New Years Fun 'n' Games!

Christmas is over and now New Years is fast approaching with all it's fun and frolics. So what are we all doing for it? There are a few exciting options -

1) A pub/club.

With this choice you get to pay a fuckload to walk into a premise that you can walk into every other day of the year without paying an additional penny, fun no? Then of course you have the overpriced "New Years cocktails", also known as a vodka and cranberry because IT'S NEW YEARS! Then you fork out three times going price for a glass (if you're lucky) or more likely a bottle of crappy fizz, I refuse to call this shite champagne, to toast the midnight hour. The music is loud, and invariably cheesy and crap, and most often DJ'd by some jumped up little twerp who has been legally allowed to drink for about the last five minutes... So expect a lovely little combo mix of songs that were released last week, because he's "current", and baaaad eighties trash (not the good stuff unfortunately) because he's "retro"... All in all it'll be a largely overpriced evening punctuated with bad entertainment and even worse company. But hey, you bought a ticket, so at least it's exclusive!!

2) House Party

Everyone is broke or refuses to pay up for tickets, so a house party seems the way to go. All the guests bring a little something, the host/ess lays on some food, and there are invariably some "funny" party games to be played. When I say funny, it usually IS with the best intentions meant be be funny, but is still most often shit... Or there's always the theme party, now aren't they just hysterical!! ;)
The music is even more dangerous at these gatherings, because you know whoever set up the playlist has spent weeks working on it, but most of it is to their taste and no one else's! Or you could go for the safer option of playing MTV in the background at the risk that the channel will be playing kak and people now think you're inherently lazy because you couldn't be bothered to actually write a playlist, no matter how shit it would've been!
And these nights end one way, people slowly drift off until you have the "hardcore" (read bored) remaining few who continue to drink until the sun comes up and they pass out in various poses around the house. Classy yeah?

3) Stay In Solo/Paired

You don't want to or can't go out, nor do you want people invading your home, so you decide to spend the evening in. After all, it's just one night.
Nothing says rock n roll quite so eloquently as a quiet night in on New Years Eve. Maybe you have a nice meal, a few nice drinks, you see in the midnight stroke either on your own or with your significant other before you quietly finish your drink and head for bed.
This largely means you're getting old, or you have no friends. It's not a good look for anyone, bearing in mind the last time you spent NYE home alone was when you were about fourteen... Next year maybe you should work on your social life?


So there you have it, your exciting three main options for the overhyped crapfest that is New Years. None of them are exactly perfection personified, and yet none of them are quite so rubbish that you don't try it all over again next year. So make your choice, and accept your fate. Happy 2013 everyone, may you enjoy the last night of 2012 in hopefully acceptable style! Cheers! :)

Seriously You Doomsday Freaks?!

So now apparently people have had it wrong for years, the Mayans predicted the end of the world on Christmas Eve... Oh are you having a fucking laugh?! Clutching at straws much freaks?

No matter how many times they are proved wrong these crazies are going to constantly come up with another date when the world will end. I know one day it will, it has to eventually, BUT pleeeeease can it not be on any date they say because I really don't want them to have even a moment of "See? We were right!" That would just be the second moment fucking annoying thing, the first obviously being the end of the world...! And annoying being a very mild reaction to it! Lol!!

It's a bit like the prophecies of Nostradamus, apparently they tie in to the events of September 11th. Not being funny but years and years later something was going to eventually happen that matched to roughly what he predicted, kind of handy he didn't mention a timeframe isn't it?! You can make anything fit a prophecy given enough time and artistic license.

So let me state this simply. The world DIDN'T end on December 21st, it WON'T end on December 24th and unless someone hands me a prophecy with a specific date and it happens on that date no one is EVER going to convince me of the power of prophecy. Obviously I'm open to being proved wrong, but let's face it, how likely is it really?

But if the world does end can we please start with the Westboro Baptist Church, because in all reality, they are the most deserving. Scarily they agree, so maybe we could just lie, set a lot of fires and get rid of them? They'd never know it was fake... ;)

Christmas Ranticles

Almost time for the Christmas sales to begin, but this year apparently it's controversial... How can you have a controversial sale I hear you ask? Well apparently a few of the big name stores are starting their sales online on Christmas Day. Um, so what...? It's annoyed the church, they're concerned it'll take away from the true meaning of Christmas... What, presents? That's the meaning of Christmas these days isn't it? Yeah I think we'll still be happily opening presents. Ooooooh you mean the whole "birth of Christ" bit? Who wasn't born on Christmas, didn't die at Christmas, in fact NOTHING happened to him at Christmas! The only reason Christmas Day was chosen as a religious holiday in the Christian calendar is because it was the date of a pagan celebration, so using the same date made it easier to sway pagans to a new way of thinking! So we're actually getting pissed all day Tuesday because of the Druids, nice one robey boys! ;)

So it's about presents, granted not to all, but to a lot of people. Presents, way too much food, and way too much booze. And on the subject of presents, bloody hell how much do people spend on their kids?! One friend told me her SEVEN YEAR OLD's list to Santa included an iPod, iPad, and a PS3!! Now I know myself and my brother were spoilt at Christmas but my memory was one big present (which was usually a big Lego set for me) and then loads of little things. I can't remember them ever spending the amount of money (with inflation taken into consideration before anyone says it) that people do now! I doubt I would've even asked for that much expensive stuff! Maybe I did and I can't remember, but I'm pretty sure my parents would've just laughed!

And don't even get me started on that steaming pile of crap that is "NORAD". I mean seriously, are people retarded that they sit watching this?! I get it if you have little kids but the amount of people who don't even have children that I know watch this is bloody ridiculous!! Who actually believes, regardless of age, that those videos are real?! The guy looks like a freaky Grinch version of Homer Simpson as Santa! It's more creepy than it is cute!

My stepson is eleven, he still believes in Santa, personally I think that's weird but hey I'm not going to be the one who tells him it's bollocks. Hmm, hope he doesn't get his hands on my blog...! ;)

Pre Xmas Pub Numpties

Seeing as I'm not working at the moment I've gone back to doing some bar shifts as it a) helps out the friends who run a pub and b) gets me a few wine tokens and stops me drinking my redundancy. ;)

Last night I was behind the bar for what police call Black Friday and what I call Fucked Up Friday. For those who don't know the drill, the last Friday before Christmas is always a total pissed up moronfest! To be honest, where I work we don't get any real trouble but that doesn't make us immune to idiots. So lovely people, here's the stuff you can do to make it onto my Christmas Pub Sinners list...

1) Complain about waiting five minutes to be served at a bar that is several deep and behind which both bar staff are run off their feet. Feel free to get annoyed with us if we're stood about doing nothing but when we haven't stopped in several hours we're hardly slacking, we're just fucking busy okay?!

2) Come up with stupid "I'm special" type requests. It's not unusual for pubs to shut the door at a certain time and stop letting new customers in. Last night we locked the doors at eleven, not exactly early. So when someone bangs on the door and I go over and tell them I'm sorry but it's no access after eleven, you bellowing over my shoulder "Oh let them in, they're friends of mine!!" does not matter a damn to me. They could be fucking royalty but if they turn up past the time we've locked the doors that's just too damn bad!
Oh and "we come here every Friday" doesn't cut it either!

3) Decide in your infinite wisdom to start smoking weed outside our front door. Guess what? I catch you, you're gone. No excuses, no explanations, done. Got it?!

4) Start talking to the staff like they're morons. One guy last night started shouting abuse at one of the other girls I was working with. Anyone wanna guess how many more drinks he had with us? Yep, jackus shittus as the Roman publicans likely said...! We're here to serve your drinks, not take your alcohol fuelled bullshit, and we won't take it either. Or at least no one working will be taking that crap when I'm also behind the bar!

5) Get your friends to physically hold you up because you're too drunk to stand, and then try to order another drink. Do I really need to explain why this one is a no?

6) Shout at us because we don't sell cigarettes. We. Don't. Sell. Fags. Do some fucking planning and go to a fucking shop BEFORE coming out to the pub. Dick!

7) Become deaf when you're told it's drinking up time. You will lose your drink, people learnt this little lesson last night. Well done douchecanoes, that was a waste of money! We stop serving at one, half an hour is not an "unreasonably short" time to finish what's in front of you really is it? Tell you what, remember all those boasts that you can "down a pint in ten seconds"? Prove it...

8) Not take the hint when cracking onto a barmaid. I don't wear a wedding ring for a laugh, I wear it because I'm married. And funnily enough some weedy eighteen year old drunken twat is unlikely to convince me to forego my wedding vows. And when I say "unlikely" I mean NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!!! Got it? Good!

So yeah, a little thought goes a long way, and stops us laughing at you. Give it a try!

Go Clean Out The Car Kid...

I'm all for kids doing chores, that was how I earned pocket money when I was at home, and I think teaching kids that everything doesn't just get handed to them on a plate is a good thing, but I also believe you should pick them carefully, and sometimes they're not the best idea.

After my craptastic drive over to my mate's I was treated to a bit of amusement outside to lighten my mood. I was getting ready to leave and was in his kitchen when I happened to look out of the window. Below us, parked in front of my car was the neighbour's car with all the doors open and their son was cleaning it out and hoovering it. Great idea I thought until I looked closer, and realised there were empty wine bottles scattered all around the car... WTF?! Two things spring to mind people -

1) What the hell has been going on in your car for there to be that many empty wine bottles that need clearing out of it?!
2) What the hell is your kid thinking? "Today I learnt that mummy and daddy are raging alcoholics... Yaaaaay, I learnt something today!!"

Seriously what the feck goes through some people's minds?! I'm certainly not averse to a glass of wine or six, and I've been known to be the designated driver who before we have an end of evening drink runs to the shops to pick up a few bottles of wine. But we, without fail, bring the wine INSIDE to drink it!!

I think the next door neighbours have some issues... ;)

Driving Me Round The Sodding Twist!!!

Sooooo, when I decided to not go back to work this year and do my book instead one of my first thoughts was I would get a break from the rampant stupidity displayed every day on the tube, but what I forgot to take into consideration was I would be leaving myself open to the abject stupidity of other people's lives, namely their epic driving skills...

Now today my father in law kindly offered to take the school run off my hands, thereby giving me time to do my own thing and get some writing done, very much appreciated! One thing I did need to do was get my arse round to my friend's place to pick up my portion of our order for oils n' stuff for our wonderful smoking gizmos. No problem, all I had to do was drop by a cash point and then drive the two miles to his, nice and easy yeah? NO! It took me twenty bloody minutes to do a three minute drive!!!

Firstly, the cashpoint stop. There is one right by my mum's so the cunning plan was out of my road, thirty seconds to hers and pick up cash, plus it's on the way. I didn't even make it out of my road before epic stupidity reared it's butt ugly head. There are two lanes to get out of my road, one for left and straight on, one for right, pretty simple. Until some utter dickshit pulls up on the left, no problem so far, but leaves the car's back end sticking so far out it's not so much "parked" as it is ABANDONED!!!! Blocked the whole left lane and it took ages for everyone to creepy past in the right, dickhead!! And he was a taxi driver, even more annoying then! I've attached a pic for sharing of stupidity factor! Aaaargh!

Well I finally got past him, sailed through to my mum's and whacked the car into her parking space, ran to bank and shop and was on my way once more with no issue. "Great," thinks I, "I've left the idiots behind me." Oh no, stupid stupid thing to think, hello jinx you little shit!!

As I drove up to said mates I decided to have a giggle and had decided when I got there I would start shouting through his letterbox that I was there to pick up "the goods" and leave his neighbours thinking he was a drug dealer. Might not sound funny to all, but he would've seen the comedy so all good. ;)

Decided to take the back roads, quieter I figured, until I realised that there's a school on the way and it was school run time... Balls! I figured it'd be slow, but I no idea! I crawled my way past, being considerate and trying to force back the thoughts of carnage at the planks quite happily leading their children through moving traffic. Maybe they'd not bought the Christmas presents yet and figured if they got their kids run over it would save them some money...
Anyway, got to a point where the traffic just ground to a halt, and I don't mean for a minute, I didn't move for like ten minutes!! People were turning round behind me, but as I was about fifty feet from the turning I needed I was determined to stay the course! Finally we got moving and I found out why we had been stuck there for so long. Some twatty fuckstick had PARKED his farkin' BMW in the middle of the road while he walked down to meet his kids at the school gate! No, you didn't read that wrong. Parked, middle of road, twat!!

The school in question has a pretty crap reputation, but now I've worked out the kids aren't at fault at all. If that is the general level of logic applied by the parents how can those kids learn any sort of common sense!!! I mean seriously?! I thought them double width parking outside the gates was bad but at least those ones left one line open for traffic!
THEN he had the fucking gall to start swearing at the people who'd been gridlocked waiting for him as if we were being unreasonable for looking ever so slightly (or in my case monumentally) hacked off at his behaviour. Dude, your kid is screwed! The only actual "looking up" that kid could possibly do towards his dad will likely end the day he's no longer taller than him! Or at least I hope so, or the future is fucked!

Needless to say by the time I did actually get where I was going I was in no mood for puckish behaviour and instead poor mate had to listen to me rant for about five minutes over how retarded the drivers in this town are! Next time sod it, I'm going to pretend I'm live playing Grand Theft Auto and I'm mowing the freaks down!! I can't be the only person who'd have been happy if someone had stolen his bloody Beamer!

Oh tube morons, I miss you!! :/

Confessions Of A Vapist...

Last year I wrote about my decision to quit smoking, and I think my continued contribution into the pockets of the makers of Camel cigarettes proved that my efforts were somewhat failing... My husband's steadfast dedication to his nicotine fix certainly didn't help either, add a few glasses of wine and the answer to "Are you coming for a smoke?" annoyingly becomes a swift affirmative. Or at least it used to...

One of my best friends discovered something a few months ago, an e-cigarette known as the Odyssey. This little (and when I say little it is with a huge dose of tongue in cheek, it being one of the heftiest fake cigarettes I've ever seen) gizmo combines flavoured oil with a touch of nicotine and you're basically smoking water vapour once the battery is applied and the burner heats the oil.

Well I figured anything that could change someone from smoking a twenty deck a day, scarily at a cost of about £250 a month, to using just this Odyssey at about £35 a month for oils was worth a punt. So I bit the bullet and logged on to order one.

The next day my package of new "smoking" paraphernalia turned up and I excitedly tore into the box and put the Odyssey together. It takes five to ten minutes to prime the cartomizer which is where the oil burns and produces the steam, but other than that it's pretty quick to assemble. It also comes with two rechargeable batteries which is brilliant because otherwise you'd have to buy so many it would become ridiculously expensive! So anyway, it's all assembled, and I've primed and filled it with my oil of choice, I went for cherry which actually tastes like cherry drops for those my age, cherry lips for anyone younger... ;) Well, thought I, time to give it a try!

This is when I hit my little gripe at the Odyssey. Rechargeable batteries are brilliant, until you realise that you can't use any other batteries in it and the ones they send you arrive without any charge... So having bought and assembled your new toy, you can't use it for at least four hours wile the batteries charge. I think I gave up after three hours and put a partially charged one in there which was fine but still kind of annoying. For me it didn't make much a difference, I didn't smoke many a day at that point but for someone who does smoke heavily they probably end up doing five or six cigarettes while waiting to be able to quit smoking... Lol!!

This hurdle overcome I started on the Odyssey proper, and I'll tell you what, it's lovely! The flavours in the oils don't taste horribly chemical, they're actually very pleasant, although obviously some experimenting is needed to find the right flavour. Within a week I was a little sick of the cherry flavouring, but this might also have something to do with the cartomizer, as the original set comes with a single coil cartomizer which burns oil quite unevenly, burns it fast so you get through a lot of it initially and is also prone to flooding which means you end up with a touch of warm oil in your mouth; not pleasant I assure you!

At this point I'd probably had one cigarette in the week I'd been using the Odyssey, so it was working but the issues I was having and the amount of oil I was using was starting to put me off. On the advice of the friend who'd originally put me onto this path I ordered some dual coil cartomizers along with some new oil, this time I decided to try coconut.

Although I should've had them the next day it took a couple to turn up, though I would say that was due to Royal Mail's issue and not the company I ordered from. Once installed, primed and coconut'd I gave it another try. What a difference!!! The coconut was a nicer taste, to me anyway, the dual coil was much more efficient and gave me a smoother flavour as well as burning at a better rate. One pot of oil lasted me about a week with the initial combo of single coil and cherry, on the dual coil with the coconut it's lasted me three...!

So, now I've been using the Odyssey for four weeks basically, during which time I've not bought any cigarettes, I've still got five or six in the box I bought over a month ago sat in the living room, and I've had maybe four cigarettes at the pub. Two things with the ones I have had though -

1) I have only smoked cigarettes when I've run out of batteries so can't use the Odyssey.
2) The cigarettes I've had since moving off them? Tasted fucking vile!!!! Seriously how did I manage puffing on like five or ten of those things a day?! Bleugh!

So personally I'm sold, no smoke or tar, and you can choose the level of nicotine from 0 to 32mg per pot of oil. So if, like me, your addiction is more about the physical smoking rather than the nicotine it's perfect! At the moment I'm using the 8mg nicotine setting, it's the lowest one, but I think in a couple of weeks I'll just drop it down to 0mg.

So I think I can pretty much now say I don't smoke, I vape. Ladies and gentleman, I am a vapist!


Check it out for yourself those of you who smoke, you never know, you might like it!
www.totallywicked-eliquid.co.uk

mPads

Sooooo, MPs are to be given iPads at the cost of the taxpayer...? Really?! Explain this to me Mr Cameron.

I have recently obtained a shiny iPad 3 for myself. Note please Mr PM that I not only sourced this FOR myself but also BY myself. I have recently been made redundant and decided to spend part of my severance package on an iPad. I'm very glad I have, I love it to bits, it's great fun and it also provided my hubby with huge amusement when the same day I got it he managed to get a photo of me crashed out on the sofa that night hugging it... I probably should be embarrassed but you know what? It's that much fun that I'm not! ;)

So I entirely understand wanting one of these fab devices, in fact I'm typing this post on it. I don't, however, understand why MPs require one of these to do their jobs.

The government logic apparently is that they're offsetting the cost by making the recipients return PCs or laptops, but to be fair this wont actually help at all. iPads, or at least the new ones, cost at least four hundred pounds. Second hand laptops don't do anywhere near as well, in my experience. Plus iPads can't do flash players or Microsoft Office. So exactly what benefit is being gained from them? Or is it, as I'm more inclined to believe, that the MPs just want the pretty new toys to play with...?

So, they can afford this ridiculous luxury for the members of our illustrious parliament, but we can't afford to adequately equip our "armed" forces who go out and risk life and limb...?

I may not be the only voice in this country but I'd like to stand up and be counted as one of those who will happily say this frivolity is insane when there are genuinely good ways to spend this money. Rather than paying for our MPs to play Angry Birds on a big screen...
Though I'll admit it's fun, I paid for the privilege myself, so I'm allowed to giggle like a loony at the experience... ;)

Maybe they should think about doing the same?

Drifters

Traversing as I do through three separate train stations every day I have found out several things: -

1.       I am nowhere near as patient and tolerant of idiots as I thought I was.

2.       A lot of people who use trains and tubes are, regrettably, idiots.

3.       It’s practically a guarantee that the women snarking at me and my trainers in the mornings are invariably the women scowling at me and my trainers as I walk home comfortably and they’re crippled in their stiletto heels.

4.       You will, every day without fail, encounter drifters.

No I don’t mean these packets of chocolaty goodness...

I mean the people who for no reason feel the need to drift from side to side whilst walking through the stations directly into your path, or at the very least force you further and further over until you’re practically climbing the wall you are now plastered to!

Now maybe I’m being harsh, but I’m thinking when you learnt to walk, you also learnt to walk in a straight line? I mean how the every living fuck would these people so much as pass a sobriety test?! How the hell do they manage to drive cars? Or do they drift from lane to lane on the motorway as well?

Not only are these people the bane of my “I quite like walking fast” existence but they also seem to default to a setting where they drift in front of you, and then slow down! Aaaaaaargh, seriously people?!

It’s really very simple. You are going from A to B, the sensible idea would be to travel between these two points in a straight line thereby minimising the time it takes to arrive at point B, and also the amount of energy required for said traveling. So walking in some numpty, idiot, ziggy zaggy, wibbly wobbly route serves to benefit exactly… um… NO  ONE!!!!! Stop it!

There is the possibility that I’m being unfair, that all of these people actually suffer from a so far undiagnosed illness which means it is entirely inconceivable for them to walk in a straight line.



Okay, it’s possible. But let’s face it, it’s pretty bloody unlikely; which leaves us with one of two possible hypotheses. The first is that they have an amazing craptastic sense of balance which makes them swerve from side to side without realising that they are, in fact, walking in a manner similar to drunk people. Or two, they’re actually doing it on purpose.

Okay, I can be a little cynical, but I’m convinced they’re doing it to royally piss me off. I cannot seriously believe that this many people every single day walk like this without knowing they’re doing it! So it is just me, or is it other people finding this too? I am seriously debating starting to wear jackets with spikes on the elbow, maybe then they’ll learn to walk properly…!!!



Something like that perhaps...?

;)

Times, They Are A Changing...

After my previous company related Facebook status I can confirm I am one of those being made redundant. This will have two noticeable effects on Confined Sinners.

1) I will have a lot more time to write my blogs.
2) I will have a lot less ammo with which to write about...

Hmm, well let's see. I mean I have branched out in the past to non commuter thoughts, so this will give me the opportunity to investigate that avenue of thought more thoroughly. The other thing is I will still be travelling into London for agency meetings and hopefully interviews so travelling at a different time of day could give me a new type of weirdo to talk about... ;)

Silver linings people, onwards and upwards!!

Forgotten Something…?

You all know the situation, you’ve left home, most likely got all the way to work and you suddenly realise what you’ve done… Your mobile, your lifeline to the world as a whole, and depending on the model your games console is sat back at home, abandoned!

Your heart starts to race, sweat slicks your palms as you realise that not only do you have nothing to play with, but NO ONE CAN CONTACT YOU! Oh my god, what the hell do you do now?! If, like me, you work miles from home you certainly can’t go back for it. You know how popular you are and you can just envision the multitude of text messages piling up as people struggle to get in touch. The missed call log will most likely be maxed out already; I mean how many messages can one phone hold?!

And how worried must all the people who can’t get in touch be?! They must think you’re ill, possibly even been hospitalised! Or maybe they’re getting upset because they think you’re ignoring them! I mean it does happen, we’ve all put our phones on silent and forgotten about it. It could be sat in your desk drawer, or your handbag, or your jacket buzzing silently and you’re just choosing to pass up the opportunity to talk to them!

The unending tirade stalks through your mind all day, you can’t relax, you can’t concentrate. All you can think about is the phone sat on your beside table being overrun with contacts that you just can’t hear. It’s a torment, not to mention all the time you’re missing on Angry Birds or some other game addiction. And what are you going to do on your journey home?! I mean it’s alright for you driving commuters who wouldn’t have time to use the phone anyway, but for us poor souls consigned to the long train ride home with no music or anything!!!

Finally, the day finishing and you burst out of the office and race for home. How long will it take you to catch up on all those messages, calls and texts?! The commute seems to last forever but at last it’s over, you’re home and the work can begin. You bolt through the door, panic reaching a crescendo as you search for your missing media appendage. You spot it and dash across the room, snatching it up in one quick manoeuvre, and activate the screen...

 

Seriously?! Mother fuckers!!! Well I don’t want to damn well talk to you either!!

Congratulations London Commuter - All Time Low

I do see some pretty shitty things on my commute, largely on the Underground, but most of them just roll over me as one of those things. But yesterday, yeah this one is going to stay with me for a while!

So there I was, on my way home, and best part of a million miles away with my head in a book. The day had been uneventful and nothing had really jumped out. Until I set foot on my tube when homeward bound. Several passengers behind me in the "boarding line" was a pregnant woman, who I didn't notice until she had got on board and was already seated. Once I did notice her, as there were no seats available, I decided to offer her my seat as I would normally do. Before I could get up and get her attention however I noticed her lean towards the guy sat in one of the "priority seats" and ask if he could please move so she could sit down.

He said no.

Yes really, he fucking said no! I mean what the fucking hell is wrong with this bloke?! It's really very simple, if there is someone who needs that seat, especially a priority seat, more than you do, YOU SHIFT YOUR ARSE! To me this isn't a complicated logical step, it's normal, it's the decent thing to do, it's a simple courtesy to our fellow human beings to consider their situation and prioritise it above your own.

The lady next to El Douchebag DID get up and the pregnant lady thanked her very graciously and sat down. But here's the thing, this meant that for the rest of her tube journey she had to sit next to this craptastic piece of work! And he did everything to avoid eye contact, looking completely unperterbed by the way he had acted.

I so desperately wanted to say something, but she looked so drained by it all that I didn't have the heart to cause her more hassle. Seriously though people have some consideration, I know us commuters are assholes at times but there are some thing you just don't do!!!! And El Douchebag, if you're reading this, I hope for your sake that you don't pull this shite on another train I'm on, cos I don't think I could swallow the compunction to deck you twice...!

Things You Just Don't Miss

Have you ever noticed that things that don't phase you when you're doing a job still reach the list of "Things I Don't Miss" once you leave it? I've given up the second job now so no more bar work. I do miss it although there are certain instances I really don't miss dealing with. And here's some of the particular events that make this list!

I don't miss dealing with people when they are officially "fall down" drunk. We had a lady come in once, about forties or so and from Thailand I believe. She was sculling Fosters like it was going out of fashion and was getting a bit (massively) trashed, so we decided to stop serving her.
She then vanished into the ladies toilet and was gone for a good fifteen minutes. Finally we went for the age old technique of rock, paper, scissors and I lost so I had to go looking. No amount of banging on the door or shouting was getting a response which really only left me with one course of action - get out a coin to jimmy the lock and go in anyway. Now this sounds bad, but bear in mind for all I know she's had a heart attack so I got the coin out and unlocked the door, which proceeded to still not budge.
After a fair bit of hefty pushing, and a large amount of swearing, I finally worked out I couldn't get it open properly because she had actually passed out across the door... with her pants still down... mid ablution... Oh wonderful!
I eventually got the door open enough to get inside and by getting my arms under hers I just about got her on her feet and got her pants up, whilst straddling my legs wide, in case she hadn't finished peeing.
We got rid of her in the end, and she got safely home, but I do not miss forcing a toilet door to be confronted by a naked forty year old woman's arse lying in her own urine.

I don't miss idiots at the end of last orders convinced they get special treatment and that the staff getting louder and louder about everyone leaving aren't actually referring to them.
One guy in particular, who I doubt will ever read this, was awful for it. His girlfriend worked behind the bar so he figured that translated to "you can stay here drinking all night long if you like"... Um, no dude.
Normally the conversation went like this -

Me - Time to drink up ladies and gents.
Idiot Boy - I haven't finished.
Me - Well finish up or it's going down the drain.
Him - What's your problem? I'm waiting for my girlfriend!
Me - Not a problem but I still need the beer gone, we want to close up and go home.
Him - Why are you in such a rush?
Me - I've been up since half six, commuted three hours and just finished my second job. It's gone half one in the morning and I want to go home.
Him - Stop complaining, I've been here all night too!!

*sigh* Explaining to a drunk moron that spending all night drinking doesn't compare with spending all night serving people drinks is a waste of time so I stopped bothering after a while. The night usually ended with me binning his drink and him throwing a temper tantrum.
Dating one of the bar staff doesn't mean you can act like an asshole, it just means your significant other gives you a bollocking about it if you do when you get home!
I do not miss self important twats.

I don't miss people assuming I'm unintelligent because I do bar work. Yes I'm blonde, yes I work (at the time) behind a bar, no I'm not an idiot. People often come to the wrong conclusion about us, the only thing that makes us idiots is putting up with the crap we sometimes get!
The following is my favourite ever example.

Couple arguing about the currency of Turkey at the end of the bar, this had been going on for some time.
Me - Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt but it's Turkish Lira.
Him - What?
Me - She's right, it's Turkish Lira, not Euros.
Him - Well what the hell would you know?!
Me - I beg your pardon?
Him - You're a blonde barmaid who's obviously never been out of this town in her life and you're lecturing ME on currency?
Me - Yes of course sir, you're right. The fact that I'm a (part) qualified accountant who does a second job behind a bar is neither here not there. Neither is the fact that I've lived in three countries in my life so far, one of them being Turkey... So how could I possibly know anything about it? I'll leave you to your conversation but I would suggest in parting that you don't invest in the foreign exchange market, seeing as it would appear your understanding of currency is somewhat lacking..."
Him - ....
Her - *giggle*

It's not as easy a job as everyone thinks, give us some credit.
I do not miss obnoxious people who, often incorrectly, assume their greater intelligence due to the location we're stood in a drinking establishment.

I miss a lot about it, but there are certainly things I just do not miss. But on the plus side those things give me posts like these! ;)

Step Up London!

I do enjoy writing this little blog, I find it has several benefits. Firstly I get to make people laugh, well hopefully anyway, and secondly it gives me somewhere to let off steam in an entertaining fashion about the masses of idiots that populate the capital.

There is however one big drawback, and that is I am entirely reliant on these idiots in order to supply me with ammunition for my observations. I do, in fact, spend a large portion of my commuting time watching the people around me and hoping someone says or does something stupid, and preferably funny.

In the last couple of weeks the strange portion of the population is severely lacking, maybe I should log a missing persons report? Although I'm fairly sure the Metropolitan Police Service are likely at that point to tell me to bugger off and stop wasting their time...

So my lack of postings lately is down to this, the will is there but the morons aren't! So if any of you know where they've gone could you direct them onto my route? It'd be much appreciated and I promise to reward you with chuckles!

Twatter

Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat. I do not like Twitter. It’s Facebook without photos. It’s egotism gone viral. It’s blogging for lazy people. If anyone can actually explain to me why this virus has become so popular I will be amazed!

“Oh but you can follow your favourite celebrities...!”
Soooooo, stalking made legal?

“You can get Sickipedia’s joke of the day!”
They have a website, with loads of them, variety is the spice of life my friend.

“Your friends can follow your ‘tweets’!”
Again, Facebook without the photos...

“I know people who’ve met their partner on there!”
Yes, and that’s also happened on internet dating... Or in real life... It doesn’t make it special!!!

I can’t find a redeeming feature to this insane obsession. Do people actually think that the Z list celebs they are following give a single tiny rat’s ass about them?! OMG thinks Cheryl “I Can’t Sing” Cole, Dave Bloggs from Dunstable is following MY Twitter?! I’ve made the big time baby!!!

Nope, sorry. Hate it.

But I have now found one thing I hate even more than Twitter, largely because it doesn’t make sense. Now listen carefully boys and girls, this is very important information I’m sharing here.

HASHTAGS. DON’T. FUCKING. WORK. ON. FACEBOOK. USING THEM DOESN’T MAKE YOU LOOK COOL, IT MAKES YOUR STATUS LOOK DEFORMED!!!! STOP IT!!!!!!

That is the end of this public service announcement. Thank you.

Posh, You're Doing It Not Quite Right...

In the run up to the Jubilee there seems to be things on at Buckingham Palace daily, and as my route home takes me past there each day I've seen a multitude of suited and booted pouring out of the palace gates each night.

Some people seem to be finding it massively irritating, muttering and growling as they make their way through the throng. I can half see their point, Esther Rantzen almost walked smack into me last week, yes it's busy and it's slowing everyone down. But I can't be bothered getting all wound up over it, to be honest I love getting all dressed up so I'm enjoying seeing all the frills and frippery! And there's something amusing about walking down a car free Mall, plus the flags do look quite pretty!

One couple tonight though really made me smile, well actually they made me laugh so hard that the police officers on duty were giving me some distinctly strange looks!

This couple were walking in front of me, I'd guess them at around early sixties. She was looking rather pretty in a floral dress and a nice hat and he'd gone for the full top and tails which I always think looks nice. They crossed off the Mall towards the cars all parked up down the side of the road, and there were some really nice cars there! Unfortunately they obviously didn't own one as they proceeded to clamber in to a battered old camper van and drive off...

Okay, what the hell?! You're at a palace function, you're all nicely turned out and you decided to drive up in that?! Please, come on, you could've at least got a cab from the station because sorry but it looked so out of place and amusing that I near as damn it hit the ground in fits of laughter!

I truly do love this city, and it's oftentimes eccentric people!

War Paint

After my post yesterday I had it pointed out that you also get "those looks" if you're female and headed for work not wearing make up. This feeling I know all too well so I thought I'd quickly address it.

I don't put makeup on before I get to work, ever. The amount of looks I get in the morning for daring to leave my home without war paint is high, and highly amusing.

Now I could explain using the better sounding logic, which is that I am lucky enough to have very good skin and I don't really need much makeup. I don't use foundation, blusher or any other "base" style makeup. But that doesn't explain why I wear none. That explanation is really simple. Every morning, at some point, without fail before reaching my office because I'm tired I will rub my eyes. So if I'm wearing mascara at this point I arrive at work looking somewhat like a blonde panda... Not the sexiest of looks, I'm sure you'll agree, so I take the required steps to simply avoid it!

The other thing is I'm not one who believes that a woman needs to be wearing makeup in order to do her job. I work in an office, I rarely have external meetings and quite simply I don't need to be a painted lady!

I know a lot of women don't like being seen without their makeup, sadly though a large proportion of these women also don't seem to believe you've got makeup on until it's been layered on by trowel and is six inches thick.
Guys, please, do you really find this attractive? Cos personally I don't get it.

Each to their own, if you want to wear it all the time go right ahead, not my business. But it's also not yours that some of us are comfortable enough without it. So please stow the catty looks, you're creasing your foundation...

Really Daaahling, What Are You Wearing?!

I've been off my walking for over a week, unfortunately I got bitch slapped by the flu and didn't think it was a great idea to keep walking when I was coughing every ten seconds...!

But today I'm back baybeey! The cough has almost completely gone and I'm pushing myself back to my exercise. Plus my company step challenge started today so I need me some high numbers! ;)

So this morning I bounced (aka crawled) out of bed with good intentions. I sang (grumbled) my way through my shower and dressing and strapped on my trainers with a bright smile (resentful scowl) and got my arse out of the door.

Twenty minutes or so later I was at the train station, and naturally at this point every morning I have a cigarette. Because is there truly any better way of rounding off exercise than putting toxic smoke into your lungs...?! Anyway, that's irrelevant, my point was the looks I get most mornings.

Snotty women staring at my trainers in disgust and smiling when they look down to see their heels arching proudly on their feet. Arrogant men staring at my track pants, t-shirt and rucksack whilst subconsciously smoothing their (not as expensive as they'd like us to think) business suits. School kids giving me the "Do you think THAT looks cool?!" glances fiddling with their hair to readjust that tiny strand that's out of place on their carefully gelled heads.

This is very simple people.

Yes lady, I'm wearing trainers, how shocking!!! I mean you'd almost think I do a lot of walking and that heels wouldn't be a sensible choice... Oh wait, I DO do that! And you're not looking quite so smug at the end of the day when I'm comfortably walking home and you're limping your sorry ass down the road! I keep my office heels where they're useful, in the office!!

As for you Mr Business Boy, chances are I have a better job than most of you, BUT I'm getting my exercise done and wearing a skirt and blouse wouldn't exactly suit that would it?! I have a change of clothes in my rucksack for what it matters but I don't need tailors to make me feel important, I know I'm good at my job no matter what I'm wearing!

Aaaaand the kids, the little brats hanging around in your uniforms. NO I DON'T THINK THIS LOOKS "COOL"! I think it's the right clothing for what I'm doing!!!
And you? Do not look "cool" either. You don't need the entire fat contents of a humpback whale to style your hair, smoking under age doesn't make you seem hard, and learn to chew gum with your fucking mouth shut!!

So you lot, stop and think about possible logic before you give someone a dumbass look for what they're wearing, or you might just end up being the one looking stupid...! While I will stroll on by, in my trainers. Just to rub it in... ;)

Iz It Cos I Iz Too Bootiful?!

I had to write about this, just had to, I mean come on people comedy gold doesn’t just come begging every day of the week!

Summary for those who have missed this recent amusement – Samantha Brick is a forty odd year old woman who is stating she is so beautiful that men basically are willing to do anything for her and these are strangers, and on the flip side women are jealous of her, don’t trust her around their husbands and she’s been penalised in the workplace for being too attractive.

Right luv, what planet are you on?! And lady, seriously, if you’re going to spout your undying belief of your physical attractiveness this loudly, maybe consider changing your surname? Brick?! Really...?

Anyway, let’s start with her claims of favours she has received: -

·         Stranger parking her car for her –

Well to get the obvious out of the way who the hell would hand over the keys to their car to some bloke they don’t know?! I’m betting this is going to happen more frequently now Samantha dear because they know you’ll pass the keys across and it makes their carjacking job a hell of a lot easier! It also has the plus side of watching your gormless confused look as they “park” your car several hundred miles away and don’t return the keys.

Here’s another wild and wacky possibility to explain this, maybe our dear Mrs Brick can’t park her car to save her life. So maybe this kind gentleman leapt to her assistance because he’d been sat behind her for the last hour while she tried unsuccessfully to park her car in a space that would fit an articulated lorry...?! Yes I know there are great women drivers, I’d say I’m pretty handy at it myself (don’t hate me cos you’re jealous), but there are also some atrocious ones and it is highly possible that she may well be one of these...

·         Stranger paying for her coffee –

Have you ever rushed into a coffee shop with very little time to spare and been brought up short by the epic size of the queue suddenly looming in your vision? Yep, me too. It’s happened to us all, and could quite possibly have something to do with this particular moment of “beauty induced chivalry”. By buying her coffee he could have easily got his own at the same time and saved himself some precious moments for the sake of a couple of pounds... Win/win?

·         Barmen refusing to let her pay the bar bill –

Okay this one genuinely irritated me. Bar staff, generally speaking, do not have the authority to hand out free drinks to whomsoever they desire. And if they start doing this, they won’t have a job for long..! So I call bull on that one love...

So we have these examples of just how she gets spoilt due to her beauty, and then there's the fact that she says women don't like her because of it.

Okay, no. Women don't like you because you admit you flirt to get ahead at work, you probably are flirty with other women's partners because yours really isn't all that and you are so sickeningly condescending in your arrogance that you just don't come across as a particularly nice person...!
I would say my best friend is utterly gorgeous, but she's a lovely person with it and would never crack on to someone else's boyfriend/husband cos she has self respect! See the difference?!

And just when I think she can't get any more ridiculous, or ridiculed for that matter, there's the follow up piece. Basically "Well the fact you're all saying I'm wrong proves my point, you're all jealous".... Oh what?! That has to be a joke right?
But no, she actually went on tv to defend this point of view, and got thoroughly rinsed by two women who to be fair blatantly didn't like her very much. In their defence I think most women felt the same by this point.

I started wondering at this point what on earth her husband was like, after all the photos we'd seen didn't exactly make him look like Mr Tall, Dark and Handsome that the most beautifulestest woman on the planet would be with, so I read some of her previous articles, and I think I've worked out what the problem is.

Lady you really are married to the most judgemental, obnoxious, mysogenistic prick on the planet! Who the hell tells their wife that if they gain weight they will divorce them?! And not being funny but the dodgy moustached tubby bloke being the one voicing this opinion made it all the more offensive to me! So your wife must work out every day (which is why you put the exercise bike in the front room!!) and maintain her weight so you find her suitably attractive, but you can decline razors of any kind and not worry about working on your own figure at all? Which, honestly, not pretty dude!

You know I was starting to actually develop some sympathy for the arrogant Mrs Brick, seeing as you'd have to be convinced you were gorgeous if your husband was that dictatorial of his standards and was still with you! But then she had to ruin it again with the long diatribe on how she was a daddy's girl and because he told her that she was the most beautiful girl she developed this confidence... Okay one, that an overinflated ego and not confidence, and two I know loads of "daddy's girls" and not one of them display the quite distasteful attitudes this woman possesses!

And to top it off the husband does an interview saying he'd physically attack someone who he witnessed flirting with his wife... Holy hell man you have nothing to worry about, if they were going to before they sure and shit won't now because of the way she's come across!
They seem perfectly suited, they're both delusional!

And now she's in discussions to go on Big Brother, how will we get any work done with that vision of grace and beauty available on our screens twenty four hours a day...? Can't we just send her into the Big Brother house and not turn the cameras on?! Then with some luck by the time she comes back out everyone will have forgotten who she is!

Please, get some therapy. Preferably without blowing thousands on psychics this time yeah?

Oh Get It Right B Movie!!!

I love shark movies, I know most of them suck to a massive magnitude but I still love them.

The other night, while the hubby was out the way, I pulled up Shark Night on Box Office and settled back for a pointless blood fest with some of my favourite creepy animals.

It was okay, not great, but I switched it on with pretty low expectations so it was all good. There were attractive women in skimpy bikinis, funky sharks and the necessary weird characters. All enjoyable enough, well for me anyway! :-)

But, and this is something I'm somewhat geeky about, get your damn facts straight.

What should've been a great scene of someone being lowered into the waters to be munched on by two tiger sharks was completely ruined for me by the fact I spent the entire scene wanting to scream "THAT'S NOT A TIGER SHARK!" at the tv. B movies are underrated because they're just such fun when you don't expect cinematically brilliant excellence but at least get your facts straight!
I was even willing to ignore the fact that the shark they were using doesn't attack humans but use the right name please people?!

Are You Looking' At Me?

Okay, so I'm now in the swing of doing my walking, and I'm actually really enjoying it. Granted that may have something to do with the glorious weather and pretty scenery but hey, bonus!! Proud to say I've not skipped one yet, not even the siren song of a cold glass of wine in the sun on a Friday evening tempted me away. So I'm doing seven and a half miles a day, five days a week. If this doesn't shift some weight I don't know what will!!

Today's walk however didn't have the greatest start.

People who know me will know I'm not the most confident of people when it comes to my size. I've been big, I've been small and (like now) I've been in between. Still I know I don't want to be the size I am so hence I've been getting my walk on. I left the office today as normal and walked up to the main road to start my first section down to Hyde Park to enjoy the sunshine and flowers while I walked.

Just at the edge of the square my company is based in there was a car parked up with three kids in it, oh crap I'm getting old when I'm thinking of nineteen year olds as kids... Oh well, at a guess that was about their age.

As I walked past one of the girls spotted me, pointed me out to the other girl and the lad and started laughing. Then, obviously being a lovely guy, he took a picture while he laughed. Nice right?

Now I'm not a skinny super model but I'm hardly a bloody waddling whale!!! So what the hell?! For starters I really don't get what they found so funny and secondly and more importantly when did it become the norm to see someone pushing themselves to improve their health and then take the piss?!

Have to admit as I walked on I did wish a defective thyroid on them just so they'd pile weight on but you know what? Sod em!

I think they've done me a favour in a weird way though. I've been putting off going back to the gym because I didn't have the confidence to deal with people watching me. But hey if I can be actually laughed at and have the reaction of "get stuffed" then I sure as shit should be able to manage a gym full of people who in reality aren't paying me the slightest bit of attention!

Cheers dickheads and may a plague of minuscule cockroaches take up residence in your genetalia..! ;-)

Tattooooooooos!!!

Okay, this is a topic I’ve wanted to address for quite a while, but I’ve not really known how to go there. Finally, I have a route, woohoo I hear you mentally shout...!

I’m now planning a tattoo, my third to be precise.

My first is across the small of my back and is based around my star sign (hold on before you shout tacky) and is a unique design that my brother drew for me. Not just the idea, I actually had the design traced straight off his artwork and that’s what now sits on my back. I love it because it’s his work, and it makes me think about him, and no one anywhere has the same design. So for me it’s absolutely perfect, plus because it’s on my back I don’t see it all the time so every time I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror it makes me smile!

Now I have issues when it comes to lower back tattoos, largely people’s perceptions of them. Tramp stamps, bulleye tattoos, California license plates, bitch tats, slut tags... The list of derogatory terms for these tattoos is ridiculously long, but the main one is tramp stamp. I massively object to this little term, and not just because I have a “tramp stamp” myself but largely because it is the most inherently wrong description. The idea of a tramp stamp is that women who have lower back tattoos are easy, or common, or generally slutty. If any of these descriptions were true why would the women in question put their tattoo in the place most of us have covered every single day...? I chose that location because I can cover it easily for work, really very simple! So let’s see if we can be a little sensible and wean this lack of logic out to the general populous wherever we are?

My second tattoo is also on my back, across the top sitting just below and in the middle of my shoulder blades. This one I designed myself, and it’s a Celtic tree of life with a quote from a Tim Minchin (loooove him) song placed round it. The whole point of this particular one was it was a statement that my life may not be perfect, may not suit everyone, but it is MY life and I love it. Funnily enough the upper back doesn’t elicit any slang terms, but ironically in my case is the one most often on display. It does get a lot of comments to be fair, and pretty much always complimentary.

So on to my third. I want a charm bracelet around my ankle for my mum, something fairly simple and small but I always choose designs that mean something to me or represent something. That said I would never get a tattoo for my hubby, as much as I love him, and in case you’re reading this dearest just imagine if I had an ex boyfriend’s name tattooed on me... Yeah, not so upset now are you? ;-P

So personally I love a bit of ink, to me mine are art and things of beauty, but this is one I’d really like other people’s opinions on. So what are your thoughts? Love them? Hate them? Indifferent? Let me know on the blog, Facebook or email me if you like! Look forward to some viewpoints!

Move Down...?!

Sooooo there's train trouble tonight, what a shocker... *eye roll* I wanted back to Waterloo so was intending on being on a train around half six anyway, so no biggie when I got back to find delays.

There was a train to my stop on the board but it would've made a sardine can look roomy, and as much as I do like to get home I'm really not so bothered that I'm going to spend a train journey forcibly face planted into the window... So I waited.

Then, luck struck me. Over the sound of my headphones I heard my half past train being called, and it just so happened I was accidentally stood right on the platform where it was! Bonus!!! Well colour me happy I bounced onto the train and got myself comfortably settled in a seat. A seat!!! I mean when it's like this standing room is a luxury so to get a seat was just amazing!

Okay, so the train is now a quarter of an hour late and still shows no sign of leaving but its a start. But all I can hear is "Move down please!!!". Um, where the hell to?!

Most of them have had a shout, realised it's packed and left it, but there's one woman who just doesn't know when to quit!

"Come on, move down!!"
"There's loads of room down there, squeeze up!!"
"We all want to get home you know!!!"

Yeah, we're aware you want to get home, so do the rest of us, but when there's no space then there's no bloody space!! Finally one woman pointed out her daughter was next to her and short so although it looked like space there wasn't any.

Little Miss Charming's response? "I don't give a shit to be honest, just move down!" and she starts banging on the window.

I'm not a psychologist but I'm fairly sure that's not the best way to garner helpful responses from people. Annoyingly she has forced her way into the train and WILL NOT shut up about how she was right about there being space. Would it count as assault if I slung a paper at her head?!

Move down luv, preferably to the next platform! If you got off there would be more space after all and that's what you wanted...!

One For The Boys

Right lads, I want an answer. It's a pretty simple question but one that's bugged me for ages.

When you sit down on the tube why do you have to sit like this...?

I mean seriously guys, you don't have THAT much between your legs so that's not it, and the existence of a bag on the floor seems to have no bearing either. No matter what the circumstances you all seem to sit down looking like you're walking like John Wayne, you've got a real "straddle" going there.

Okay so it may seem like I'm being nosey and it's really none of my business but here's the thing guys - you seem to manage with this method to take up about a seat and a half of leg room leaving us girls squeezed up either in the corner or between two of you!

See, it's really not hard to sit like this so can't you give it a try?

And just as I type this I have moved from one side of the tube carriage to the other to get away from a space invader, a guy has gone and sat next to him and he's reduced the straddle that's driven me out of the seat! Is this an unspoken revolt against women and your way of avoiding offering your seats to women ever is to make the next door seats as uncomfortable as possible for those of the female gender...?!

So basically pack it in! You don't have the world's largest nut sacks and the bags you put down as an excuse can actually fit on your lap, have a look around cos all the girls are managing it!

Bloody Space Invaders!

Optical Illusion? Or Just Plain Wrong..?

I like horses, I know a fair bit about horses, I'm still fairly sure that horses don't bend this way...!

Sunshine Sinners

Well it's a pretty nice day today, all things considered, and a good day to go back to doing my walking at the end of the working day. The downside to this is I won't be on the tube in the evenings, which tends to be where I see most of my daily Sinners, but the big plus side is you see some serious weirdos in Hyde Park!

Though to be fair my main reasons for starting walking again are the exercise and dodging a sweaty, packed underground service at the end of the day. Let's face it, when given the option of sitting in a hot and sweaty tin can on average around a foot from someone's sweaty crotch, or standing within a foot of someone sweaty armpit compared to walking in the sunshine through two of London's most beautiful parks it's really not a tough choice to make is it?!

So the idea is to go back to walking back around three times a week, I wonder how long before I catch one of the crazees on camera... And I wonder how long until someone posts a pic of me online walking back with the caption "Weirdo walks four and a half miles instead of just taking a twenty minute tube..."
I can laugh, bring it on fellow weirdo watchers!!

Sinners Email Goes Live

I love getting comments from people, so I've decided to make it possible for people to send me anything they like, private or public. So to that end my my sinners email is now up and running. For anything you ever want to say, add, share or to send me ideas for posts or photos just drop me a mail, always love to hear from people!

Email is   -   ConfinedSinners@gmail.com

So get mailing people, let's hear what you have to say!

Mini Sinners

Mini list of some sins and sinners that drive me round the twist, and their crimes!

• Go Compare Adverts - Crimes Against Hearing

Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!!! OMG these are toe curlingly cringing and the song is quite possibly the most annoying thing I have ever heard!!! Apparently the guy who sings in them has had people threaten to beat him up in the street - maybe they have the right idea! JUST STOP!

• Southwest Trains - Crimes Against Timekeeping

Seriously, if you can't run a service on time the second two snowflakes or a single leaf hits the track, QUIT! Sell up, ship out! Monopoly on travel so they have no reason to improve, so let's start setting the train fares based on consumer feedback. Bet they'd perk up their act bloody soon then!

• Sunday Drivers - Crimes Against Sanity

If you can't drive even remotely close to the speed limit, get the hell out of my way! I'm not asking you to all be speed freaks, a few would be nice but hey, but you either need to work out that the pedal on your right makes the car go faster or just stop driving.
And don't even get me started on those idiots who straddle two lanes as they merge into one - there's two lanes for a reason moron!!!

• Weekly Magazines With Models - Crimes Against Reality

Okay, I have never bought one of these and I never will. But I still morally object to a set up which involves taking about three years to collect all the parts, at about ten times the cost of just buying the model and passing themselves off as a money saving great idea. Start actually showing how long the series will run and how much it'll cost in the end and I'll reconsider your place in this list!

• People Who Can't Grasp The Ingredients In A Sprizter - Crimes Against Alcohol

Wine + soda water = spritzer
Wine + lemonade = wine and lemonade

Simple. Got it?! Good!

• Muffin Tops - Crimes Against My Eyes!

This is so simple, and happens all the time when it could so easily be avoided! We'd most of us like to be a little slimmer than we are, god knows I would, but this doesn't mean if you buy a pair of jeans one size too small you'll magically morph into that size. You will, however, ooze over the top of your jeans and traumatise everyone around you. Pack it in, preferably IN CLOTHES THAT FIT YOU!!!

More to follow, and let me know any of your "mini sinners"! x

Commuter Time Kiddies

It's a pretty established fact that I don't approve of children on commuter trains. Though to be fair they're just children acting like what they are, so I suppose my gripe is really with the parents. Well it certainly was yesterday morning!

I arrived early morning in good time, plenty of time to be on my early train and nice and early to the office. Suited me, I was working from home Thursday and Friday last week and some company sounded great!
Train delayed, no time given, just delayed. Dammit. Oh well these things happen, it turned up about fifteen minutes late but seeing as it wasn't a massive delay and I could still get a seat I was happy with the optimistic viewpoint on the world. Then a couple and their young son boarded and ended up standing so the kid was right behind my ear.
Deep joy thinks I, it's going to be a noisy trip...!

iPod on, music playing, I'm as child proofed as I was going to get in those circumstances.

Then it started. The loud, shrill voice, the constant complaining, the whinging about every little thing. If the train jolted slightly there was moaning. If the announcements were too loud there was moaning. And all in that irritating high pitched whining voice.

And that was the mother...

The little boy was dead silent the whole time, beautifully well behaved and very polite when disembarking by saying "excuse me" to all and sundry.

So I'm rethinking my logic. Kids on commuter trains can sometimes be a nightmare, but their mothers are infinitely worse!

Facebook Family

Okay people, this needs addressing. It's driving me crazy.

I get that it's really hard to not give in to the pressure you're under to add your family members as "friends" on Facebook, and the majority of the time that is just fine, but there needs to be one caveat. NO OLDER GENERATION FAMILY MEMBERS!!!! Seriously guys, why do you do it?! Granted I am eternally grateful that my mother's concept of the interwebz leaves her completely confused as to how email works, what on earth a "blog" is and my personal favourite of "why is that thing with all the pictures called Facebook" - but you too can avoid this dangerous pitfall with just a few simple clicks.

1. Ignore the friend request
2. Add family member to block list so as not to hurt their feelings
3. Smile and continue to post inane bollocks...

The amount of times that a perfectly good status moment has been ruined by a family member is astounding! And yes, the person I'm thinking of can probably work out who he is, but let's have a paraphrased example just to prove my point.

Friend X - I'm in the cellar of the devil
Friend X's aunt - Are you okay dear, do you need to talk? I'm worried about you.
Friend X - I'm drinking Castillo de Diablo Merlot, it translates to Cellar of the Devil....
Friend X's aunt - Oh thank goodness!

Now, most of your friends will know that you are writing a random status you find funny and that you think will make them think and/or laugh. Older family members do not have this bullshit filter people!!! Anything in the style of ironic will be taken as god given proof of your apparent spiral into the depths of depression, and will be tackled by hugely embarassing concerned status comments... And really, exactly what do they think they will achieve by commenting on your status?! If you are in the bowels of depressive behaviour I doubt a quick chirpy thought on your Facebook page will be the catalyst that wrenches you back from the edge and makes you realise the world is happy and sparkly once more... That's why we have alcohol! And lapdancing clubs...!

Also, family members have the inate ability to ruin the flow of a good comedy comment chain. One post about having tea and scones, several comments parodying the Britishness of it, and a final nail in the coffin from a family member praising the selection of scones over cigarettes... *facepalm*

Be close with your family, that's awesome, but for all our sakes, keep it off Facebook! OR create a second fake profile and keep them all in there, it's safer....!!!

Break Time

No, don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. Far from it. In fact I'm ridiculously gleeful about the recent amount of activity on my little Facebook page. It's sad but true that I grinned like a loony at the first non friend "fan" that was kind enough spend their time listening to me!
But I'm straying from my, obviously eloquent as always, point. My point is the blissful peace and harmony of this week, not date wise but school holiday wise! Well, the mornings anyway. The afternoons mean crazy packed trains full of people who seem to think the perfect time to travel with their screaming hoard of heathen brats is commuter time... Bless them. And for the record yes I avoid travelling with any children at that time of day during the week! ;-)
I do practice what I preach, or not practice what I judge others for.. Oh well whichever makes sense!

But the mornings, oh the glorious mornings!!! Parents are taking time off to be at home with their kids so there's so many less people on that lovely rail system known as Southwest Tossers and there's space to stretch out and relax... Okay, slight exaggeration. It's marginally less cramped. But hey you take the silver linings wherever you can find them when it comes to this game. Regretfully the jackass I see every morning who manages to offend someone pretty much every single day doesn't appear to have kids as he is AL-WAYS there... Having said that I'm somehow unsurprised at this seeing as he is an absolute arse!

The first time I met this delightful soul he spent half the train ride knocking into my head with his bag and the second half resting it on my shoulder, which was lovely... I, of course, politely asked him to move it, several times actually, after each of which he gestured at his headphones with a sarcastic smile and muttered he couldn't hear me. Sweet right? Still, I'm sure he was still feeling just as pleased with himself as I stood up swiftly as we got to Waterloo which pushed his bag straight up and him on his backside... And naturally I looked really apologetic and concerned for his wellbeing... as I stepped straight over him and continued on my way...

So anyway, quieter mornings, lovely! Short lived but hugely enjoyable. Soooo which one is next...? Oh yeah, roll on Easter!!!

Badly Planned Advertising Maybe...?

Sometimes I sit on the tube or walk through the train stations and I chuckle to myself at the slightly humourous ad campaign currently being run, and most of the time I also take a quick snap and post it to my Facebook page to share with you lot as well. After all, nothing brightens up a day little a little laughter right?

But occassionally the logic gone into an ad campaign, or sometimes even simply the placement of the ad, leads to a monumental fail, but it still gives me a laugh at the facepalm moment they inadvertantly create.

And this is what has led me down this little path, a picture I took the other day of an ad on the Bakerloo line. It definitely gets their point across, I'll give them that, but maybe not in quite such a positive fashion than they'd been hoping....?
Anyway, I'd hate to ruin your first impressions, so here you go...

Maybe it's just me, but I'm not the biggest fan of this slogan. I do have a decent reason so bear with me.

Picture the scene. You're rushing to make your overground train and missing it would lead to a long wait or maybe missing a connection further down the line. Hurrying you rush onto the tube and make it on to the next tube train leaving, and you even manage to get a seat. Okay, you're rushing and stressed but things are going okay all things considered. Then you realise that you actually quite need the toilet, however you're currently stuck in a tin can in a tunnel whizzing across London with no toilets until you make the overground station and find them, oh and then find the 30p that the rip off merchants are going to charge you.
Okay, no toilets, that's an issue but there is a silver lining. At least there is something for you to read to keep your mind off it, there's always adverts on the tube. What's that one there? Are you sitting comfortably... OH WHAT?!
Great, now it is all you can think about...

See what I mean? Maybe not the most cunning of ideas? Anyway, must dash, for some reason I really need the toilet all of a sudden..!

Darling, I Have THE Best Idea For A Romantic Valentines....

Okay, recap of last year's Valentines post - Valentines is a pointless "Hallmark holiday" and you shouldn't need to have a reminder to tell your beloved that you love them. There we go, in a nutshell.
Soooo, happy in my opinion of the day.

This year I thought I would try something different, and see what "great" romantic things I could find online. And oh there's some truly amazing things!

Starting with this - I want to propose... hmmm, how can I guarantee she'll never see this coming...? I KNOW! PIZZA HUT!

If it had even entered my husband's mind... Wow I'd have flipped! But hey, who could possibly object to any advert for marriage proposals that includes "Bling"?! And, even better, ,the "$10 Dinner Box" includes.... wait for it.... TWO DIPS!!!

Or how about this for the ultimate in romantic Valentines presents?

Can anything possibly make you feel more special...?!

Or if you didn't really want conventional, you could always go for creepy...?

I don't know what scares me more about this next one, what he's done or the idea that he has someone to do this for...

Romance FAIL!

I do understand the idea behind Valentines Day, I really do, but given some of the options out there maybe sometimes it's just safer to do nothing....?



The Desired Sound of Silence

What I have found since starting this blog is I go through phases where I struggle to post much, purely because I've not been given anything by the world worth writing about. But then sometimes, like this morning, an idea just lands in your lap. I happened across a delightful member of the commuter sect, really lovely guy...

I don't know about everyone else but this morning I was bloody freezing. So I was stood at my platform waiting for the train with my hands tightly jammed into my pockets wishing the train would turn up. (Note, remember GLOVES tomorrow!!!) When it did arrive thankfully there was my preferred seat free, it's right by the heater so mornings like this one it's kind of a lifesaver! In the aisle seat of the pair I'd sat in was sat this guy. Well I say sat but sprawled would be a better definition. I politely said excuse me as I sat down and was graced was a scowl of truly gentlemanly proportions. Lovely thinks I, but it's only half an hour to Waterloo and at least I'm warm! So I just ignored him.

Opposite me was a lady I know, we chat occasionally on the train but this morning I really didn't fancy talking to anyone. All I wanted was to keep my head down and get to work, so I just smiled at her and then slipped my headphones in, universal commuting symbol of "I'm not being rude, but I'd like to be left alone".

So the train is trundling along, slightly late but no big deal, when suddenly I feel someone jab my arm. Turning round, slightly taken aback I see the guy next to me scowling and gesturing furiously at the "no headphones/quiet carriage" sign. I think it must have been obvious I looked somewhat surprised and confused as he snapped something about me sitting in another carriage if I wanted my headphones on.

Okay, just to clarify here, I hate hearing the tinny sound of someone else's music or tv through their headphones so normally I would completely agree with his irritation. There was one factor this morning which led me to disagree, well two if I'm completely honest.

Firstly, and less pertinent, who the hell pokes at someone they don't know to get their attention?! I'm thirty and if my mother saw me doing that now she'd STILL verbally tear me a new one! Even if someone is really pissing me off I'll still retain my upbringing of good manners and politely say excuse me or pardon me to get their attention! I cannot stand someone being so unnecessarily rude so to be fair matey boy already had me wound up at him...

But my real point is somewhat more important to this situation, people's lack of manners are annoying but ultimately neither here not there. My point is more about his objection to the noise. After staring confusedly at him and his delightfully snarled objections I asked him very simply if he was joking, bad idea...

"No I'm not joking. This is a quiet carriage, so no headphones and your headphones are bothering me!"
"What, hold on, the sound from my headphones is bothering you?"
"Yes! I'm trying to sleep!"
"Okay, dude, if you can hear ANYTHING from my headphones I'll be seriously impressed with your hearing."
"Don't be sarcastic, just take them off! Of course I can hear them!"
"That's impressive, I'm not listening to anything...."

He just kind of stared at me. I just showed him the screen on my iPod, which was unsurprisingly dark as it was switched off. He continued to stare at me. Then he grumbled something beyond the realm of human hearing and shut his eyes and went back to sleep. Think that might have been largely because there was a large amount of giggling coming from people in the carriage.

I get it, quiet carriage means you want quiet, but maybe some people need to make less assumptions..? Funnily enough he didn't say anything else to me for the rest of the journey, although I did get a truly charming filthy look as he disembarked... I just smiled sweetly.

Whereabouts Do You Live Again...?

I've talked recently about kid's name, specifically the atrocities heaped upon the unfortunate children of the rich and famous. Having given it some thought maybe the life of luxury they're likely to lead due to the rich and famous part needs to be balanced out, and it's achieved by the awful name they spend their lifetime resenting? It's a thought if nothing else!

Anyway, that post got me thinking, about other things that have dumb names, and I've stumbled across the one that makes me laugh the most - names of towns and places. There seriously are some awesomely ridiculous examples, and they seemed worth sharing! So here we go!

Blackadder. Really? I would truly love to know which came first, the character or the location. This Blackadder is a hamlet on the Scottish Borders near Allanton, Duns and Whitsome. One thing I was really gutted about though is it's nowhere near Roxburgh, Selkirk, or Peebles seeing as the character was laird of those areas. Would've been perfect!

And ironically that leads me into my second one, Booze... Who calls a place Booze for crying out loud?!

But there it is, Booze and Booze Wood. The Blackadder connection if you're struggling to get it is the episode with Lord and Lady Whiteadder when he has to seem teetotal, and one of his drinking buddies comes running into the room shouting "Great booze up Blackadder". Always made me laugh.
In reality, no idea why anyone would go for this name for a place, maybe they were drunk at the time?

Next one up, Bottom Flash. Maybe named after the local perv? The modern day equivalent of the village idiot? Ah these modern times!!

Another local perv then! You would've thought that "Cockup" was a bad enough name on it's own, did someone really have to add "Great" to it?! Massive stupidity or just a really puerile sense of humour?

I think we've found the cradle of life for the poultry of the country. But now seeing as that's showing water on the map is that name actually just a really awful description...? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew....!

Moving swiftly on... And yet still no better. And try this one for weird. There's a webpage regarding the Lickey End Parish Council, which apparently was formed purely with the intention to return Lickey End to an unparished status... Well call me crazy here, but if it'd never been formed in the first place then they'd still be unparished...? Maybe I'm missing a trick here, but then when a community go for a name place like that then I'm thinking moments of planning genius are few and far between...

I really really don't know what to even say about this one... And for the record just to the southwest there is also Upper Dicker... Good grief!

Pratt's Botom... I truly wish this one was a joke. Especially as it's next to "The Bull's Head". I mean come on people, a little future thought might be nice!

I wonder if the residents of Sandy Balls have a great golf course...? I hope so, that'd be whole new levels of awesomeness!!!

.... *opens mouth* ..... *closes mouth* ...... *looks confused*..... *opens mouth*....... *closes mouth*
Yeeeeeeah, okay then.... Um.... Well.... Okay no, I can't do it! I cannot for the life of me keep a straight face over that one!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, moving on again!

The last one, and ironically the first one I saw that put this blog idea in my head.

I just really wish I could've found somewhere called Shitz to go with it!

So keep your eyes peeled people, there's some fantastic places to see!