Congratulations London Commuter - All Time Low

I do see some pretty shitty things on my commute, largely on the Underground, but most of them just roll over me as one of those things. But yesterday, yeah this one is going to stay with me for a while!

So there I was, on my way home, and best part of a million miles away with my head in a book. The day had been uneventful and nothing had really jumped out. Until I set foot on my tube when homeward bound. Several passengers behind me in the "boarding line" was a pregnant woman, who I didn't notice until she had got on board and was already seated. Once I did notice her, as there were no seats available, I decided to offer her my seat as I would normally do. Before I could get up and get her attention however I noticed her lean towards the guy sat in one of the "priority seats" and ask if he could please move so she could sit down.

He said no.

Yes really, he fucking said no! I mean what the fucking hell is wrong with this bloke?! It's really very simple, if there is someone who needs that seat, especially a priority seat, more than you do, YOU SHIFT YOUR ARSE! To me this isn't a complicated logical step, it's normal, it's the decent thing to do, it's a simple courtesy to our fellow human beings to consider their situation and prioritise it above your own.

The lady next to El Douchebag DID get up and the pregnant lady thanked her very graciously and sat down. But here's the thing, this meant that for the rest of her tube journey she had to sit next to this craptastic piece of work! And he did everything to avoid eye contact, looking completely unperterbed by the way he had acted.

I so desperately wanted to say something, but she looked so drained by it all that I didn't have the heart to cause her more hassle. Seriously though people have some consideration, I know us commuters are assholes at times but there are some thing you just don't do!!!! And El Douchebag, if you're reading this, I hope for your sake that you don't pull this shite on another train I'm on, cos I don't think I could swallow the compunction to deck you twice...!

Things You Just Don't Miss

Have you ever noticed that things that don't phase you when you're doing a job still reach the list of "Things I Don't Miss" once you leave it? I've given up the second job now so no more bar work. I do miss it although there are certain instances I really don't miss dealing with. And here's some of the particular events that make this list!

I don't miss dealing with people when they are officially "fall down" drunk. We had a lady come in once, about forties or so and from Thailand I believe. She was sculling Fosters like it was going out of fashion and was getting a bit (massively) trashed, so we decided to stop serving her.
She then vanished into the ladies toilet and was gone for a good fifteen minutes. Finally we went for the age old technique of rock, paper, scissors and I lost so I had to go looking. No amount of banging on the door or shouting was getting a response which really only left me with one course of action - get out a coin to jimmy the lock and go in anyway. Now this sounds bad, but bear in mind for all I know she's had a heart attack so I got the coin out and unlocked the door, which proceeded to still not budge.
After a fair bit of hefty pushing, and a large amount of swearing, I finally worked out I couldn't get it open properly because she had actually passed out across the door... with her pants still down... mid ablution... Oh wonderful!
I eventually got the door open enough to get inside and by getting my arms under hers I just about got her on her feet and got her pants up, whilst straddling my legs wide, in case she hadn't finished peeing.
We got rid of her in the end, and she got safely home, but I do not miss forcing a toilet door to be confronted by a naked forty year old woman's arse lying in her own urine.

I don't miss idiots at the end of last orders convinced they get special treatment and that the staff getting louder and louder about everyone leaving aren't actually referring to them.
One guy in particular, who I doubt will ever read this, was awful for it. His girlfriend worked behind the bar so he figured that translated to "you can stay here drinking all night long if you like"... Um, no dude.
Normally the conversation went like this -

Me - Time to drink up ladies and gents.
Idiot Boy - I haven't finished.
Me - Well finish up or it's going down the drain.
Him - What's your problem? I'm waiting for my girlfriend!
Me - Not a problem but I still need the beer gone, we want to close up and go home.
Him - Why are you in such a rush?
Me - I've been up since half six, commuted three hours and just finished my second job. It's gone half one in the morning and I want to go home.
Him - Stop complaining, I've been here all night too!!

*sigh* Explaining to a drunk moron that spending all night drinking doesn't compare with spending all night serving people drinks is a waste of time so I stopped bothering after a while. The night usually ended with me binning his drink and him throwing a temper tantrum.
Dating one of the bar staff doesn't mean you can act like an asshole, it just means your significant other gives you a bollocking about it if you do when you get home!
I do not miss self important twats.

I don't miss people assuming I'm unintelligent because I do bar work. Yes I'm blonde, yes I work (at the time) behind a bar, no I'm not an idiot. People often come to the wrong conclusion about us, the only thing that makes us idiots is putting up with the crap we sometimes get!
The following is my favourite ever example.

Couple arguing about the currency of Turkey at the end of the bar, this had been going on for some time.
Me - Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt but it's Turkish Lira.
Him - What?
Me - She's right, it's Turkish Lira, not Euros.
Him - Well what the hell would you know?!
Me - I beg your pardon?
Him - You're a blonde barmaid who's obviously never been out of this town in her life and you're lecturing ME on currency?
Me - Yes of course sir, you're right. The fact that I'm a (part) qualified accountant who does a second job behind a bar is neither here not there. Neither is the fact that I've lived in three countries in my life so far, one of them being Turkey... So how could I possibly know anything about it? I'll leave you to your conversation but I would suggest in parting that you don't invest in the foreign exchange market, seeing as it would appear your understanding of currency is somewhat lacking..."
Him - ....
Her - *giggle*

It's not as easy a job as everyone thinks, give us some credit.
I do not miss obnoxious people who, often incorrectly, assume their greater intelligence due to the location we're stood in a drinking establishment.

I miss a lot about it, but there are certainly things I just do not miss. But on the plus side those things give me posts like these! ;)

Step Up London!

I do enjoy writing this little blog, I find it has several benefits. Firstly I get to make people laugh, well hopefully anyway, and secondly it gives me somewhere to let off steam in an entertaining fashion about the masses of idiots that populate the capital.

There is however one big drawback, and that is I am entirely reliant on these idiots in order to supply me with ammunition for my observations. I do, in fact, spend a large portion of my commuting time watching the people around me and hoping someone says or does something stupid, and preferably funny.

In the last couple of weeks the strange portion of the population is severely lacking, maybe I should log a missing persons report? Although I'm fairly sure the Metropolitan Police Service are likely at that point to tell me to bugger off and stop wasting their time...

So my lack of postings lately is down to this, the will is there but the morons aren't! So if any of you know where they've gone could you direct them onto my route? It'd be much appreciated and I promise to reward you with chuckles!

Twatter

Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat. I do not like Twitter. It’s Facebook without photos. It’s egotism gone viral. It’s blogging for lazy people. If anyone can actually explain to me why this virus has become so popular I will be amazed!

“Oh but you can follow your favourite celebrities...!”
Soooooo, stalking made legal?

“You can get Sickipedia’s joke of the day!”
They have a website, with loads of them, variety is the spice of life my friend.

“Your friends can follow your ‘tweets’!”
Again, Facebook without the photos...

“I know people who’ve met their partner on there!”
Yes, and that’s also happened on internet dating... Or in real life... It doesn’t make it special!!!

I can’t find a redeeming feature to this insane obsession. Do people actually think that the Z list celebs they are following give a single tiny rat’s ass about them?! OMG thinks Cheryl “I Can’t Sing” Cole, Dave Bloggs from Dunstable is following MY Twitter?! I’ve made the big time baby!!!

Nope, sorry. Hate it.

But I have now found one thing I hate even more than Twitter, largely because it doesn’t make sense. Now listen carefully boys and girls, this is very important information I’m sharing here.

HASHTAGS. DON’T. FUCKING. WORK. ON. FACEBOOK. USING THEM DOESN’T MAKE YOU LOOK COOL, IT MAKES YOUR STATUS LOOK DEFORMED!!!! STOP IT!!!!!!

That is the end of this public service announcement. Thank you.

Posh, You're Doing It Not Quite Right...

In the run up to the Jubilee there seems to be things on at Buckingham Palace daily, and as my route home takes me past there each day I've seen a multitude of suited and booted pouring out of the palace gates each night.

Some people seem to be finding it massively irritating, muttering and growling as they make their way through the throng. I can half see their point, Esther Rantzen almost walked smack into me last week, yes it's busy and it's slowing everyone down. But I can't be bothered getting all wound up over it, to be honest I love getting all dressed up so I'm enjoying seeing all the frills and frippery! And there's something amusing about walking down a car free Mall, plus the flags do look quite pretty!

One couple tonight though really made me smile, well actually they made me laugh so hard that the police officers on duty were giving me some distinctly strange looks!

This couple were walking in front of me, I'd guess them at around early sixties. She was looking rather pretty in a floral dress and a nice hat and he'd gone for the full top and tails which I always think looks nice. They crossed off the Mall towards the cars all parked up down the side of the road, and there were some really nice cars there! Unfortunately they obviously didn't own one as they proceeded to clamber in to a battered old camper van and drive off...

Okay, what the hell?! You're at a palace function, you're all nicely turned out and you decided to drive up in that?! Please, come on, you could've at least got a cab from the station because sorry but it looked so out of place and amusing that I near as damn it hit the ground in fits of laughter!

I truly do love this city, and it's oftentimes eccentric people!

War Paint

After my post yesterday I had it pointed out that you also get "those looks" if you're female and headed for work not wearing make up. This feeling I know all too well so I thought I'd quickly address it.

I don't put makeup on before I get to work, ever. The amount of looks I get in the morning for daring to leave my home without war paint is high, and highly amusing.

Now I could explain using the better sounding logic, which is that I am lucky enough to have very good skin and I don't really need much makeup. I don't use foundation, blusher or any other "base" style makeup. But that doesn't explain why I wear none. That explanation is really simple. Every morning, at some point, without fail before reaching my office because I'm tired I will rub my eyes. So if I'm wearing mascara at this point I arrive at work looking somewhat like a blonde panda... Not the sexiest of looks, I'm sure you'll agree, so I take the required steps to simply avoid it!

The other thing is I'm not one who believes that a woman needs to be wearing makeup in order to do her job. I work in an office, I rarely have external meetings and quite simply I don't need to be a painted lady!

I know a lot of women don't like being seen without their makeup, sadly though a large proportion of these women also don't seem to believe you've got makeup on until it's been layered on by trowel and is six inches thick.
Guys, please, do you really find this attractive? Cos personally I don't get it.

Each to their own, if you want to wear it all the time go right ahead, not my business. But it's also not yours that some of us are comfortable enough without it. So please stow the catty looks, you're creasing your foundation...

Really Daaahling, What Are You Wearing?!

I've been off my walking for over a week, unfortunately I got bitch slapped by the flu and didn't think it was a great idea to keep walking when I was coughing every ten seconds...!

But today I'm back baybeey! The cough has almost completely gone and I'm pushing myself back to my exercise. Plus my company step challenge started today so I need me some high numbers! ;)

So this morning I bounced (aka crawled) out of bed with good intentions. I sang (grumbled) my way through my shower and dressing and strapped on my trainers with a bright smile (resentful scowl) and got my arse out of the door.

Twenty minutes or so later I was at the train station, and naturally at this point every morning I have a cigarette. Because is there truly any better way of rounding off exercise than putting toxic smoke into your lungs...?! Anyway, that's irrelevant, my point was the looks I get most mornings.

Snotty women staring at my trainers in disgust and smiling when they look down to see their heels arching proudly on their feet. Arrogant men staring at my track pants, t-shirt and rucksack whilst subconsciously smoothing their (not as expensive as they'd like us to think) business suits. School kids giving me the "Do you think THAT looks cool?!" glances fiddling with their hair to readjust that tiny strand that's out of place on their carefully gelled heads.

This is very simple people.

Yes lady, I'm wearing trainers, how shocking!!! I mean you'd almost think I do a lot of walking and that heels wouldn't be a sensible choice... Oh wait, I DO do that! And you're not looking quite so smug at the end of the day when I'm comfortably walking home and you're limping your sorry ass down the road! I keep my office heels where they're useful, in the office!!

As for you Mr Business Boy, chances are I have a better job than most of you, BUT I'm getting my exercise done and wearing a skirt and blouse wouldn't exactly suit that would it?! I have a change of clothes in my rucksack for what it matters but I don't need tailors to make me feel important, I know I'm good at my job no matter what I'm wearing!

Aaaaand the kids, the little brats hanging around in your uniforms. NO I DON'T THINK THIS LOOKS "COOL"! I think it's the right clothing for what I'm doing!!!
And you? Do not look "cool" either. You don't need the entire fat contents of a humpback whale to style your hair, smoking under age doesn't make you seem hard, and learn to chew gum with your fucking mouth shut!!

So you lot, stop and think about possible logic before you give someone a dumbass look for what they're wearing, or you might just end up being the one looking stupid...! While I will stroll on by, in my trainers. Just to rub it in... ;)