Single To Life In Five Easy Steps

There are, to be fair, five major stages of a relationship.

Stage 1 - Meeting The Friends

The first big test of a new relationship. We decide to jump in the deep end and throw our prospective long term partners into the shark infested section, and then chum the waters for good measure. Our new partners are prodded, poked and quizzed by our closest friends. It is, if we're honest, a total farce. It's not so much winning the approval of the friends that is aimed for, it's more the fervent hope that after a night with your mates this new addition to your life doesn't become your new minus one as they run screaming for cover.

If they can face your friends and STILL want to date you, it's a good sign!

Stage 2 - Swapping Door Keys

The first really big acknowledgement that this is a truly serious relationship, and a total minefield. Too early, you're a bunny boiling stalker, too late and you're "just not as invested in this relationship" as your partner would like.

It's basically about giving up your autonomy. It's accepting that this person can now walk into your home without the forewarning that has previously given you a chance to hide the dirty dishes in a cupboard and the dirty clothes under the bed. On the plus side, as I've found out, it means they can go back to yours to pick things up for you when you've done something a bit badly planned...

Stage 3 - Moving In Together

Agreeing to co-habit... A big step and not to be taken lightly. Do you move in to theirs, do they move in to yours or do you find a new place together? The risk of moving into one of the existing places is the constant feeling like it's just not "ours" this can create. Most of the time this feeling can manifest most strongly when it comes to spending money on said property...

Then there's the things like the merging of your DVD collections, most often accompanied by the stomach dropping realisation that your significant other has truly awful taste in movies! My husband and I feel this way constantly I think but we counter this problem most of the time by simply accepting that I'm right...

Stage 4 - Engagement/Marriage

You've now come to the conclusion that this is the person  you want to spend the rest of your life with, a truly happy realisation, but full of possible pitfalls.

The engagement ring. Chosen by the proposer or chosen together? If chosen solo then how to find the right one, and what if they don't like it after being presented with it?

How do you tell your families and friends? How do you choose out of all of your friends a best man and maid of honour? Once you've sorted out all the other people involved there's still a million things to arrange.

Do you want a church wedding, or a registry office. What colour scheme? What venue? How many guests? The list is pretty much endless and each item on it has the awesome ability of at least causing minor rows to the worst case scenario of a screaming match which results in the cancellation of everything you worked out so far as you couldn't possibly marry someone who "just doesn't know me at all!!!"

If you make it to the wedding day, none of it matters to be honest. Just try and turn up on time, sober and get the name right, what else could be that big a deal?!

Stage 5 - Children

From pretty much the second you get married your entire family, yes on both sides, will become utterly obsessed with babies and everything baby related! If you think you're going to be given the opportunity of enjoying the "honeymoon period" of being newly married then think again. Within a month, at most, you will naturally hear someone come up with "So when are you two going to start thinking about children?" or someone in the family will give birth and you'll hear "Oooh, could be your turn next..."

I'm sure at some point people will realise that marriage does not equal instant babies, but I doubt it's going to happen in my lifetime! After all once you're married you become a familial breeding program, right?!

And of course the decision to have children will change your whole life forever, it will mean having someone in your life who will cry, puke and poop for the first few years, then refuse to do anything you tell them, then hate you for "restricting their individuality (read grounded) and of course bankrupt you until your retirement.

Yeah, I can see the attraction...!