Step Up London!

I do enjoy writing this little blog, I find it has several benefits. Firstly I get to make people laugh, well hopefully anyway, and secondly it gives me somewhere to let off steam in an entertaining fashion about the masses of idiots that populate the capital.

There is however one big drawback, and that is I am entirely reliant on these idiots in order to supply me with ammunition for my observations. I do, in fact, spend a large portion of my commuting time watching the people around me and hoping someone says or does something stupid, and preferably funny.

In the last couple of weeks the strange portion of the population is severely lacking, maybe I should log a missing persons report? Although I'm fairly sure the Metropolitan Police Service are likely at that point to tell me to bugger off and stop wasting their time...

So my lack of postings lately is down to this, the will is there but the morons aren't! So if any of you know where they've gone could you direct them onto my route? It'd be much appreciated and I promise to reward you with chuckles!

Twatter

Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat. I do not like Twitter. It’s Facebook without photos. It’s egotism gone viral. It’s blogging for lazy people. If anyone can actually explain to me why this virus has become so popular I will be amazed!

“Oh but you can follow your favourite celebrities...!”
Soooooo, stalking made legal?

“You can get Sickipedia’s joke of the day!”
They have a website, with loads of them, variety is the spice of life my friend.

“Your friends can follow your ‘tweets’!”
Again, Facebook without the photos...

“I know people who’ve met their partner on there!”
Yes, and that’s also happened on internet dating... Or in real life... It doesn’t make it special!!!

I can’t find a redeeming feature to this insane obsession. Do people actually think that the Z list celebs they are following give a single tiny rat’s ass about them?! OMG thinks Cheryl “I Can’t Sing” Cole, Dave Bloggs from Dunstable is following MY Twitter?! I’ve made the big time baby!!!

Nope, sorry. Hate it.

But I have now found one thing I hate even more than Twitter, largely because it doesn’t make sense. Now listen carefully boys and girls, this is very important information I’m sharing here.

HASHTAGS. DON’T. FUCKING. WORK. ON. FACEBOOK. USING THEM DOESN’T MAKE YOU LOOK COOL, IT MAKES YOUR STATUS LOOK DEFORMED!!!! STOP IT!!!!!!

That is the end of this public service announcement. Thank you.

Posh, You're Doing It Not Quite Right...

In the run up to the Jubilee there seems to be things on at Buckingham Palace daily, and as my route home takes me past there each day I've seen a multitude of suited and booted pouring out of the palace gates each night.

Some people seem to be finding it massively irritating, muttering and growling as they make their way through the throng. I can half see their point, Esther Rantzen almost walked smack into me last week, yes it's busy and it's slowing everyone down. But I can't be bothered getting all wound up over it, to be honest I love getting all dressed up so I'm enjoying seeing all the frills and frippery! And there's something amusing about walking down a car free Mall, plus the flags do look quite pretty!

One couple tonight though really made me smile, well actually they made me laugh so hard that the police officers on duty were giving me some distinctly strange looks!

This couple were walking in front of me, I'd guess them at around early sixties. She was looking rather pretty in a floral dress and a nice hat and he'd gone for the full top and tails which I always think looks nice. They crossed off the Mall towards the cars all parked up down the side of the road, and there were some really nice cars there! Unfortunately they obviously didn't own one as they proceeded to clamber in to a battered old camper van and drive off...

Okay, what the hell?! You're at a palace function, you're all nicely turned out and you decided to drive up in that?! Please, come on, you could've at least got a cab from the station because sorry but it looked so out of place and amusing that I near as damn it hit the ground in fits of laughter!

I truly do love this city, and it's oftentimes eccentric people!

War Paint

After my post yesterday I had it pointed out that you also get "those looks" if you're female and headed for work not wearing make up. This feeling I know all too well so I thought I'd quickly address it.

I don't put makeup on before I get to work, ever. The amount of looks I get in the morning for daring to leave my home without war paint is high, and highly amusing.

Now I could explain using the better sounding logic, which is that I am lucky enough to have very good skin and I don't really need much makeup. I don't use foundation, blusher or any other "base" style makeup. But that doesn't explain why I wear none. That explanation is really simple. Every morning, at some point, without fail before reaching my office because I'm tired I will rub my eyes. So if I'm wearing mascara at this point I arrive at work looking somewhat like a blonde panda... Not the sexiest of looks, I'm sure you'll agree, so I take the required steps to simply avoid it!

The other thing is I'm not one who believes that a woman needs to be wearing makeup in order to do her job. I work in an office, I rarely have external meetings and quite simply I don't need to be a painted lady!

I know a lot of women don't like being seen without their makeup, sadly though a large proportion of these women also don't seem to believe you've got makeup on until it's been layered on by trowel and is six inches thick.
Guys, please, do you really find this attractive? Cos personally I don't get it.

Each to their own, if you want to wear it all the time go right ahead, not my business. But it's also not yours that some of us are comfortable enough without it. So please stow the catty looks, you're creasing your foundation...

Really Daaahling, What Are You Wearing?!

I've been off my walking for over a week, unfortunately I got bitch slapped by the flu and didn't think it was a great idea to keep walking when I was coughing every ten seconds...!

But today I'm back baybeey! The cough has almost completely gone and I'm pushing myself back to my exercise. Plus my company step challenge started today so I need me some high numbers! ;)

So this morning I bounced (aka crawled) out of bed with good intentions. I sang (grumbled) my way through my shower and dressing and strapped on my trainers with a bright smile (resentful scowl) and got my arse out of the door.

Twenty minutes or so later I was at the train station, and naturally at this point every morning I have a cigarette. Because is there truly any better way of rounding off exercise than putting toxic smoke into your lungs...?! Anyway, that's irrelevant, my point was the looks I get most mornings.

Snotty women staring at my trainers in disgust and smiling when they look down to see their heels arching proudly on their feet. Arrogant men staring at my track pants, t-shirt and rucksack whilst subconsciously smoothing their (not as expensive as they'd like us to think) business suits. School kids giving me the "Do you think THAT looks cool?!" glances fiddling with their hair to readjust that tiny strand that's out of place on their carefully gelled heads.

This is very simple people.

Yes lady, I'm wearing trainers, how shocking!!! I mean you'd almost think I do a lot of walking and that heels wouldn't be a sensible choice... Oh wait, I DO do that! And you're not looking quite so smug at the end of the day when I'm comfortably walking home and you're limping your sorry ass down the road! I keep my office heels where they're useful, in the office!!

As for you Mr Business Boy, chances are I have a better job than most of you, BUT I'm getting my exercise done and wearing a skirt and blouse wouldn't exactly suit that would it?! I have a change of clothes in my rucksack for what it matters but I don't need tailors to make me feel important, I know I'm good at my job no matter what I'm wearing!

Aaaaand the kids, the little brats hanging around in your uniforms. NO I DON'T THINK THIS LOOKS "COOL"! I think it's the right clothing for what I'm doing!!!
And you? Do not look "cool" either. You don't need the entire fat contents of a humpback whale to style your hair, smoking under age doesn't make you seem hard, and learn to chew gum with your fucking mouth shut!!

So you lot, stop and think about possible logic before you give someone a dumbass look for what they're wearing, or you might just end up being the one looking stupid...! While I will stroll on by, in my trainers. Just to rub it in... ;)

Iz It Cos I Iz Too Bootiful?!

I had to write about this, just had to, I mean come on people comedy gold doesn’t just come begging every day of the week!

Summary for those who have missed this recent amusement – Samantha Brick is a forty odd year old woman who is stating she is so beautiful that men basically are willing to do anything for her and these are strangers, and on the flip side women are jealous of her, don’t trust her around their husbands and she’s been penalised in the workplace for being too attractive.

Right luv, what planet are you on?! And lady, seriously, if you’re going to spout your undying belief of your physical attractiveness this loudly, maybe consider changing your surname? Brick?! Really...?

Anyway, let’s start with her claims of favours she has received: -

·         Stranger parking her car for her –

Well to get the obvious out of the way who the hell would hand over the keys to their car to some bloke they don’t know?! I’m betting this is going to happen more frequently now Samantha dear because they know you’ll pass the keys across and it makes their carjacking job a hell of a lot easier! It also has the plus side of watching your gormless confused look as they “park” your car several hundred miles away and don’t return the keys.

Here’s another wild and wacky possibility to explain this, maybe our dear Mrs Brick can’t park her car to save her life. So maybe this kind gentleman leapt to her assistance because he’d been sat behind her for the last hour while she tried unsuccessfully to park her car in a space that would fit an articulated lorry...?! Yes I know there are great women drivers, I’d say I’m pretty handy at it myself (don’t hate me cos you’re jealous), but there are also some atrocious ones and it is highly possible that she may well be one of these...

·         Stranger paying for her coffee –

Have you ever rushed into a coffee shop with very little time to spare and been brought up short by the epic size of the queue suddenly looming in your vision? Yep, me too. It’s happened to us all, and could quite possibly have something to do with this particular moment of “beauty induced chivalry”. By buying her coffee he could have easily got his own at the same time and saved himself some precious moments for the sake of a couple of pounds... Win/win?

·         Barmen refusing to let her pay the bar bill –

Okay this one genuinely irritated me. Bar staff, generally speaking, do not have the authority to hand out free drinks to whomsoever they desire. And if they start doing this, they won’t have a job for long..! So I call bull on that one love...

So we have these examples of just how she gets spoilt due to her beauty, and then there's the fact that she says women don't like her because of it.

Okay, no. Women don't like you because you admit you flirt to get ahead at work, you probably are flirty with other women's partners because yours really isn't all that and you are so sickeningly condescending in your arrogance that you just don't come across as a particularly nice person...!
I would say my best friend is utterly gorgeous, but she's a lovely person with it and would never crack on to someone else's boyfriend/husband cos she has self respect! See the difference?!

And just when I think she can't get any more ridiculous, or ridiculed for that matter, there's the follow up piece. Basically "Well the fact you're all saying I'm wrong proves my point, you're all jealous".... Oh what?! That has to be a joke right?
But no, she actually went on tv to defend this point of view, and got thoroughly rinsed by two women who to be fair blatantly didn't like her very much. In their defence I think most women felt the same by this point.

I started wondering at this point what on earth her husband was like, after all the photos we'd seen didn't exactly make him look like Mr Tall, Dark and Handsome that the most beautifulestest woman on the planet would be with, so I read some of her previous articles, and I think I've worked out what the problem is.

Lady you really are married to the most judgemental, obnoxious, mysogenistic prick on the planet! Who the hell tells their wife that if they gain weight they will divorce them?! And not being funny but the dodgy moustached tubby bloke being the one voicing this opinion made it all the more offensive to me! So your wife must work out every day (which is why you put the exercise bike in the front room!!) and maintain her weight so you find her suitably attractive, but you can decline razors of any kind and not worry about working on your own figure at all? Which, honestly, not pretty dude!

You know I was starting to actually develop some sympathy for the arrogant Mrs Brick, seeing as you'd have to be convinced you were gorgeous if your husband was that dictatorial of his standards and was still with you! But then she had to ruin it again with the long diatribe on how she was a daddy's girl and because he told her that she was the most beautiful girl she developed this confidence... Okay one, that an overinflated ego and not confidence, and two I know loads of "daddy's girls" and not one of them display the quite distasteful attitudes this woman possesses!

And to top it off the husband does an interview saying he'd physically attack someone who he witnessed flirting with his wife... Holy hell man you have nothing to worry about, if they were going to before they sure and shit won't now because of the way she's come across!
They seem perfectly suited, they're both delusional!

And now she's in discussions to go on Big Brother, how will we get any work done with that vision of grace and beauty available on our screens twenty four hours a day...? Can't we just send her into the Big Brother house and not turn the cameras on?! Then with some luck by the time she comes back out everyone will have forgotten who she is!

Please, get some therapy. Preferably without blowing thousands on psychics this time yeah?

Oh Get It Right B Movie!!!

I love shark movies, I know most of them suck to a massive magnitude but I still love them.

The other night, while the hubby was out the way, I pulled up Shark Night on Box Office and settled back for a pointless blood fest with some of my favourite creepy animals.

It was okay, not great, but I switched it on with pretty low expectations so it was all good. There were attractive women in skimpy bikinis, funky sharks and the necessary weird characters. All enjoyable enough, well for me anyway! :-)

But, and this is something I'm somewhat geeky about, get your damn facts straight.

What should've been a great scene of someone being lowered into the waters to be munched on by two tiger sharks was completely ruined for me by the fact I spent the entire scene wanting to scream "THAT'S NOT A TIGER SHARK!" at the tv. B movies are underrated because they're just such fun when you don't expect cinematically brilliant excellence but at least get your facts straight!
I was even willing to ignore the fact that the shark they were using doesn't attack humans but use the right name please people?!