuude!
Okay, the fact that saying "duuuuude" still makes me think of Ninja Turtles and Bill and Ted is NOT doing wonders for my "young" quota..! Still makes me grin though!

Situations like the one I'm currently in are just as bad. As I write this I'm sat on the Underground listening to a spotty ginger teen trying to impress a girl by boasting about his drinking escapades over the weekend. "I did like so many Jaeggerbombs that I can't even tell you what the hangover was like, and I can't remember what time we stopped!"
Ugh kid, seriously?! For starters you shouldn't even be getting hangovers at your age, you're like twelve! Us old feckers are the ones bemoaning how much worse hangovers get with age because we remember how we used to bounce straight back!
Also, if you have EVER got within so much as a sniff of a Jaeggerbomb I'll be truly amazed. No way would you get served at a bar, and your continuing proclamations of how you "don't even need ID" lead me to the masterful conclusion that you are underage. I mean Sherlock Holmes would've struggled with that and yet my deductions are sound I believe...!

When did we grow out of these dumbass boasts of alcoholic prowess? Oh that's right, we didn't... Maybe we're not getting that old after all!

Still the reality is there that time marches on and keeps it in it's unbreakable grip. Though I did stumble across one great logic that helps. People in their eighties now still love and listen to the same music they did in their youth. Which means that one day when I'm eighty the same logic will apply. I'll be the happy house and trance granny, with a side order of G 'n R! Rock on grandma!!

Everything Must (n't) Go?

Everyone likes a sale right? And one of the stores in my town that I regularly see running a sale is Dreams, the bed place.

One evening recently whilst walking home I saw this sign in the window of said shop.

Well that's handy thinks I, it's half six in the evening and I'm not the only one who comes back from town at this time by any stretch of the imagination, so it's great they're thinking of that.

Looking closer I found that the shop seemed remarkably empty for the last night of a sale, even if it's not the biggest town. With my curiosity piqued I investigated further and found this sign attached to the door itself.

Ummmm, what?! So let me get this straight. You have a sale that you're massively promoting that finishes today at eight, and you're open until six...? FAIL!!!

They may be good with beds, but their logic? Not so hot there...

Lions, And Tigers, And Penguins...?! Oh My!

This is a story I was told by a friend of mine, and I found it so bizarre and funny that I just had to share.

The story starts with a woman, a very patient and giving woman I'm assuming as she is a carer to special needs children. For a moment of seriousness I have the utmost respect for anyone who can do a job like this, I know I wouldn't have what it takes!

Anyway, back to the funny.

This woman was caring for a particular boy who, it happens, apparently has a fascination with penguins. These cute little tuxedoed waddlers are undoubtably fun and amusing but I have to admit they're not my personal furry of choice. Give me a tiger any day!
So the idea this woman comes up with is to take the kiddo to the zoo, perfect! So off they go with visions of penguins playing around the boy's head as he gleefully looks forward to the day's excursion. 

Upon their arrival, and to help teach him some independence I assume, the arrangement is made that they will split up for a period of time and arrange when and where they will meet up later. So off he happily trots.

The designated time arrives to meet, as does the boy, and having established that yes he's had a great time it's now time for them to head home.

The journey home is uneventful but upon arriving home the young man vanished upstairs into the bathroom and locked the door.
He's apparently not allowed to lock it so was asked nicely to unlock the door, which he refused to do. There followed a decent period of time during which he was repeatedly asked to open the door and he repeatedly and adamantly refused. So finally the threat of breaking the lock and forcing the door is put to him, still met by a stubborn refusal to open it.

Well you can't just make threats like that and not follow through, so the door was then forced open. She walked into the room and saw.... any guesses? The boy, in the bath, with a penguin...
Yes a living, breathing, squawking, fish eating, real live penguin... Which had, apparently, been transported home in the boy's backpack..!!

Now I cannot for the life of me work out how this kid could have managed to get a penguin into his backpack, or how on earth he got it home without anyone hearing or noticing anything!! 

Don't worry animal lovers, the zoo was called and they came to retrieve their missing tuxedo, but seriously they need to check their security!!! As for me, I think I need to talk to this kid, I mean I do love tigers...

Disclaimer - No animals were hurt during the writing of this blog...

The Train Is Late Why...?!

During my time so far as a London commuter I have heard some truly bizarre reasons for a train being delayed and/or cancelled. So I thought I'd give myself (and hopefully you) a laugh with a meander down memory lane of a few.

1) Surfs Up!

This was maybe two years back but it's remained stuck in my mind.

My now husband had given me a lift to the station one morning, either he had the day off or he was on gardening leave at the time but I can't remember which.

As he dropped me off the train was on the platform so I rushed through to get it only to be told that not only could I not get on this train but there would be none running through our station for a while. Apparently some brainiac had travelled up from Southampton with the intention of train surfing from Guildford to London and graffiti'ing every bridge on the way down.

Okay, not my idea of fun but each to their own.

What had happened was that this paragon of forward planning had failed to identify the low bridge between two of the stops... I'm guessing details aren't required as to his state of being at the time! The train was most definitely not going anywhere and I felt genuinely sorry for the police officers having to explain to people what had happened whilst trying to not smile...

After a little attempted rerouting of my commute I gave up and took a days leave, and for those of you wondering yes he did survive. I really hope he's incapable of reproducing though, not sure natural selection is equipped to deal with more of him...!

2) Dodgy Turn

Announcement on the train itself - This service will not be able to run because a passenger has been taken ill.

Okay, I would hate to be in their position. A train is hardly the ideal place to be struggling. But this situation only occurs when the train has not yet left it's originating station, they wouldn't cancel it mid service.

Maybe I'm being unfair here but surely this can be rectified to everyone's best interests to MOVE THEM OFF THE TRAIN?! Then the train can leave, and the poor sod who's feeling lousy can actually get the help they need, it's not rocket science is it? If you were going to faint would you want to do it on a train carriage floor? Did you read the results of the lab tests on the seats? Granted that was the tube, but if you haven't read them look them up! AFTER eating....!

3) Smash and Dash

Train damage...

Tube train, on way down Bakerloo line. Everyone has to disembark and wait for the next one. And why? Because some moronic tool has decided to swing something at the outside of the train when it pulled into Oxford Circus and they've managed to smash out one of the windows... Seriously? Who's that bored?!
And I missed my train... *grumble* But it meant stopping for a glass of wine... *lack of grumbling* :-D


Give them credit, even when they have to screw your day up by removing service, oftentime it is for amusing reasons which does soften the blow somewhat. And if that doesn't work, I can't think of a single London station that doesn't have a drinking establishment within 500 feet of it's exit, if not on the premises...! That's got to help!

UDI...

We've all experienced one, whether we know it or not. 
They're confusing, confounding and can be a little bit scary.
There is never a warning, we never know when they'll show up.
This is not a UFO, it's much worse.
A UDI - An Unidentifiable Drinking Injury....
*ominous drum roll*

A Taste Of London

With all the beautiful weather last week it seemed a complete waste to travel home on a hot and sweaty Bakerloo line underground train, squeezed in with a multitude of sweaty office workers who's "fragrant" scent fill the air, or rather the lack of air... So the obvious choice, plus better exercise wise, was to get myself walking back through the parks again, which is what we did.

But as I do this fairly often, and never really stop to enjoy the view properly I thought I would photo chart my walk back and share a little taste of this gorgeous city, looking especially stunning in the sunshine.

My first stop of the day is Hyde Park, beautiful and hazy in the summer sunshine. Wish I'd spent the day sat out on the grass like the woman below. Lucky cow!

One of the things I love most about Hyde Park is the diversity. You'll see everything and anything on any given day. Today apparently was the excuse to get the horses out of the riding school to stretch their legs. They seemed to be giving their riders a bit of a run for their money, but if you spent most of the time in a barn doing laps wouldn't you be chomping at the bit (pardon the pun, or not) to enjoy the sunshine?

Ah the good old Boris bikers! Nothing makes you look quite so cool as cycling around on a plastic bike with a Barclays logo on the front right?

 Beautiful, perfect place to sit and read a book while dodging the tourists, cyclists and joggers. Still get to see all the weird and wonderful though!

Hyde Park Screen, often apparently called Hyde Park Gate in error. Also known as the worst possible place to try and drive in London during rush hour. The stream of walkers and cyclists is pretty much never ending and right here is a double pedestrian crossing - I don't even want to think how long it'd take a car to make it past!

The Wellington Arch is up next, through which you can see Green Park and Constitution Hill. Apparently Constitution Hill is so named from King Charles II taking his daily constitutional walks there. See, this blog is educational as much as anything else! :-D
I still think it would be hugely amusing to actually have the Quadriga atop the arch mounted on a turntable which turns over a period of twenty four hours. Would confuse the hell out of the tourists!!!

After crossing over onto Constitution Hill the next landmark is the Memorial Gates, comemorating Commonwealth soldiers. There's a constant supply of memorial wreaths kept here, a fitting tribute to bravery in my opinion.

If you now look to your left you will see Green Park, where the great unwashed of London go to exercise. You'll usually see footballers, runners and often British Military Fitness instructors here. I'm glad at this point I'm walking, otherwise all that exercise might make me feel guilty!
Oh and there's always dogwalkers, and for some reason Green Park seems to attract the cutest dogs. Maybe it's because I'm picturing them chasing the footballers...

Buckingham Palace. Need I say more? I figured I couldn't do this route without including it. It only ever impacts us when they've had a party on and you get a fabulous juxtaposition of exercising commuters and smartly dressed palace visitors. On the day in question nothing was occuring so I'm afraid no picture of the strange sight, I will however keep my eyes peeled!

Once halfway down the Mall we pitch a right turn and head into St James' Park, with of course the typically British deckchairs... But with an open area sun trap like this, why not?!

And ahead of us we have the Household Cavalry Museum. Never actually realised that's what it was, but it does make for a far prettier walk than across Trafalgar Square and through Charing Cross Station!
There's usually the guards out when we walk through the archway to Whitehall and naturally this means the usual contingent of camera happy tourists all taking pictures and trying to get a reaction from the long suffering guardsmen! I wonder just how many people's holiday snaps I'm in...?

And now we have reached Whitehall, turning left you can see Nelson's Column rising above Trafalgar Square. This is where we encountered the grumpy tranny arguing with the police. Like I said, the weird and wonderful...

I love this building, but I have no idea what it is! There's something about stunning architecture in sunlight though. If anyone can tell me, please post a comment and let me know! It's on Horse Guards Avenue.

And directly opposite the beautiful architecture we have the Ministry of Defence, which of course wouldn't be complete without the two naked sculptures framing the doorway... How much time do you think the occupants spend checking them out through the window?

At Embankment it's a right turn over Hungerford Bridge, and past one of my favourite views in London. Straight down the Thames past Southbank and the Oxo Tower. Shame about the Buttplug, sorry I mean Gherkin, ruining the skyline now though...

And finally we reach Waterloo, around an hour and ten after leaving Paddington. Nice crowd of people that day hey? And it's usually so quiet...! At this point we generally just want to get to our train and sit down, but feeling good about the four and a half miles we've just done.

So there you have it, my walk from work to Waterloo. Not so much on the twisted sense of humour today but I thought the pictures were worth sharing! What a beautiful day in the neighbourhood!

Complaints Letter

After my previous posting/rant at the delightful souls at Play.com a friend of mine very kindly drafted a letter of complaint for me. Now I don't think it's quite right for actually being sent but due to it being so funny that it reduced me to tears I thought I'd better share. Enjoy peeps and thanks Mr L!


To whom it may concern,

This is my order number: xxxxxxxxx. Please ensure this is written down correctly by your good selves, I would hate for it to be read incorrectly and for it to be confused with someone who actually RECIEVED their package!

Ok... lets begin. I am writing to you with regard to the above order that I placed some time in June. The service I have recieved to date is quite frankly appalling. I am more than happy to go through the list of events below. I trust you will stay awake during this as it is very important to me that it is read, digested, acted upon and not deleted. I would also like this letter to be read by those who can actually do something, not by some office person who is on work experience.

It all started one evening back on 30th June 2011 when I was browsing your site. I was elated to see you had (in stock I might add) a DVD of Series 5 of "Ghost Whisperer". I promptly entered my bank card details and placed my order. I was glad that my hard earned money was being spent on such a fantastic DVD and with free postage, I couldn't go wrong! ... hahahaha (oh sorry, excuse the sarcastic laughing, it is too early in the letter for that.)

On the 2nd July 2011, I recieved an email notification stating that my DVD had been posted. Not long now until I could sit down with my favourite bottle of wine ( I prefer a Pino Grigot whilst watching DVD's... it makes the whole experience that much more fulfilling). I was like a young girl at Christmas, waiting for the postperson to come and deliver the DVD to my workplace. Everytime I saw a Post Office van pull up, I was at the window... but alas... it wasn't to be ...

After 3 weeks of harrassing the postperson for my DVD, I resigned myself to the fact that it has got lost in the post. I decided to contact Play.com and find out where it had gone. The wine was still on ice. So, on the 29th July 2011, I contacted your company and I requested a from that I needed to complete. It was a generic reply that I got saying that you would post the forms to me. It wasn't very personal, it didn't offer apologies, it was just, well, an email. Anyway, I waited another few days for the form to arrive. I am sure you must have been busy sorting out the summer rush so I was extremely patient (although, that was wearing thin by now).

On the 5th August 2011, I sent you ANOTHER email saying that nothing had arrived. Still no DVD and now NO forms.... sigh, what is a girl to do....... I recieved an email back from that generic boring person saying that you are extremely busy and it make take up to 3 days to get back to me (surely you meant three weeks not days!?!)

I had by now, decided to drink the wine. This was the first of many I could have consumed whilst waiting for my DVD to arrive. I am not an alcoholic, but I enjoy a glass or two.

So ... the 9th August 2011 had arrived. I thought now I would take it to the next level and actually phone you. I know, it's a big step, but I am sure you were MORE than competent enough to deal with a phonecall.... hahaha (oh dear, there it goes again, that sarcastic laugh). Anyway, I was told that you would resend the forms.

On the 11th August 2011, I got the forms. Yes, I know, I can hear the applause as well. I promptly filled them in and sent them back on the same day. Something that is yet to reach Play.com.

The 16th August 2011 came and went, as did my postperson (still with no DVD...). So .. I emailed you yet again. I enquired as to where my replacement was. I got no answer. How rude I thought, as I opened another bottle of wine.

Can you see how I am getting fed up typing now as each event gets less and less.... I am getting bored, frustrated and slightly tipsy with all this damn wine I have been drinking. Anyway, I am going off track. Back to the epic story. (I am thinking of writing a book about my experiences. Although if you sell it for me, I doubt anyone would get a copy.

24th August 2011.... I phoned your good(!) selves again. I was told that you had got the completed forms and that it was being processed... YES!!! RESULT!!! I was finally getting somewhere.... The person I spoke to said that the replacements department were busy (why do I totally believe them!) and that there will be a delay blah blah blah usual rubbish. But hey, you had my forms, what could possibly go wrong!!!!!

Dear diary, it is now the 6th September 2011. Oh wait, no sorry, wrong story. I phoned you AGAIN asking where my DVD was. I had forgotten the title by now. I was told that the forms you sent were incorrectly completed and that there was a page missing. Errr NO! I filled in every page you sent. It was agin, YOUR error that you missed a page off. I spoke to a nice chap called James. He was ever so nice. Polite, sympathetic and he was more than willing to help.  I should have asked if he wanted to deliver it to me personally. As least it would have arrived with a smile! He sent me out some more forms to fill in.  I sent them back that same day. How efficient am I!!! You could do with having me in charge of your place, it would run like clockwork! I asked for confirmation that you recieved them.. and guess what!! (in a very excited voice) ... NOTHING. Not a reply, confirmation ... NOTHING. My inbox was empty. I was beginning to get a complex that you didn't like me. I also spent 30 mins on the phone talking to you lot.

It is now the 7th September 2011 and I called AGAIN to find out what was going on and to get a timeframe etc. Can you imagine my ANGER when you told me you no longer supplied the item, but I can get it from the buy/trade site for less money. You told me I can have a full refund ( but I bet that won't include a reimbursement for my phone bills, internet use and time wasted using these devices of communication). I was at work or I would have opened another bottle of wine.

I asked for an address where I can write to and complain. I was told you don't have one! Do you all work in a field? Do you work on a secret island? Oooh, I hope it's hot and sunny because when I hand deliever my letter, I will be expecting a cocktail and my own personal waiter... Anyway, you tell me to use the "request" section should I wish to complain. Do I want to complain still? Ummmmmm HELL YEAH I DO!

So, to summarise. I ordered. You failed to deliver. You failed to answer correspondance. You failed to read simple forms. You failed to email me back with progress. You failed to update me. You failed to tell me you are an appalling compnay with bad work ethics.

I would like to know what happens now. Will I get my refund? Will I have to fight to get that as well? I am waiting with nervous tension to see who is the bravest and reply to me. I think it is time for a bottle of wine. Lets see what my followers think of my online blog regarding the service I have recieved (or lack of it!). I am sure they will be enthrawled to learn how such a large company can treat a customer so poorly. I am sure they will rush to their computers and order from you .... or shall I be nice and tell them that you have redeemed yourself? Only you can decide. I look forward to a reply within 7 (seven, sieben, siete, septum, hepta, nana, sju ... thats seven in various languages. Seeing as you don't have an address, you could be in any country in the world so I thought I would cover all bases!) working days. Have you ever seen Watchdog on BBC1? It's very good, it's all about companies who treat their customers badly. I watched it the other night whilst consuming more wine.

Yours sincerely 

Mrs P

Reverse Psychology

I've spent the last two days watching people who should stand up and give their seats to those who are pregnant or unable to walk. Apart from me doing it by habit there has been a huge increase in the last 24 hours Of people seemingly more than happily giving up their seats. I think I should complain more about it on here, it seems to make people be more considerate.

Play.com - What A Joke

First of all let me point out I have used Play.com for years and I have done so without issue, sure sometimes things have taken longer to turn up than I'd like, but they've always turned up. I've never had reason to take issue, but they do say one bad experience can create such bad feeling you'll turn away from a company, not sure I ever really believed it but boy do I now!

On the 30th of June I decided to treat myself to a series that I've wanted for quite some time, the last series of the Ghost Whisperer. It's my guilty pleasure and perfect for watching when my husband is elsewhere as he personally can't stand it.

I logged in a few days later to see it had been processed and posted on the 2nd of July. Cue me grinning like a six year old on Christmas Eve. Yes I was entirely that gleeful. And waited for it to turn up. And waited. And waited. And waited.

Two weeks had passed, they state three to five working days delivery, and yet I had seen nothing. I was, to put it mildly, gutted and logged onto their website to let them know and found out you have to wait three weeks before you can report it missing. Okay, no big deal, in fact I left it four weeks just to make sure it wasn't going to turn up.

Then I logged on to the website, it was the 29th of July to be precise, and listed it as unreceived. To which I received the email below. (calling me Mr instead of Mrs which as my first name is listed on my account is pretty poor going in my humble opinion).

Date: Fri, 29 Jul 2011 12:47:43 +0100
From: orderissues@play.com
To:
Subject: Re: Customer Support Issue 12:40:27

Dear Mr. P,

Thank you for your email.

We are sorry to hear that you did not receive your order for Ghost Whisperer. In order for us to process a replacement or refund for your missing order we have sent you a "Not Received Claim Form" which you will need to fill out and sign.

The form can be returned to us freepost, but in order to process your request more quickly please indicate clearly if you want us to refund or replace the item and send a scanned copy to cnrf@play.com.

Please accept our apologies for the inconvenience caused to you in this matter and thank you for your patience and valued custom.

Kind regards,

Customer Support Team
Play.com

And exactly one week later having received nothing via email or post I sent this response –

To orderissues@play.com, cnrf@play.com

Good Morning,

I still have received nothing in the post from you relating to this claim form mentioned below, is it possible to email it to me?

I have been waiting over a month for this item now, so I would appreciate you dealing with this as a matter of urgency.

Regards,

Mrs P

I again received exactly zero response to my email, and finally feeling rather frustrated I used the phone number on their website to call them on the 9th of August. I explained the situation and was told very sorry and the form would be emailed out to me straight away, it arrived the next day and I filled it out and emailed it back on the 11th of August. As below –

To orderissues@play.com, cnrf@play.com

Good Morning,

Please find attached the signed form requesting a replacement item for the one I have not received. Please could someone confirm receipt of this email and let me know when the replacement item will be sent?

Kind Regards,

Mrs P.

I emailed again on the 16th rather frustrated at the lack of answer of any kind, and again received no response at all, regardless of Play.com's promises to try and respond within three days. And so on the 24th of August I phoned them again. This time I was told that after leaving me on hold for around five or ten minutes the form had been received on the 16th of August and was being processed, however there was a delay because the department was so busy. Not exactly the answer I wanted but at least I knew the form was in the right place and being dealt with.

So I left it with them, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then waited some more.

And then the day before yesterday, 6th of September, I called them back. I spoke to a very nice guy called James, who proceeded to tell me that the form I had submitted was incomplete and therefore could not be processed. Now maybe I'm just being crazy here but I'm pretty sure that in the THREE WEEKS between receiving the form and me calling them AGAIN to chase it up someone could've probably just about managed an email at the least to say "This is wrong, we cannot process until it is properly completed" at which point I would've redone the form and resubmitted without having to waste three more weeks, a lot of disappointment and frustration and yet another phone call to them.

As I said the guy I spoke to was very friendly and helpful and genuinely apologetic, but informed me that I would need to redo the replacement forms and he would send them out to me straight away and could I please return them the same day, which I said I would do. And I did. The forms were received and sent as per my email below.

To orderissues@play.com, cnrf@play.com

Good Morning,

Please find attached the complete missing item confirmation form. As per my conversation with James this morning could this please be addressed today and could your action please be confirmed back to me on either this email address or by phone on xxxxx xxx xxx.

Regards,

Mrs. P.

As you can see I requested for them to confirm their action and (at this point not unexpectedly) I heard nothing from them for the rest of the day.

So yesterday morning, with massive frustration, phoned back and politely requested that they give me an update on the requested replacement. Back I go onto hold for ten minutes and then I get the response that has led to me posting about the ridiculous display of ineptitude, yes up to now I've been frustrated, but now I'm angry.

I get told "We no longer stock that item"...

Are you kidding me?! Nine weeks, NINE WEEKS of chasing this and this is where I finally end up?! But I'm told that they can give me a full refund as if they're doing me a favour. Too right I want a full refund seeing as I have never received the damn goods!!! I was expecting at this point some sort of apology, some sort of offer of compensation, something a little more than 'well it is what it is', but no once again they let me down as nothing is forthcoming...

At this point I just want to complain, and I know the person currently on the phone is not to blame for this, so I ask for their complaints department address. Oh they don't have one, I can only use the online customer services links, you know those ones I've been using and had precisely no answer through...! No, I want a physical address, but apparently they don't have one. These guys must sit at desks somewhere in the ether then! Every company must have a physical address but still I am just being told that nothing is available apart from the online service which I've already come to the conclusion DOES.NOT.WORK!

So here I am. Nine weeks down the line with nothing but a headache to show for it and having reached the conclusion that I will never use this company again. I would seriously dear reader that you do the same. They're kind of like fair weather friends, when it works everything is peachy but when something goes wrong they just don't want to know.

And it appears I’m not alone in my opinion...

http://www.complaintsboard.com/bycompany/playcom-a92291.html

Play.com you truly managed the perfect example of an epic fail, what a complete and utter joke.

Access Denied

Travelcards are a wonderful thing if you work in London, no queuing for tickets or anything like that, you just swipe and go. But, unlike Oystercards they have one massive flaw, the fact that if they come into close proximity to well just about anything the strip demagnetises and stops working. The things that we're told can do are credit cards, mobile phones or any magnets (seeing as a lot of handbags have magnetised catches this can really become awkward for women). When this happens the ticket needs reprinting, which you'd probably imagine is a fairly simple task. Well yes, unless (like me) you have an annual ticket purchased through your workplace. Because apparently even though these are still valid tickets with the train company, their details are not stored by said train company and in order to replace them you need letters and details and all manner of hoop jumping requirements.

As I was travelling back yesterday I was chatting to a friend from work about needing a replacement ticket, as mine is working but being around seven months old the printing on it is massively faded. I was saying that my concern was if it decided to stop working I wasn't convinced that the station staff would be able to read it and therefore would let me travel.

So of course it had to happen today...

When I arrived at the train station this morning the train was already on the platform, but I had time to whizz through and board. Or I would do if my ticket hadn't issued that lovely tone as it went through the machine meaning "NO ENTRY - DENIED!!!".

I swore, the woman behind me swore, basically no one was particularly happy with this turn of events. Thankfully I could see a guard not far off on the platform.

"Excuse me mate, sorry but my ticket isn't working. Could you please let me through?"

He stared at me as if I'd crawled out of a dung heap... I mean how dare I expect him to be helpful, and after I'd asked so rudely?!

He slowly sauntered towards the barriers with a half grin, clearly unconcerned as to whether or not I made it onto the train and performed the incredibly complicated function to open the gate without a ticket, be turned the key. Now I'm sure he was quite happy in his little hut out of the slightly cold wind, I mean the audacity of me thinking that asking him politely to do the job he's paid for is just sooo beyond the pale!!!

Ah well, I made the train despite of his little ego boosting power trip and my I've requested all the info from work to get the little piece of paper reprinted. If only they would allow Oystercards out as far as I am, would save them a fortune and their customers a lot of stress!! I just hope they still accept my ticket to get me home tonight!

It's total sod's law though!! lol!!!

Blind Or Callous?

The one thing that really genuinely annoys me on the underground is the utter lack of consideration given to pregnant women.

Boarded the tube this morning and ended up standing between the two rows of seats facing each other. When we reached Embankment the woman sat closest to the doors stood and disembarked and I was promptly shunted out of the way by another woman wanting the seat. To be honest I'm not that bothered about needing a seat, I'm not ninety nor am I in bad health plus it means not sitting on the who knows what that is ingrained into the fabric...! Two short stops later she got up and got off, well thank god she sat down or she might've collapsed from the strain!!! Okay, this drives me crazy but it's not what actually bothered me.

Sat next to her was a rather pregnant woman. When she sat down she did so very heavily and for those of you who don't know the underground this causes the neighbouring seat to buck you up in the air. At at least seven months pregnant I can't imagine this was a pleasant sensation. Then the pregnant lady fumbled her umbrella and dropped it. Simply put, at her advanced stage of pregnancy she simply couldn't reach the floor to get it, and her rather charming neighbour completely ignored her struggle regardless of having very obviously noticed. So I quickly crouched down and, with a smile, handed the umbrella back to her. The look of surprised appreciation was lovely but just wish people showing simple consideration wasn't such a rarity that it's met with surprise.

The way I figure it is if I was pregnant or someone close to me was I'd like to think people would help if they could over simple moments of thoughtfulness. Is it really that much to ask? It took me a matter of seconds to retrieve this particular woman's umbrella, and it made her day a little nicer, surely that's always going to both worth it? And I have never been able to understand how people can watch someone struggling and just not give a damn.

These two women got off at the same stop, I may have "accidentally" stood in the way of the other one so the pregnant lady could get off first... Shame... *innocent grin*

Office With A View

With the move to our new office my route to and from work from the tube station has obviously altered as well, and to be honest it’s a lot nicer. Instead of McDonalds followed by grimy station followed by road that is a total nightmare to get across, I now have a walk down a lighter side of the station followed by a walk down the canal, through an amphitheatre style square and into the office. Sounds nice doesn’t it?

And that’s what I thought too, until I looked a little closer at the canal. Mmmmm, pretty....

On the plus side there’s a canal boat down there called Iron Maiden, sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!!

Monday Morning Blues

Woke up this mornin'

Wish it was Sunday instead

The shower is callin'

But I'd rather be in bed

I got the blues

Those funky Monday mornin' blues

I don't wanna go to work, but it's another week of payin' my dues

Out to the bus stop

Sunglasses on

Standin' around just waitin'

Think the timetable is a con

I got the blues

Those funky Monday mornin' blues

I don't wanna go to work, but it's another week of payin' my dues

Miss the train by a minute

Settle down to wait

My duvet's still callin'

And now I'm gonna be late

I got the blues

Those funky Monday mornin' blues

I don't wanna go to work, but it's another week of payin' my dues

Finally make it to London

Tube train is packed

Try to get a seat

But I won't and that's a fact

I got the blues

Those funky Monday mornin' blues

I don't wanna go to work, but it's another week of payin' my dues

I've got those Monday mornin' blues

Those funky Monday mornin' blues

Sorry I Didn't Realise That Seat Was Taken...!

There's something I see most days that makes me chuckle, and this morning I was on the receiving end.

There is always one person on the train who seems to think their jacket and/or bag desperately needs a seat all to itself. I guess that said intimate object has some sort of issues regarding it's personal space, or lack thereof.

This morning as I boarded the train I saw an empty seat against the window in a set of two, currently occupied by the jacket of the man sitting in that aisle seat. So I politely said excuse me and indicated I would like to sit down. This assertion was immediately met with a scowl and some tutting followed by the removal of his jacket with as little graciousness as he could possibly summon.

Now being a woman I genuinely sympathise. Unlike men we tend to have a handbag and as I carry a fair amount of things to and from London everyday mine is rather large. I hate having it sat on my lap whilst trying to get comfy but as I won't leave it on the floor and don't like storing it on the shelf above that's kind of my problem and so I accept it. But what on earth makes someone think they can take up two seats on a busy commuter train because they don't want their (very light looking) jacket on their laps?

To be fair they can think it all they like, it ain't happening. Unless the jacket was a ploy and I actually sat on his invisible friend... As laughable as it is there are some really strange people around and I can't discount it completely. Oh well, I hope at least his invisible friend enjoyed having a blonde sat on their lap for half an hour...!

Short And Sweet, And A Little Greasy...

I've had a request for a blog topic from a friend, so here we go mate this is for you.

Sausages. Mmmmmm.

Warning - Sweary Sweary Rant Rant!

I have recently moved office, my new office location means it takes me a little longer to reach my tube station but once there same journey length. So in order to make my regular train I really need to get a shift on. Which is what I did today.

I bolted out of my office like a cat with it's tail on fire and fast walked to the tube, and made bloody good time. Straight onto a tube, wicked. On track to easily make my train, frickin' awesome. Stopped at Embankment, still plenty of time, one stop to go. Just waiting for the doors to shut. So I waited, and waited and got an announcement that there was signal failure, use of alternative routes recommended. Shit!

Okay I can do this, I'm a fast walker and I've only got to get over Hungerford Bridge and over to Waterloo.

To the fucking moron who blocked the escalator leaving the Bakerloo line - Maybe in future at rush hour in London you should move your fat arse out of people's way?! And stopping dead at the top of the exit? Twat!!!!

To the group of people meandering slowly across the bridge eight abreast - Are you mentally fucking retarded?! See all these stressed and pissed off looks you're getting? You deserve every sodding one! Wankers!!!

Slight off topic one to the rushing guy who barged a woman with a pram out of your way on the steps into the station - You're a fucking reprehensible excuse for a human being! What would you feel if someone did that to your wife and child you prick?!

To the group of people blocking half of the Waterloo concourse by walking the speed of a disabled sloth - what the fuck is your problem?! Rush hour? Main London station? Are you stupid, callous or just epic epic assholes?!

All of you dickheads combined led to me getting to the platform just in time to see my train pulling out, and leaving me with half an hour standing around this station waiting for my next train nothing to do but to post this bloody rant! Twunts!!!!

How To Not Get A Drink

There seem to be a large amount of people in this world who seem determined to avoid being served drinks in pubs through the application of some carefully planned and varied techniques. I'm sure you, like them, would like to be able to so skilfully sidestep the danger of actually getting a barmaid to provide alcohol and so I thought I would share their wisdom. 

- Make sure you are talking on your mobile when you walk up to the bar, and make sure you don't say please as well. Oh and if you want to be completely sure of not being served don't bother even speaking, just grunt and point at what you want whilst continuing your conversation on the phone.

- Point out very loudly that you were next while the previous person is still being served. Nothing like obnoxiously assuming the person serving has the attention span of a gnat to get them to skip you and serve the next person, as we do actually know the order people arrived at the bar.

- Wave money at the bartender to let them know you're there. They'll obviously then work out you're a rude jackass and you'll dextrously  dodge that alcohol we serve.

- Make sure you enter the premises in a large group, about twenty should do, and then ask each person repeatedly what they want to drink. By the time you've gotten around to repeating it back to the person serving we've probably got bored of waiting on you and will be serving someone else. Alcohol dodging win!!

- If you do inadvertently start the process of being served a drink, make sure it's a large round and when it's finished order a pint of Guinness. You may have accidentally been served a drink but after a twatish move like that you'll be in no danger of getting a second one!

Follow these simple guidelines and you should have no problem avoiding getting served a drink. And if all else fails just talk to the staff like we're all retarded morons cos that will remove all problems; and also your presence from the establishment...!

Little Wonders

There are some things that just make me smile of a morning commute, and today was a good one to be fair.

- The bus turning up on time for a change.

- The driver of said bus being a really friendly chatty person; given my journey is short I often chat if I've seen them before.

- Rushing to make the closing doors of my train and missing them, but then being called over by the conductor who saw me and held a door open for me (seriously rare and appreciated!).

- Getting my usual seat on the train even though I boarded late which means I'm not squished and can curl up against the wall.

- Realising that I was wrong and I actually did remember my iPod so could sit writing contentedly with my music keeping my foot tapping happily.

- Seeing someone actually get up to offer their seat to a rather pregnant woman without anything needing to be said.

- Seeing the idiot who brought his bike on a train that doesn't allow cycles trip over his own pedals, leading me to laugh out loud and bury my head in my phone pretending I'm laughing at something else...

It doesn't take much to make a commuter's morning a little nicer, definitely a plus when it all comes together.

To Drink Or Not To Drink...

The heavens are conspiring to drive me to drink, seriously. It's currently lamping down with rain whilst I stare disconsolately out of the window of the train. Once I get to my stop I have a twenty minute walk home, in this weather. Or I could go to the pub across the road from the station, about two hundred yards and wait for the rain to stop...

If rain forces you into shelter and that shelter just so happens to serve alcohol it's technically not your fault when you have a drink right? Right...?!